A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am really struggling and just don't know what to do. And this is from someone who always has a solution for everything. I feel I need to end a relationship to survive - but I can't bear to hurt a child. I have been with my Partner for two and a half years. We felt lucky enough to meet, become friends and gradually fall in love in our fifties. I met him through the Mother of his child, now three. (They had never been married - the baby was an unexpected happy accident and the Mother discovered she was pregnant months after she had ended their brief six week relationship). The little boy was six months old when we started our relationship and is now nearly 3 and a half. From the start we have had difficult times - but a good relationship and stuck by each other in so many ways.Initially it was problems with the Mother of the child. She had actually tried to throw us together a few times and ecnouraged us to have a relationship - both of us were shy though and happily single. But when we did fall in love and start seeing each other, suddenly she did her utmost to break us up. The end result being, I was not allowed to have contact with the child under threat of him losing access to the child. We stuck this out hoping she would come round to the idea of me being the child's stepmum - and this meant only living together part-time - he lived with me in my small two-room bedsit (I had sold a house and have been wanting to buy another one and move ever since!) When his child was here he would go back to his place. This put such a strain on our relationship, and there were regular threats to stop access and unreasonable arrangements. But after a year, the mother moved to a nearby town, we were more up on the legalities of the situation, and the distance made things easier for everyone to detach. For most of that year I had been living and working with my Partner every day on the farm he part-owns with his brother (this started after my partner was seriously ill for a while and I changed my whole life to help out). He was building an extension to the small house he owned with his brother and we planned to live there. We still went back to my place to sleep for privacy in the evenings, and if the child was over I would have to go home. But after the Mother move, travelling increased and we were under so much stress, we decided to ignore the no contact rule with the intention of being able to say to the Mother some months later - look it has made no difference to you or your relationship with your son. Suddenly everything was perfect! We had our life on the farm, the little boy and I hit it off immediately and we were a happy little family unit on the two days a week he came to stay. We were trying to finish off the extension so we could all sleep in the same house.But three months later, his brother started causing all sorts of problems. He had become attached to the child and resented my presence there. We carried on hoping he would come round but he just seemed to be insanely jealous of us as a little family unit and our happiness. I bent over backwards to be amenable - took a back seat a lot to ensure partner's brother still had quality time with the little one - but nothing made any difference. The pressures got unbearable in a small house as the brother (always prone to fits of anger) was making life very difficult - being unpleasant and snidey and saying poisonous things about me to my partner. Eventually one day my partner couldn't cope with the pressure any more and said I could no longer go to the farm and we would have to live at my place and go out when the little boy was here. I said no - but the shock was so huge when he effectively threw me off the farm, I couldn't think straight - everything changed overnight.At that point my gut instinct told me to walk away and end the relationship. My Partner had not handled his brother and ultimately put that before our relationship. I didn't - my Partner said we would get our own place and he would have to just go to the farm to work. But the main thing was - I couldn't just disappear from the little boys life - he had become attached to me - saw me as a second Mother figure - and I didn't want him to go through a trauma at such a young age.So the past year has been so tough. My Partner has lost the plot at times with all the negative influencing from his brother and living in two different places. We still don't have our own place and can't afford to now. I can afford a one person place, but have now been priced out of the market in our area - so effectively cannot afford to buy a place on my own. We have kept hoping for improved income - looking for extra work - but he works 7 days a week as it is and it's a rural area with very little work.We are more or less back to where we started - except I now have contact with the child, but can't go to the farm so only in the afternoons when we go out. We got more and more public with the access issue and although there was some unpleasantness and threats to stop access from the Mother we braved this out after legal advice - and she has now backed down and accepted it. This happened in April and I have only just got used to the idea that we can freely be a couple with his child. But we can't live in the same house!I have tried to talk to my partner a lot in recent months because I am just not coping emotionally or financially. He is never going to risk rocking the boat with his brother - in case it makes his working life intolerable, he doesn't want to commit to the struggle of trying to pay for our own place (and admittedly it is risky). In my mind he is putting his brother before our relationship. There are many ways we could try and deal with it - but he is just blinkered on this. They have lived and worked together all their lives - have a love hate relationship, but ultimately this brother seems to control my partner and he is accepting it.So I feel I have to give up - but I can't. The little boy is always scared I am going to disappear. We can't bring him to my bedsit because the set up isn't suitable for children - there are people moving in and out of the shared house all the time, no privacy, and no safety certificates. I feel so trapped here. And I hate what we are doing - living together here until the child comes, then partner and child going back to live at farm with brother, while I am excluded all week-end from any kind of home life. We meet up and have lovely afternoons out, but it kills me that we can't go home together.I can't make my Partner do anything - he's had a year and we are no further on - and i can't cope with this either emotionally or financially any longer. I have to accept that there is no real relationship here - it is unequal, we can't help each other and I have lost my partner mentally - he spends more time with his brother than with me and now can't see the wood for the trees. It is like he is married to someone else in some ways.But If I end it - the little boy will be hurt. I have done nursing and teaching in the past and am well aware of how much a child can be affected for life by a significant person deserting them. Also my Father grew up in a childrens home from the age of 4 and has never got over being deserted by his Mother (even though he knows she had no choice).Even though we only go out during the day, the little boy is still very bonded with me and affectionate - we had a holiday last year when we all stayed in the same house again and ever since he has said he wants us to live together.But I cannot keep putting this child through this existence either - he needs a normal home life when he is here, not this compartmentalised existence and weirdness.What on earth can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Yes that was a big worry. I'm more relaxed about it now because the child is talking - and he is never left on his own with the brother. In April we rented a holiday place for a week when the child was here for a full week and it was a busy time of year for farming - so we lived in it for the week and Partner and son went to the farm during the day. At least then we had some normal family time in the evenings and mornings, and his brother couldn't complain he wasn't seeing the child (this is what it is all about - his brother - it's like having a wife and mother-in-law rolled into one). We were all happy - as usual when we stay in a place together - and as we were before I stopped going to the farm. But by the end of the week the brother had threatened to throw my partner off the farm and didn't speak to him for a full two weeks - meaning my partner didn't do any work on the farm (brother ignored him and went to do the work on his own - and also excluded the child who normally went along too). He can't actually throw him off the farm - they own it 50/50 and he couldn't run it by himself.
