A
female
age
36-40,
*paqueglassheart
writes:My boyfriend broke up with me eleven days before our 3 year anniversary. He is currently in Korea, teaching English to Elementary school children, while I am still in America. He said he couldn't be with me because he "could not reciprocate his feelings for me." I don't believe this is completely true. I feel since he is in a new country, has to learn a new language, and is frustrated about his co-workers from time to time. I think right now he has a lot on his plate, he doesn't feel like he has time for a girlfriend. I was so mad he never told me anything about how he was feeling. I always told him my insecurities about girls hitting on him and him possibly leaving me for another girl. I have been cheated on before, so I do occasionally need reassurance that it won't happen. I started needing that reassurance when he went to Korea. I knew there was something going on before he broke up with me, but I didn't know it was his feelings for me. In the beginning of our relationship, if I got upset with our relationship I either wouldn't talk to him or I'd threaten to break up with him. I learned to talk about how I feel with him. I was so upset he never told me anything. Anything about his insecurities or his feelings at all. A week before he broke up with me, he went on a camping trip and got sick. Then he was very irritated by his co workers not relaying messages to him such as when the superintendent would be coming in to check up on the school. I thought he was in his mood because of that. Every time I see him on gchat, I just want to message him I love him and I miss him. I literally go to bed and wake up thinking about him. I have my emails forwarded to my phone, so every time I get a text in the middle of the night, I'm scrambling and hoping it's Matt. I am trying to figure out how I will further my education, so it's not like I'm sitting at home wallowing in my tears. He was the only who's wanted to be with me for me. The four boys I took interest in before my boyfriend all had a wife, a fiance, or a girlfriend they decided not to tell me about. My boyfriend has stuck by me when one wife was threatening me legal jargon I didn't understand. Being with him and his family made me feel normal and people wanted me.I just want him back and for him to know how much I miss him and love him. What do I do? If I could go to Korea, I would've been doing it already, but this plan is not tangible in my current situation. I don't want our three year relationship to just go down the drain. I just don't believe that there is a switch in a person to turn off their love for someone.Any advice for my situation would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): you need to accept that he just doesn't have feelings for you anymore. In the past you were a drama queen - giving him the cold shoulder or threatening breakup whenever upset. this kind of behavior is destructive for relationships, it can kill the other person's feelings for you. I'm glad you've since learned to be more open and communicative and less manipulative, but some times the damage can't be undone. You can't really expect him to now trust you and be communicative with you, when in the past you've treated him badly. Some times the damage has already been done and he's shut down towards you already. All you can do is learn from this experience so you don't repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. Or, maybe in the far out future when time and distance has changed both of you, if you ever meet up in the future there might be new potential then. But for now, you need to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, so you can move on.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 November 2011):
 He said he couldn't be with me because he "could not reciprocate his feelings for me."
Sometimes you need to learn to accept the answers you are given. He spelled out his feelings for you very plainly. Just because you don't like it and cannot believe he would say something like that - well, it doesn't make it less true. He simply no longer wants to be with you because he doesn't love you. It's not because he is learning Korean or having issues with this co-workers. Who falls out of love because of those two things? Stress will affect your moods, it will make you grumpier, yes, but it won't make fall out of love!
Is it unfair that he dumped you right before leaving for Kora without any forewarning? Absolutely. But you know what? A lot of men will dump their girlfriends and wives out of the blue. These men don't want to face the other person and tell them exactly why they no longer love them or why they want to end the relationship. It's easier to run than to sit down with the other party, to explain yourself and see the other person upset. He probably has been feeling like this for a while, he just didn't want to tell you until the last second, so he didn't have to deal with your responses.
Yes, he may have been better then the previous men you have dated, but that's hardly a competition, since you have dated the lowest of the low in the past. Plenty of men would have looked like prince charming in comparison. Accept what he has told you and don't try to win him back. It's going to make you look desperate and pathetic - not a good look. It's time to be strong and to bust out with some chocolate, ice-cream and get together with your girlfriends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): Your ex-boyfriend knows you love him.
