I don't feel as close to my boyfriend as I think I should?

Tagged as: Dating

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Question - (8 May 2013)

5 Answers - (Newest, 9 May 2013)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone.

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 25. We've been dating for 4 months. I'm not expecting him to tell me he loves me or anything but I feel very little intimacy with him.

He talks about himself a lot and he seems to have a lot going for him. When I actually think about it, he's not much more successful than I am but the way he talks about himself makes me feel like I'm being cast in his shadow.

I had a lot of emotional problems in high school and I've mentioned them to him a little. But just recently, I wanted to go a little more in depth and share more. But he stopped me and said, maybe you can tell me this later when we've been together longer. Honestly, I feel like 4 months is plenty of time! I'm not telling him I love him, I'm letting him know me! When I talk about my own daily life, particularly HUGE stresses and HUGE accomplishments for me in school, I get little reaction. He listens but I just feel no closeness and no relationship.

We've gotten in several arguments about how he seems a little self absorbed and he is impossible to talk to. He gets really sarcastic and writes an argument off if he thinks its stupid/unimportant. We had a huge fight on Sunday night and I though he apologized for acting rudely, I felt like I left his apartment with more problems than I had in the first place. And now he's on his own little mini vacation and I'm stuck here all bothered by what happened.

I don't know what to do or what to make of all of this. Does anyone have any input or advice for me?

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A female reader, chigirl +, writes (9 May 2013):

People think you have sex because at your age, and after 4 months in a relationship, most are having sex. Don't get offended by it, it's a natural question to ask.

But it is good that you aren't having sex, at least then the situation isn't worst case scenario. Then at least you know he isn't just using you for sex, there's obviously something else about you that attracts him.

But it could still be that he isn't that interested in you. Perhaps he just wants some arm jewelry. I've several times met and dated men who only wanted me because they thought I looked great. Then couldn't care less to find out who I was. One guy even proposed, and he didn't know a single thing about me. Another asked me to move in with him, again without even knowing my last name. To these guys I was just some pretty fantasy, and they liked the IDEA of having me, but didn't really want to get to know me.

Anyway, his comment about "maybe waiting longer before you tell him" is a red flag. Why wait? Like you said, you're not asking him to marry you, you're not even saying you love him. You're simply opening up and want to share something with him. He should be thrilled that you're letting him in, letting him get closer than most others. Yet he wants to keep you at a distance, doesn't want you that close... it almost seems he just wants to stay casual.

Could be he's just veeeeeeeeeeery careful and wants to go super duper extra slow. But that's weird. And maybe the reason why he hasn't been in a relationship for so long is that no other woman was interested in going that super slow?

But more likely than not he's just self obsessed. And it's not worth fighting over it, because he is who he is and that wont change. If you've met a self centered man then you'll never be his priority, he'll always put himself first. You'll always be second best. And the reason why he doesn't care about getting to know you is because he doesn't find you nearly as interesting as he finds himself. Another possible reason for why he's been single for so long... he doesn't get interested in anyone but himself... So, yeah, you got his brief attention, but only enough attention for him to talk to you about himself.

Listen, you're looking for something else in a relationship. I wouldn't be happy with this either. I want a boyfriend who I can talk to about everything. A man who is my best friend, who knows me inside out, who I can share all my secrets with and who shares all his secrets with me. You know pretty fast I think, if you can open up to someone else or not. Usually, it's about you taking YOUR time to see if you trust him with your secrets and life story. I've never come across a situation where the other person needed his time to LISTEN to the secrets and life story. Never come across that before. So to me, this is about him not finding you interesting enough, and about him not wanting to get to know you. Perhaps he's planning to break up with you, and thus wants you to be at arms length.?