A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it immature to leave a long term boyfriend for minor reasons? My bf has never spent any of his birthdays with me for the almost six years we've been together. It too four years for me to meet his mum and I've never been invited to family functions, dinner etc. I bought gifts when his niece was born but he has never introduced me and never let me know when she came over. I told him this bothered me but nothing happened. Recently, I got promoted and started working a lot, I barely saw him. It shocked me though how little I thought of him. We talked and I told him we were distant. He changed the topic (he does this). So i felt hurt and I gave up and just stopped contact. I went on two dates with a really nice young man and enjoyed myself a lot. We talk a lot and one day, he told me "wow, I just know my mom would love you!" I almost cried aunts and uncles. After five years of never feeling accepted or good enough, it meant a lot what my date said. I know it's early, but I have high hopes. My friend told me though that I should "officially" break-up with the first guy. It's his birthday today, he went off to lord knows where and never bothered to tell me of course. We've had good times, there have been positives. But I don't feel I owe him an "official" break up. He barely gave me a chance to be someone serious in his life. I'm not a bad person, I loved him. But maybe my race was too much? I don't know. My date is a white man and he has no problem holding my hand, kissing me in public and he keeps me in touch with his life. We're planning on studying together and eventually, traveling. My friend says I left my bf for minor reasons. Did I?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2015):
 I agree with Ciar, in light of the update - it's over and you don't need to tell him.
The return of the camera was the "end".
However, I would in the future make my intentions WAY more clear.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): He blanked you when you were with him and he blanked you when you said it was over but he had the grace to not contact you since then. He knows its over but he is a skilful manipulator, so skilful infact that he manages to get others to do his dirty work fir him by telling them its not Officially Over.So asusual he is putting pressure on you to make youlook weak and unsure of your status.Perhaps he knows where the Central Book of Done Relationships is heldbecause you could take a trip there and sign the Book.No, seriously he is being stubborn, obstructive and sympathy seeking.He wants others to give you their disapproval.But you can escape this web just by dancing the night away and confessing all to any who want to hear.But dont forget to mention that you weren't officially dancing!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2015):
I agree with Ciar, in light of the update - it's over and you don't need to tell him.
The return of the camera was the "end".
However, I would in the future make my intentions WAY more clear.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 July 2015):
 I don't think you're reasons are minor either. There are times I agree that the offending party doesn't deserve the courtesy of an official break up, that the point can be driven home more decisively by silence.
I was going to suggest that your boyfriend, or rather ex, hasn't behaved grievously enough to deserve being casually dismissed and that you don't want to appear to be cheating, but in light of your follow up, I'd say it was already over so no official announcement, to him or anyone, is necessary. Just quietly delete him and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): If you are a black female and your first boyfriend was a white guy then i think that he was trying to excuse his bad behaviour by using race as an excuse. I had a dream recently where a black hand was tied to a tree and the hand was severed. I thought about it a lot and i decide that someones hand was going to be given in marriage, but the tree setting would imply it wouldnt be a happy marriage, that the owner of the hand would feel trapped and need to escape .I guess if you know your history you will understand how i infered this, so please, if you felt trapped in a loveless or deceptive or unequal relationship, you must accept that you dont have to apolgise , formalise, explain, exonerate, berate or any other kind of irate. All you needed to do was to get free and you did it.Believe me, this is your right that can never be taken from you.Would you like me to come and speak my mind to this casual, cavaler, guy who thinks he rules the roost?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2015): i dont think its necessary to break up with someone who is so covert that you dont even know where he goes on his birthday because you are barely in a relationship, its more of a friends with benefits situation.These kind of expedient relationships can last for years and go no where.Its easy to leave your guy, in fact there was an ancient Simon and Garfunkle record called "50ways toleave yourlover." Just do it.I cant imagine its any of your friends business how you break up or why, unless she's waiting in the wings, wanting her own position validated.If she's got her own long term man then its still not her business.Its your life andhow you feel is important to you.5 or 6 years of feeling like youre trapped in a relationship where your expected to be treated in a way that makes you feel good about yourself but infact are being treated as socially inferior can be very draining and the truth is you hardly know who to trust. In this case you must trust yourself and think about pruning away the hangers on.Race is damned important as you should know because there are a host of issues around it , but you should be looking to be with someone whos feelings go beyond race, so.eone whose feelings relate to you alone as a person.You are not legally bound to each other if you are not married , but if you want to get married then your new love interest sounds like a good starting point because you shouldnt have to fight for acceptance, it should be your guaranteed right in the first place.Mr Elusive has a commitmant problem thats only solved by no one knowing where he is and what he does. Your friend may be in his fan club and wanting to step in your shoes when she feels hes ready so i suggest you feed her a little false information and see if it gets back to you ,something like "Im thinking of going treking in Katmandu for a month.." It might be a good idea to stop confiding your feelings and experiences and hopes and fears to her because its not really her business if youre having a social, emotional, and maybe spiritual growth spurt is it and you dont need permission or sanctions to run your life. You are a person too!
