A
female
age
41-50,
*ewildered75
writes:hello and thanks in advance for readingmy situation is that im a married, have 3 children and i left my partner nearly 1 year ago. i left because my husband completely lived a separte live from me and the children. he would go to work return from work heading straight for the computer room were he would then spend the rest of the evening. he refused to go out with me on a one to one basis - claiming he didnt like people. he refused to go out on family days out and spent very little time doing anything at all with the children. i felt so frustrated and rejected. i tried countless times to talk to him about how i felt and he would become hostile. After almost 2 years of this situation, i felt i had no choice but to leave. when i announce i was leaving he asked me not to go, he asked me to accecpt him for who he is - that he needs his time to do his hobbies ect and that he was a loner ect.since i left he has repeatly told me that he loves me and always will and we have been together many times - so techinically we are not separated. but i live alone with our 3 children. he has them at weekends. i am so confused as what to do.i suppose things turned out ok for him because he got want he wanted, he can spend as much time as he likes doing the things he likes, he spends time with the children( which is progress and i am glad to say that since we split up he does make a huge effort with the children when they are there.) he tells me he has realised many things , that he was a crap husband and father but although he sais these things he doesnt seem to want to change themand instead he taken on more hobbies and now works all hours on a website.and then there me, we spend stolen moments hugging when the children are not looking and on rare occisions i will go along and spent time with him. i dont doubt that he does love me, but his behaviour is so selfish. should i just call it quits and move on with my life.we have been together for 13years ...any advice or opinion is greatly recieved.if you need any more information just ask , i tried to keep it short
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Big, big, hugs, that's all I can do from here.. Everything else is your decision.. my heart goes out to you, your husband and your family..
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
Sigh.. yes, I know.. this man is not easy, he can learn to do things differently, but he will always be hard work, natural social and emotional things don't seem to come easy for him.
I like people to stay married...
But you sound like you've had enough... is it fair to ask you to try again, when at heart he can never change. Your happy where you are, and in time, I think you'll find happiness with somebody more suitable..
But I sure do like happy endings... :(
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female
reader, bewildered75 +, writes (24 June 2010):
bewildered75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits funny you should mention aspergers as my daughter was diagnosed last year. I do think he has some sort of depression as he doesnt sleep well sometimes only an hour at night. We also had couple therapy a few years back when all this started and the therapist suggested many things for him to do- ie his own therapy. but after a few sessions which were extremely hard for him and to be honest when we got out the session he was "broken" he felt he could not continue. just want to add that we where in couple theapy for around 6 months.
I personally think he has a lot of work to do on himself, he himself says this too, anger being a big problem for him also - he often refers to himself as a freak, but i can not make him change and to be honest i wont want the job of trying.
So this is where its hard for me, because he can see the "error of his ways" for want of a better expression, and chooses not to do anything about it.
I am honestly so confused and hurting right now, it feels like i have gone back to the start. they way i felt when i was first making the decision to leave him. Knowing full well that this man does in his own way love me, but he has became incapable of being there for me emotionally, mentally or even pysically. when i did leave i felt anger and frustrated and also relief at the no mans land that was my life was over. that soon changed to resentment and then to peace and compassion for him.
I got mixed up with a guy around 4 months after i left my ex which was disasterous, admittedly not the most stable person on this planet, but he said all the right things. When i told my ex husband he was horrified and we spent almost a month fighting, i felt that what i was doing was ok because it was over between us , abeit very soon after the breakup. he on the other hand felt completely different and confessed that he thought when i moved out that i would go , sort my head out and we would get back together. this came as a shock to me as when i did leave apart from a half heart , please dont go, he didnt seem too bothered.
when he let his feeling be known and i realised how stupid i had been in the first place to get involded so quickly with someone else i called it off. i couldnt continue with it as my relationship with my ex needed tobe managable and the lines of commuication open as the children come first.
so i made a stupid mistake and my ex stands by me all the way. he says he understands why i went with the other guy and strangley he was so supportive.
I just feel like i am going around in circles, every day i wake up and he is on my mind. all day every day. i so want my marriage to work and my family be together, and i doubt a few dates to the cinema is going to be enough glue to fix this mess.
i imagine myself trying to tell him all this and feel like he doesnt want to hear it he hates "we need to talk conversations" so here i am wishing for something and the reality is very different.
i almost got excited when i read the reply about going on dates ect and letting him do rather that say but then all the other issues came floading in.
am i making a huge mistake to walk away from this - he seems to think that what we have is better than nothing at all. my thinking is at least with nothing at all you know where you are.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
I was thinking slight Aspergers myself..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Has he been seen by a medical doctor and evaluated for depression?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
And if he ever changes back to that cold distant man.. then warn him that it's easy to pack your suitcases...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
Think you made a mistake there.. he's doing what you asked, he's trying to change, he asked you for a date.
Forget about him being your husband. Treat him like a new guy who you've just met. Stop having sex with him. Expect him to want to spend time with you. Force him to give you a reason to want to take him back. Force him to romance you at last.
Yes, he'll always be a man with hobbies. But he can learn to also make time for you and the kids. Watch his behaviour, not his words. Tell him that he's got to show you a proper life that you would be willing to return to.
Date him.. and also arrange family time, with you and kids, or him and kids alone..
Now he can try hard to be 3 men.. the man who has hobbies and hates being social.. the father who loves taking his kids out... and the boyfriend you are examining, who with good behaviour might be moved to lover status, and maybe even husband in the end..
Go on dates honeypie, order the biggest popcorn tub, ask for the moon and stars... go out and have some bloody fun with this guy who needs to relearn what's important in life.
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A
female
reader, bewildered75 +, writes (23 June 2010):
bewildered75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply, yes i feel like this is a truth, and i also do know that i cant change him.
just when i had come to some kind of clarity - he called me last night and suggests we go out to the movies or a meal or maybe even stay over at a nice hotel i was so confused i just changed the subject and starting talking about the kids ....
i just cant seems to get this ideal that we can make it, i also wanted to add that up until a few years ago, he was very attentive and caring and we spent time together as a family regularly as well as "us" time. so its not like i am asking for something i never had, he changed.
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A
female
reader, bewildered75 +, writes (23 June 2010):
bewildered75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply
just when i had come to some kind of clarity - he called me last night and suggests we go out to the movies or a meal or maybe even stay over at a nice hotel i was so confused i just changed the subject and starting talking about the kids ....
i just cant seems to get this ideal that we can make it, i also wanted to add that up until a few years ago, he was very attentive and caring and we spent time together as a family regularly as well as "us" time. so its not like i am asking for something i never had, he changed.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 June 2010):
The moment I ever read of hear someone say 'I don't doubt that he loves me, but..." I know it's a losing battle. Fact is, if he loved you that much, he would have attempted to either change or adapt in some way. Even if he didn't like going out, you two could have gone out to eat, or to see a film or something like that. The fact is, this man is not relationship material and never was. He is what he is. A man who just likes to live his own life. There will never be commitment, nor any real moments other then the few 'stolen' ones. This is a casual relationship and nothing more. If you're looking for more, then it's time to move on from him.
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