Yes I know he is trying to protect the child from the unpleasantness, but surely it isn't good for him to only have family life with us in pubs, the car and swing parks and never in a home - which is what we end up doing now. In my mind the child's family life here is more important than pandering to this overgrown spiteful child of a man and his tantrums (brother).
I guess blood IS thicker than water for some people. But I hate that this man is controlling our lives.
Yes I know I'm not the child's Mother, but does that mean I am insignificant to him? We have supported the Mother through all sorts of things - she is about to get married and it is much better for the child - he now has a stable family at that end (with two step brothers as well) - but he loves being with us and he is really bonded with me. I know I'm not technically a step-mother because we are not married - but it feels like it.
I just think it isn't fair on the child - not just me - why shouldn't he enjoy a home life here with my Partner and I? We have, after an awful lot of difficulty, and putting up with a lot of stuff to protect the child from things (ie keeping on good terms with the Mother even though we get a lot of flack) - we have finally got her acceptance (although only after access was stopped and my partner went to mediation and said he was prepared to sort it out in court).
But the only person who can do something about it is my Partner and I hate that he panders to his (frankly neurotic) brother.
Is it better that I leave? Than have this child grow up and have to explain that his Dad's partner can't come to the house because his Uncle doesn't like it? That puts child in the middle. Or not explain and just let him grow up with all this compartmentalisation.
I know my Partner can't control his brother's behaviour, but I think he should put me and the child first. Relationships come first don't they? This isn't the dark ages - if family don't like someone having a relationship and a family and want them to stay single, surely that's not acceptable.
To me it is simple - we can't afford our own place, we need a home - there is enough space at the farm for two separate adjoining homes -if the man doesn't want me around because he wants his brother and his child to himself he can either lump it or move out (I know that's difficult as it is his home - but it is also my partner's home - and I think he should sort this out with his brother - it's not my fault they got left joint ownership of a house they both lived in all their lives). His brother should accept he has a relationship and I am family. He won't because of this precious blooming farm - probably scared I'll inherit or something. That and that I would be more important to my Partner and the child than he is. He is a complete nightmare. And on top of that a hypochondriac.
My Partner says he needs me and our time with the child is special. But I can't get through to him that I can't cope living like this - it's exhausting, disruptive, I can't concentrate - could probably get more work done if I moved out of here - it's too weird living and sleeping together all week then him moving out at the week-end and 'meeting up' and having to have picnic lunches in the car so we can eat together.
I'm sorry I'm going on. The little boy trusts me - we have a really good relationship - and I know all he wants is two happy families - and I want to give him that - yes I feel parental - I'm involved with his Father and we share parenting (of a sort) even if it isn't in a home. We have had difficulty enough when the child has told his Mother he hates her and wants to live with us (which is what made her stop access) - it was only because he had spent a lot of time here while his Mum was caught up in her new relationship and new partner's children - but that has settled down now and she is making more time to be with him.
I want to stick it out for the child - even under these circumstances, but I can't cope without basic support and I'm getting into debt - I need to change things. It's hard enough with Farmers working all hours, without him moving out at week-ends and longer periods, and never being able to go with him.
We have managed not to let it come between us, but it affects me so much when we don't get up in the morning or have breakfast and then I have to meet up in town - I have to make such an effort to be normal and happy in front of the child - and now he keeps asking me where I live (not knowing Daddy lives there too when he's not there). I just said it's complicated and we would explain to him one day.
I suppose you are right - his parents would get him through it. And his brother will get what he wants - the child there all the time and me out of the picture and him sharing the parenting with my partner. My Partner doesn't want that - why doesn't he deal with him then?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): You talk of the child like he is your child, he is not your child and as previously stated he has a set of loving parents and has everything he needs. He is taken to stay at the farm away from you to keep him away from the arguments which to be fair is the best thing for this child, your partner putting his child first. Also you talk of his brother, that is his brother and blood is thicker then water!! You will not win. The child wil be just fine, he is not your concern, his parents will get him through it as that is what they are there for. No matter what your partner will always put his child first and you will never be able to compete with that, you will not be able to compete with family either, if you are not happy then leave!!
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A
male
reader, Roshii +, writes (26 July 2011):
 i will return to give a more in depth reply, i have to log soon.
But you leave, Your going to be a much better mother happy then there. it's better to raise a child in a happy home with happy parents sure but if its not there then way drag the child through all the issues and the sadness.
Get out of there and find your happiness.
We all deserve that much at least.
Roshii
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Hi i remember you posting some time ago with concerns about the childs safety, when alone with his Uncle.
It is a difficult situation for you. But if your partner and his brother don't want you to live at the house with them because of the arguments it caused. There is not really much you can do about that.
Do remember the child has a set of stable, loving parents. If you do decide to end this relationship, he might miss you for a while but I'm sure he will not be badly traumatized.
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