He's told you he doesn't love you.
Believe him and appreciate his honesty. Most guys in his situation wouldn't have the guts to tell the truth. I believe you'll eventually be grateful he did, and probably a lot sooner than you expect.
Getting over your ex when you still love him is very hard and will take a long time, but you can't change his feelings so you have to let him go, cease any further contact, and begin the healing process.
You've experienced a painful loss and will need help and support as you navigate your way through a difficult period in your young life.
I'm offering the same advice I'd give if your boyfriend was killed in a car accident: grief counseling. You need to mourn the end of your relationship, accept the loss as permanent, and start looking ahead to a very different life than you envisioned.
I'm sorry for your loss, best wishes for the future.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 November 2011):
Hi there. How other people treat you, all begins with how you treat yourself.
If you only accept the best for yourself in life and nothing less, well then others will treat you that way also.
On the other hand, if you accept crap from others - the guys who were either married or had a fiance or a girlfriend, well then you are accepting less than the best for yourself.
Admittedly, you didn't find those facts out till later, and I hope that you ended it at that point - which shows self respect. I am assuming that you did finish it then.
What might be causing some problems in this recent relationship, seems to be the insecurity you feel almost constantly.
Although he didn't cheat on you, you constantly had some doubt that because it had happened to you in the past, you were kind of making an assumption that he might do the same.
Men become very wary of insecure women, and they can come across to a man as being needy and desperate. Especially the more it is mentioned. And it does seem that it was a regular topic with you, from time to time. And certainly often enough to make him doubt the longterm viability of a relationship with you.
Three years is a long time for it to go on, with you feeling insecure the way you do, so he obviously liked or loved you quite a lot. Otherwise he wouldn't have stayed with you all that time.
So you probably never gave yourself a real chance to shine.
When one person doubts the integrity of another person in a relationship, what it really means is that the person who has the doubts WILL NOT trust the other. Even though he might have done nothing to cause those doubts. The doubt is from your prior romantic history - it's called emotional baggage. And believe me, it really gets in the way - as you are crrently seeing for yourself.
So how do you let go of the emotional baggage?
That was then, this is now. Those 3 men who were otherwise spoken for, were never yours to begin with, so they were not only cheating on you, they were also cheating on their wife, fiance or girlfriend.
You are never going to know upfront that someone is taken, because they are not going to disclose those details to you, as they know you would avoid them like the plague.
So it serves them to say nothing.
There may have been some signs though, if you were aware of them. And that depends on how long you went out with each of them before you found out the truth.
From early on, the signs could have been:-
(1) They could only see you in the daytime, so no night time dates.
(2) They couldn't sleep over.
(3) They couldn't see you over the weekend.
(4) Special occasions where everyone gets together, for instance - Thanksgiving or Christmas. The commitment would be to their partner.
(5) Making arrangements to see you, then at the last minute cancelling out - and then making some poor excuse as to why.
(6) Being secretive and looking rather awkward, if they received a call on their mobile phone - talked quietly or walked away altogether.
(7) Then saying it was someone from work about a project they were working on.
(8) If you asked them to go to something with you, they can't just say straight out - "Yes". Being hesitant about it, like they have to check what their other half is doing.
(9) Telling you NOT to call them at home. This one's a biggy.
(10) Being unavailable.
(11) Unable to make an emotional commitment to you.
Just so many subtle little things, you probably thought nothing of at the time. However, the signs are there if you know what you're looking for.
So that's something for you to be aware of in future, when meeting new men you would like to date.
Now getting back to this recent boyfriend of 3 years.
Your insecurities that he might cheat on you like the other 3 did, was probably a heavy weight for him to carry, and knowing that you were comparing him with them. That was an insult to him, in a way. That he might do the same.
