A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, sorry this question is rather long.I'm an adult and hopefully moving out soon, but I have been struggling with my mother and her partner. They have been together for 9 years after my parents' divorce. I suffered abuse from my estranged father and stepmother in childhood; was called names, etc. My father chose his new wife over me every time. They both used to say I would never have lasting relationships in adulthood because I have a bad personality, so that's still a sensitive topic for me.My mother's partner is sometimes nice to me and is good to my mother. He offered me to use his flat when I was looking for a job in that area, which was a kind thing to do. He also drives my mum and I places if we need it and is generally good to her.However, sometimes I feel really uncomfortable around him because I feel he's rude to me. He tends to give me unsolicited advice and I don't appreciate it. He rated me an "8 out of 10." He framed it as dating advice. He said I "shouldn't be dating below an 8 but shouldn't be dating 10's either." I never asked to be rated out of 10 and I never asked for dating advice from him. I told my mother and he did then apologise to me and said he was only trying to give me dating advice.When I was 18, we were out in public and my mum wasn't there. He said "what if the public thinks you're my girlfriend." The other day, he was quite rude to me. Unsolicited, he called me "stubborn and to improve on that" emphasising that it's "not a compliment", and then said, "from what I've seen of [my name], I've never thought she's a kind person, just that she's overly polite when she shouldn't be." My mum then agreed with him, saying I'm "not a kind person, just a pushover." This was when it was just the 3 of us sitting at dinner. They were both very negative. I honestly felt like crying on the spot even though I'm an adult now and try to refrain from getting emotional.After this incident, I pulled my mother aside and said in a calm way that I no longer feel comfortable around her boyfriend and please can I reduce the time I spend around him, but I'll still see her on her own. It really triggered the abuse I'd suffered as a child. I told her I'd spend more time away from the house until I move out so that it doesn't affect their relationship.I gave examples of the unsolicited comments he's given over the years that made me feel uncomfortable and hurt. My mum then got defensive, insinuating I'm lying and that he would never say some of those things or didn't mean it. She said I'm "making up conspiracy theories" because he cares about me. She insisted that it "isn't his intention to hurt me" so therefore I shouldn't be so sensitive. It's been a week and my mother has been giving me the silent treatment after calling me "oversensitive and critical of everyone but myself." I think his comments were pretty uncalled for and it affects my self-esteem. I told my mother I felt put down but she insists I'm too sensitive. I am getting counselling for this, but I'm still quite upset about it.I apologise that this is long. I just don't know what to do. TL;DR I feel my Mother's boyfriend is quite rude to me sometimes, and some of his behaviour has creeped me out. I no longer feel comfortable around him. I told mum, and now she hasn't talked to me for a week and says I'm overreacting. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2023): These are all signs that it's time to move-out, my dear.
People can't watch every single word they say, and the right words don't always come out of our mouths. That includes you, anyone reading this, and myself included. Do you always say the right thing, are you always polite, have you never said something that offended anybody? It's bound to happen when you're frequently or regularly around people. It could be a member of the family, a neighbor, a co-worker, a date, or a complete stranger. You can't always say the appropriate thing 24/7/365.
Every dumb or inappropriate comment is not an intentional insult, or meant to offend you. If you're touchy, or a very sensitive individual; offending or upsetting you is very easy to do. Whether anyone intends to, or not! He has known you for nine years; he lives in the same house, and he's your mother's longtime-companion. He might take a few liberties to speak out of turn. If he makes crude comments; just tell him you were offended by what he said. People don't always know your back story, can't read your mind, or always know what your triggers are.
If you're in long-time therapy, and it hasn't helped; it may be time to find another therapist and maybe pursue a different technique of treatment.
We're getting a one-sided story; and one might think the guy was a creep coming-on to you, or whatever. Your mother gets offensive, because she is in the position of knowing the both of you. She gave birth to you, and he is her partner. Rather than cause friction, or enduring unnecessary interactions with your mother's partner; it would be best to find yourself another place to live. To tell your mother he makes you uncomfortable is almost implying she should get rid of him to prove her love for you. If that's not your motive; it might be best to find a roommate, or get a place of your own to feel safe and give yourself some secure space. You will still encounter people who will say things that make you uncomfortable.
If you're easily triggered due to the abuse in your past, you should seek trauma-focused therapy. It's difficult for everyone near you to tip-toe around on pins and needles; not sure of what they might say that upsets someone with a past of child-abuse. Especially, someone who might have an untreated stress disorder, or some form of anxiety disorder. You've known this man for nine years; and I think you'd know whether he meant you any harm, or not. He's just some clod who doesn't always say the right thing; and I am only speculating that you may be suffering from anxiety or some post-traumatic stress from a difficult childhood. Based solely on what you've explained in your post.
