| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex broke up with me over a year. It was nasty. He's my first and it was his longest and the most serious relationship. However, he left without giving me the real reason. I initiated contact a few times. He still told me he loved me, but he never came back. I loved him with all my heart and would definitely die for him. We've been through too much and I was always there for him when he needed me. I dont think I deserve the way he ended it. Ive tried everything everyone suggests here. I'm doing fine, better and better. I remind myself how he treated me and how much I hate him. It helps me move on. However, I still think about him, every single day. I know he has a new girlfriend and I dont want him back. But I just cant stop thinking about him. Its been a year, why is that?
View related questions:
broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 I have to second Tisha once again.
It is so hard for you because you are at an unhealthy place in your life and mind right now, and you may need some specialized psychological support to stop wallowing in disfunctional thoughts.
" You would DIE for him " ? Really ?... maybe you think this is a noble show of pure sentiment, actually it's just a show of how dangerously out of order your priorities and values are, and / or how little importance you give to your precious, sacred self : you would DIE for a guy you have been hanging out with, among plenty of drama, for a twelve months in all, that now you say you hate, and that you would not even take back ?... Why is that so ? people CARE about their life in general, they would have big trouble giving it up even for their nearest and dearest, or for the noblest cause in the world.
Maybe it's just words- or maybe you are somewhat depressed, a reactive depression to the experience of abandonment ( or what you perceive as abandonment ). Not that it does not take some time to get over these things, but if it takes too long, and you find yourself stuck in a mental loop, then it's time to seek help and see a doctor, there's no shame at all in that.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Is this your ex? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-like-i-failed-as-a-girlfriend.html
Definitely time for counseling, woman! You are not in a healthy place if this is so difficult for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2014):
I wonder if you think about him every single day because you've engrained a habit of doing so. Perhaps you are feeling bad about something or you have kept something that reminds you of him, and that triggers the thought?
Have you considered talking to your doctor about this, or perhaps a counselor? Is it holding you back from going on with your life? Are you hanging on to some dim hope that he will return?
Are you still looking at his facebook page? Have you deleted all the texts and emails and burned all his notes or letters to you? Have you tried holding a little funeral ceremony for the relationship, where you basically take anything you own that reminds you of him, box them up, invite over some friends and hold a ritual expunging him from your life?
You derive some sort of energy--negative in this case, but energy all the same--from the daily thoughts.
I would change up your day, stand on one foot and brush your teeth with the non-dominant hand. (Try that, that keeps you focused!) Change the way you go to work, look for coffee in a new shop, change your rhythms and daily routines.
Try to do one thing every day that scares you a little. I don't mean play chicken with the Ferrari in the left lane, but try something that is new and outside your comfort zone.
Ride a bicycle. Strike up a conversation with the person behind you in line. Roll naked in the snow. Learn to ice skate. Shoot some hoops at the gym. Learn to yodel. Take a tango lesson. Have a spring picnic in a city park. Learn how to change your car's oil. Go skeet shooting. Solder something. Make creme brûlée. Set up a wine tasting.
Make a list of something new to try every day and start working the list. When a thought of him intrudes, allow yourself to sit there, observing yourself. "I've just thought of him." And then, just continue to observe yourself thinking about him. Become the witness to your own thoughts. It is a slight subtle shift in thinking but what it does is makes you aware that you are not your thoughts. You are the one who is watching yourself have those thoughts. (Weird, I know but if you stick with the work of watching yourself have these thoughts, you may find a fundamental shift in your awareness.) I have a book on my profile by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, which goes into more detail about how to do that. Or the Power of Now also works though I found A New Earth to be more useful to me.
So start tomorrow with that new book and the list of new things to try. Off you go, report back in a month.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2014):
 "I dont think I deserve the way he ended it. "
You're right. You don't "deserve" such shabby treatment. BUT... it happened... and the guy who perpetrated it isn't about to be contrite or give a darn about how you feel.... so... I suggest you forget him - and this whole affair/relationship - and get on with your life....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2014):
Breaups are never fun, but you're not doing yourself any favors by holding onto a grudge. Instead of hating him for "what he did to you", you need to realize that relationships between incompatible people are bound to fail. Its completely normal, and if he treated you poorly you obviously weren't compatible, right?
...............................
|