Also, knowing that you apparently didn't trust him, probably didn't sit comfortably with him either.
If when you were together, what you mostly spoke about was you worrying if he would go off with someone else, well then that could have worn pretty thin after a while.
It's much more important in a relationship, to make sure your time together is happy and full of fun and laughter. Then when you both go your own ways, you both have happy memories to think about.
Perhaps after seeing you the only memory he had, was you doubting him all the time and your insecurities. Nothing much else.
Pretty negative, isn't it?
It's not something you would want to remember someone for.
When you focus only on what COULD happen - the negatives - it attracts more negative energy into your life.
On the other hand, if you only focussed on what is good about him and what you love about him and all his good qualities and his nice family, PLUS all the good times you have had over the 3 years, you would feel completely different. There would be no room for doubt.
What you focus on most, you attract more of that into your life.
When this opportunity came up for him to teach English to Korean Elementary school children, he thought it might be a chance to do something else with his life.
At that time, he could have come to a place in his life, where he wasn't sure if there was real hope for marriage with you some time in the future. If he had've believed he wanted to marry you, he might not have taken that posting at all.
It's possible that he could see you already had doubts left over from your past, and so you virtually doubted all men, and so he probably didn't want a life of being married to someone who COULD NOT trust anyone! You and he would have been very unhappy indeed, and not to mention many arguments over it as well.
You can't change what's happened - the breakup - but you can decide to NOT take it too personally and make a genuine effort to move on with a happy, interesting, fun life of your own.
The more interesting you make your own life, the more happy you will be.
Too often in new relationships, women believe they must be completely available to their new man - and so they give up everything. They are afraid to say no to going out, because they feel that to have a life of their own is being selfish. Not true.
It IS really important to have a life of your own, and to retain that lifestyle once in a new relationship.
For instance:-
(1) Keep in touch with your friends - and still see them from time to time, plus phone calls to them.
(2) Keep doing your sports, gym, hobbies and interests.
That way, it makes you interesting and independent and gives him the knowledge that you have your own life and you know who you are and what you want. And that you are responsible for your own happiness.
If you give up everything instantly, that makes you dependent on him for your happiness.
We are each responsible for our own happiness, no-one else is. It's completely up to us.
Men love women who are confident, independent and a little unpredictable as well. It keeps things interesting for them and never dull. And they love women who know who they are and what they want and how to get it. It also tells men that you WILL NOT ever be taken for granted, or mistreated by anyone.
Then you have their respect.
So from now on, trust a man completely, unless he ever gives you any reason NOT to.
Accept only the best for yourself - and nothing less. No exceptions.
So you don't upset yourself, don't go on the chat site to see if he's placed any messages there. You are only tormenting yourself, and it serves no real purpose to do so.
And don't write any messages there for him either. Because that looks needy and desperate to him, and it further confirms your insecurities.
Perhaps from now on, don't make any further contact with him at all, and instead just see if he does make contact with you.
What he needs now, is some space so he can think about things.
While he is over there and away from you, he can think about how he feels about you, and also if he misses you - and how much.
Then he can be objective.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (26 November 2011):
 This is a difficult situation but you cannot force someone to stay or be with you.
Your boyfriend has his own reasons why he cant cope in the relationship anymore.
You can try talking to him and seeing if he will change his mind but other than that there is not much you can do but give him time and space.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (26 November 2011):
 You have said you have wanted reasurance that your boyfriend won,t cheat because you have been cheated on befor. This is because your relationships were with men who were married or had a girlfriend. So you have not been finding your own guy atall.
Now you have found one you are saying all the wrong needy things to him that a guy who is abroad teaching will not want ot hear. He wants someone who is as independent as he is and can have a conversation without bringing up insecurities all the time.
Not talking to the guy and threatening him with ending it ,will make him feel like he doesn,t mean much to you.
You havn,t learned how to talk with him atall your still talking at him.
He will not convey his feelings to someone who has hurt him!
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