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female
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anonymous
writes: helloI have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a few days now. He is four years older than I am. He's a great person overall and I love him very much. He always shows me a lot of love and so I feel very loved by him but I have one problem. He seems to notice the negative aspects of my appearance before he notices the positive. For example, he would say "uhh look at that pimple in your face", or he wishes my hair was longer, my butt was bigger and stuff like that. So I feel so unattractive around him sometimes. Other people would tell me I look pretty but he hardly ever says so to me. Just yesterday he told me that I am not all that. Now of course I know I am not a beauty queen, but I just wish he would say some compliments to me sometimes about how I look. When we go out sometimes I see him stare at girls who may past by and it makes me feel like I can never look good enough for him. What should i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2005): You, my dear-are in an emotionally abusive relationship. And be forewarned..it may just get progressively worse. Whenever we allow others to define us, repeatedly hurtfully criticize us, belittle us, and make us feel small and insignificant, we are allowing ourselves to be abused. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much he loves you-he is horribly wrong to be doing this and I think, you realize that...because you're writing in for advice.
Love should build you up-not tear you down. Love means acceptance and healthy, unconditional love, no matter what faults one or both partners have. He is insecure about your attractive looks and his criticisms are designed to destroy your self-esteem so he can feel that he is "the only man for you". I believe that his plan is working. You would do best to cut him loose and not let him back into your world or...demand that he stop immediately, with the threat that if he does it again, he is history. I know I am blunt...but I have been in a relationship like this and it almost destroyed my self-esteem. It certainly crushed my heart and emptied my soul to have a man I loved..do this. I dumped him..grieved..and moved on. It was the best thing I ever did. Don't allow anyone-to put you down, even insidiously and as discreetly as it being done to you. If he loves you and accepts you...he will tell you-how gorgeous you are and how much he loves your hair and that little pimple on your face and how much he loves that cute butt of yours! Nip this in the bud, before it crushes your spirit, dear. Take care, dear and be strong!
Hugs and Smiles, Irish
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (12 August 2005):
A loving relationship should be exactly that- relationships should be a pleasure, not a chore. A partner who truly loves you will not unduly criticise your appearance or behaviour, but will be supportive, helpful and lift your spirits when you are feeling low.
From what you have said it sounds as though you are a very attractive woman. It's a possiblity that you boyfriend may be insecure and is afraid of losing you to another man, and is trying to lessen your confidence so that you will believe that other men do not find you attractive. As Becky suggested, it may bolster his own sense of self worth if he makes comments that imply you do not measure up to his exacting standards.
Regardless, you still need to find out why he is being so hypercritical about your appearance. The next time he makes a comment, challenge him and draw attention to his behaviour. Does he ever make comments in public, or only when you are alone? If he makes comments in company, he may not even realise that he is doing it. If it is only when you are alone and he is a charmer when you are with other people, I would guess that he is trying to erode your confidence, and you should challenge his behaviour before he does you any serious psychological damage.
If his attitude does not improve, I would seriously rethink the relationship. Relationships are about trust, honesty and respecting one another. You should not be made to feel insecure, jealous or unattractive by your partner. If he does not value your worth then you deserve far, far better.
Good luck
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reader, becky05 +, writes (12 August 2005):
Why is he going out with you if he doesnt find you attractive?
He is doing this for one (or maybe both) of two reasons. one could be that he is not happy with his own appearance and critisising yours will make him feel better about himself.
The other (and most likely) is that he is just a man who likes to put others down. You have to ask yourself if you are happy with the relationship the way it is heading and if not, then you have to tell him.
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