A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi - any help would be appreciated. I am on a total mess. My best girl friend and I went away last year and met a couple of guys. Both of us are in long term relationships but nothing happened with them. We spent a couple of nights out getting drunk with them but it was all very friendly.I've been with my guy for about 4 years and we've had ups and downs on the way. This year I have kept in touch with this other guy and we have text every couple of months - all very friendly and nothing odd. I will admit I did find this guy attractive. My girl friend and i decided to go to their country for a couple of days though we didn't intend to meet up with the guys.We did end up meeting them. My heart fluttered when I saw this guy. We had a lot to drink. After a while he kissed me but I stopped it as I have a long term boyfriend, but I'll admit I was torn. He then walked my friend and I home and afyer shewent to bed he tried pretty hard on number of occasions to persuade me to sleep with him. On an animal level I really wanted to but I didn't. We did lie next to each other and cuddled up but nothing else happened. He then left in a bit of a hump when he realised he wouldn't get laid.I sent him a friendly text the next day asking if he got back ok and thanking him for walking us home but got no response.I'm now feeling all sorts of confused. On the one hand, I feel absolutely terrible about betraying my boyfriend although I didn't go the whole way. On the other hand, and im ashamed to admit this, there is a part of me that regrets not sleeping with him. There is part of me that is considering trying to arrange to see him again. But I know that would probably be the end of my relationship.I do love my boyfriend, but I don't know what to do. I feel like such a bad person for even contemplating trying to see the other guy again. Please help :(
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female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (12 November 2014):
I think you need time to be on your own and not be in a relationship. Maybe you need to date a few more men if you can't be satisfied with just one. It is wrong to keep your boyfriend close to you just because he loves you. And if you REALLY love him, you wouldn't think twice about these other guys no matter how attractive they are or endearing their personalities are. Being a loyal girlfriend isn't enough to keep a solid relationship either, being committed to him is (meaning you're always thinking about what makes him happy and you doing those things because it makes YOU happy). I think if any of these are missing, then the relationship may not be real. Don't waste his or your time. Figure out what's missing in your life to lead you to that kind of temptation.If in your discernment you realize that you still want to be with your boyfriend (meaning marry him one day), then let this be your lesson and don't fall into the same mishap. I don't think your bf needs to know this because it will only hurt him. Your guilt will be punishment enough and just do your best to appreciate your boyfriend more and stay AWAY from situations that will lead you to the same one that happened. Don't hangout with guys without your bf, if need be. Don't drink without your bf etc. etc.Good luck!
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 November 2014):
This 'playing the field some more' itch is going to keep itching, if it's already so strong now. If meeting this one dude was enough to almost push you over the edge to the point where you regret doing the right thing by rejecting him, I'd say you have a pretty big problem.
It seems like your 'lack' of sexual partners bothers you, but ask yourself: what difference would a shag have made? Would it suddenly have fullfilled you, in the 'oh now I've experienced that I'm ready to settle down' way? Is it some box you want to tick?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): I think it would be fair to tell your bf what happened with this other guy. Maybe you are not even ready for a serious relationship at this point of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): I am the original poster and thank you for your replies, it is much appreciated. They are very honest and I am grateful for that.
I make it clear that I am not proud of how I acted. Perhaps to put things into context a little more - I have never ever had a one night stand or anything like that. In fact my boyfriend is the only person I've ever slept with. We have talked about marriage etc and whilst the majority of me is excited by that idea there is a small part that maybe regrets that I didn't 'play the field' more before.
If you are tempted to stray though does it necessarily mean that your relationship is over? Is it on some level normal to crave something new and exciting after a long time together with one person? Is it realistic that you will never find anyone else attractive again? I just don't know. I know there are things I need to address and talk to my boyfriend about.
I know this other guy is not 'the answer'. I know that nothing long term would ever happen with him. That's not what I want anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): I advise you to break up with your boyfriend.Yes so you didn't cheat with this guy and you regret that.Well, there are plenty of attractive men in the world. It wasn't this one you cheated with, but it will be the next one.Your regret of not sleeping with the guy coupled with your continued contact with him would suggest that while you may indeed have feelings for your boyfriend, they are not strong enough to deter you from straying. In other words, you don't have strong enough feelings to justify a relationship with your boyfriend.Many men and women in committed relationships are attracted to people other than their partners but their love for their partners is strong enough to keep them loyal.That you regret not sleeping with him means on balance, you think the shag would have been worth jeopardising your relationship. In simple terms. You do not love your boyfriend in the way he would like you to. In the way you would like someone to love you. You may love him. But not enough.Let him go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): Right so you stopped the kissing because you was in a long term relationship ... I am guessing he must of knew this .. and even afterwards he was trying to sleep with you... wow this dude sounds like a really man with Morals !
he just wanted to get laid , and look he is now even ignoring you.
sounds like you liked the idea of a new flame or something similar ... you need to ever end it with your chap or put all of that focus into making your relationship work before it happens again and this time you cave in
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2014):
 I think the fact that you KEPT in contact with this dude #2, you "sort of" fancied, shows a little bit of disrespect for your relationship, and maybe a bit of denial? You KNEW when you met him the first time that you felt an attraction, THAT.... should have stopped you RIGHT there in your tracks.
Having a drink or two, great conversation and so forth is OK as long as you are honest about it. That means WITH yourself AND your BF.
Having a drink with a guy you are attracted too, a kiss AND a cuddle is WAY out of line.
And my guess is your BF is clueless. Which means, you KNOW and understand that your actions were NOT OK. My guess is also that If your BF had done this, you would have been HURT and ANGRY.
Before you do any more damage to your relationship. TAKE the time to figure out WHY you are with your BF and if what you have is something you WANT to keep building on or not. THEN HAVE the decency to TELL your BF what happened. LET your BF choose if he wants to STAY with you and work this out or not.
And IF you DO decide to stay and work it out, no more VISITS to wherever Dude#2 lives, no more texting, chatting, NA DA, NOTHING, CUT the contact.
I think you realize that dude #2 sees you as a piece of ass NOT as a future anything and THAT is why you are sticking with the BF. Which, isn't really fair on your BF.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (11 November 2014):
 The guy wanted sex and probably nothing else. He was happy to be cheating with you when you already had a boyfriend (I presume he knew), so you could never trust him if you had a relationship with him.
Are you happy with your boyfriend? I'm guessing not, or you would not have been tempted to stray.
Sort out the issues in your relationship. If you can't and decide to split up, then is the time you can look around but not before.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 November 2014):
 Your reltshp is done. End it. You are now into being casual due to the emotional distress from your past.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 November 2014):
It seems pretty obvious the only thing you'll get from this guy is sex. If that's worth ending your relationship (which you should do before cheating) that's your choice.
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