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (25 July 2015):
Dear OP,
I think you're reasons aren't minor, I completely understand.
But still, I feel that you owe yourself and him an official break up.
Just walking away without a comment and letting him guess if it's over seems weak, as if you were too scared to say the truth. And I don't think that this is the impression that you want to give off. A self-confident woman can make a clear and short statement, this is not meant as a gift for him, but for yourself. You're strong enough to walk away and letting him know that he doesn't have a chance with you anymore.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): Hi, I am the original poster here and there's something I didn't mention. I did try to break up with him, I told him I wasn't happy and had been feeling distant. He only said "distance works both ways" and then asked me about a camera he had loaned me. That really hurt me so I said I'd return it to him. I did and I was with my sister that day, we were going boating. She had no idea what was going on so she invited him. He looked me in the eye and said "no thank you, I'm gonna be busy watching some movies." No calls, no nothing after that. So I just saw it as "over." Three weeks went by like this and then I met the new guy. I agree though that i could have done better. I just felt so hurt that I didn't want to talk to him or see him anymore. I did take the easy route so now I'm at a loss, could I just call him and tell him that it's officially done?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 July 2015):
 In 5 years he didn't learn how to speak your love language with you begging for it? Yep you are incompatible.
Now whether someone "deserves" an official break up, or even wants one. That is a whole different topic. Common courtesy is never to break up via text. Yours was less than that?
I wouldn't go back and re do at this point but you could have done better.
FA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2015):
 So you were with your BF for 6 years. Neglect is never a minor reason, but dating and kissing another guy behind his back is cheating, and not breaking up with your boyfriend clean is cowardice.
Make it quick, say "We're over", and then break the contact, leaving you free to pursue things with this second guy. Otherwise, it's messy and you're cheating. You can't just disappear after 6 years together.
If you leave things hanging, then the old BF will contact you, and having learned the coward's way of doing things, you'll mess up the new relationship by not having the guts to confront you old BF, then what happens if the old guy meets the new guy and tells him you're his girlfriend? Then it's 10 times worse.
Do it clean and do it final. If anything, it's good practice for being an adult, where you'll have to confront many more times with other adults and kids when you have them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): I was in a similar 'relationship' with a guy who hardly ever acknowledged me unless he was after something in return - mainly money. I say the term 'relationship' loosely - but really it was more like a situation where I was being picked up & dropped down again whenever he felt like it. I too never got invited round to meet his family or friends either.
Anyway, like you - we just kind of drifted apart & didn't think of or miss each other & the next thing we knew - we had list contact & were leading separate lives.
Now I'm not saying that is the right thing to do - as your situation seemed a bit more solid than mine - but I would certainly just drop him a note or message saying you've moved on & it's now over. Believe me - he doesn't seem the sort who will be bothered one way or the other - but at least you can move on with your life & forget him once & for all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): Officially dump him. Ie specify that as of 2 months ago, we are no longer together, in case me not talking to you wasn't obvious enough.
Do this for yourself and for your current bf. You don't want him to think you've been two-timing him.
You don't want the ex to bump into you and your current and claim to not have a clue that you broke up with him... You don't want the ex to ruin the new relationship.
Having said that, I'd be careful if I were you. Saying his mother would love you after the second date is a bit much. Make sure he's not just telling you what you want to hear. Get to know him properly but don't take things too fast.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2015):
I don't think it's minor reasons to feel ignored, to be made feel unimportant or even non-essential to his life.
BUT I do think you "owe" him a "I'm breaking up with you as I see us going no where and I want more, I wish you well but I'm done." Not so much for HIS sake but for yours. So you know you exited a not-so-great relationship with your dignity and grace.
I don't see why your race should be part of it, but who knows? I wouldn't START to make it about something like that if you don't know for a fact and are leaving him anyways.
So yes, DUMP the old one. Enjoy life with the "new" one.
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