It's time to find your own place, and to get yourself into some mental-health counseling. If your healthcare plan will pay for the therapy, get it as soon as possible. Your mother shouldn't have to defend neither you, or her partner. You're a grown-woman, who can make her own decisions, support herself, defend herself to some degree, and live her own life.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 February 2023):
 Your mum's partner does sound a bit creepy and the things he has said to you are definitely inappropriate. However, you cannot expect everyone to tread on eggshells around you because you suffered trauma in the past. Horrible as the abuse you suffered must have been, you have to learn to cope with how people are with you. You cannot let past pain affect your whole life.
Some people will be nice, some will be not so nice, others still will be downright horrible. You cannot control how people treat you but your strength lies in how you react to them. You can CHOOSE to allow them hurt you or you can CHOOSE to brush off their nonsense (because that is what it is), hold your head high and carry on as you were. The pain does not come from their actions or words but from how you CHOOSE to handle them.
I know it is sometimes difficult to think of a reply when you are put on the spot but, in your shoes, when the creepy boyfriend made the comment about people thinking you were his girlfriend, you should have laughed and said something like "more like my grandad", or even "I really don't think that is likely", then changed the subject. When he was giving you unsolicited "dating advice", you could have laughed it off and thanked him sarcastically for giving you an 8.
I offered my partner's mother a cream cake when she dropped in once. She's spent her life being careful of what she eats and always super-slim, whereas I haven't and, hence, am NOT super-slim. She wrinkled up her nose in disgust and replied "No, thank you, and YOU shouldn't be eating cream cakes either" while pointedly looking me up and down. Did I break down in tears? Did I let her (rather rude) comment affect me in any way? I laughed and promptly told my partner, who walked into the room immediately afterwards, and we both laughed. I still tell people the story, laughing every time. You have a CHOICE of how you react to people. You can CHOOSE to let their actions or words get to you, or you can CHOOSE to laugh them off and refuse to let them affect you. You just need to convince yourself you are strong enough to react either way.
All that said, you need to concentrate on getting your ducks in a row so you can move into a place of your own. It's time for you to start building your own life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2023): Sorry, and feel free to ignore my answer of course, but to be honest, at least from what you wrote, yes, I think too that you are way too sensitive and that you need 1) to grow a thicker skin 2 ) to improve your self -esteem regardless of possible, or missing, outside validation 3) to understand that not all the world revolves around you and that people is not obliged to tiptoe around your issues.Not even your mom.
Nothing of what you wrote that your stepdad said sounds to me like rude or mean or invasive. It's simply that avuncular, awkward, at times lame humour that many adults use to joke with younger people. He's your stepdad, why should he be hypervigilant of what he says around you ? Why can't he say you look like an 8, btw it's a beautiful compliment ! Maybe there are subtler , finer way to convey it, but since you say, and it sounds like, you have a bit of a self/esteem problem, maybe he just wanted to help you boost it and anyway I don't see why you are getting angry about being called beautiful ! As for the comments about your character and personality, again, it's not as if he is a perfect stranger, he is family, he is your mom's husband, you live together ! Is he supposed to never say anything if he sees you doing things that may be annoying to people or ,worse, detrimental to yourself and your social / personal relationships ? And if you really wish to keep things between you on a more formal , distant level - well, tell him : I do not think we are close enough for you to give me advice or criticism. This without involving your poor mom who then is pulled in different directions and is cornered into siding with one of you displeasing the other. Finally, sure it's sad that you had a bad relationship with your dad , it should not have happened, - but it did happen and now
you want all the world to be paying for that ? Everybody must really mind their p 's and q's around you because any time you hear something of your not total liking...you get "triggered"? Well, work on reducing your triggers then , or at least dealing with them, not on changing other people , particularly those who bring you no ill will ! Maybe see a counselor or a therapist if needs be ,- but it's sapere, faster and, ultimately ,fairer changing oneself , rather than going about changing the people around you to make them more as you think they should be.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (8 February 2023):
 I really sorry for what happened to you in your childhhood, this can't have been an easy thing to go through.
You start by saying he is sometimes nice to you, and is good to your mother, and offered you the use of his flat etc.
Ok I agree I think its strange he is offering you dating advice, and scoring you between 1-10, and even more weird asking if people will think you are his girlfriend.
You have broached your concerns to your Mum and she has chosen not to believe you, and as a consequence decided to give you the silent treatment.
At the end of the day he is your mothers partner and in all honesty apart from move out and start a new life somewhere else there is not much else I can advise to do really.
By your own admission you say that you are an adult and hopefully moving out soon, I think you should now be concentrating on making this goal come to fruition. In the mean time while your looking for alternative accommodation keep yourself to yourself and just normal and polite, and tell yourself this won't be for much longer.
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