A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok this is a long one,Me and my fiance have been dating for 6 years now and have 2 small boys together.I love him so much and would do anything for him. He has messed up so many times and every time he messes up i feel like a small piece of my beliefe in him dies. I dont trust him and i dont know i ever will. Here is a small list of why i dont trust him. his friend threw him a birthday (wich keep in mind i was not invited to) and he ended up making out with a girl there. That killed me. He dident even want me to go. Then he went to a show with his buddy and his buddys girl friend (also was not invited and yes i asked) checked my myspace the next day and his buddys girlfriend posted pics from the show... Turns out there was anouther girl with them the whole time. And they planned it because there where pics of the girls getting ready for the show. I asked him why he lied to me and dident tell me and he said he knew i would be mad... Thats all that mattered not the fact that it would break me heart in ways he will never know. Last weekend we went to his buddys house ( diff buddy) and they have a small son so we brought the boys over to play. He ended up getting drunk even though i told him i had to work at 5am and please dont drink because our boys needed to get home and in bed. He got so drunk he threw up. I asked him 6 or 7 times to please go home with me because if i left him there im sure he would have done something bad and pluse he was supposto watch our boys while i worked.. Im an assistant manager at a hotel so i dont have the option of calling out when my fiance messes up big time.. I had to lie and tell my work that my son was very sick... The fact that he would even put me in that situation pisses me off. My only goal is to be a great mom and my kids are my whole world.. I dont care about going out and partying and getting drunk... I want to spend this time being with my fiance and my kids.. seems like he wants to be with his friends more than with me. I love him with all my heart but when is enough enough?? I dont want to fight with him when he wants to go out... i dont want him to go out because i dont trust him... what the hell do i do in this position.
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male
reader, garcypher  +, writes (29 May 2009):
it will not do much good talking I bet you have already tried what the reader has sugested. That would have been the first step. It won't change him. He is set in that pattern of cheating on you and will no doubt carry on. If it was always as simple as saying "I'm angry at you" there would be no divorces and divorce lawyers wouldn't make a penny. What you need to do, at the very least, is threaten him with divorce. See how he reacts to that. I'm sorry but he is messing you about blatently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): It sounds like you're having a bit of a break-down in communication right here. Here is a tried and true thing.Tell him, be open. Say that you want to try and start having a more truthful relationship, that you will be as honest about your feelings, and that you would like him to try as well, but understand if it is difficult.Whenever things come up and you feel angry, or you feel upset, or you feel some sort of belief about your fiance, something that you know is hurtful. Take a moment and observe your emotions. How exactly does that make you feel. Now instead of criticizing him, focus on your reaction to him. This has to do as much with wording as tone of voice. So for instance, instead of "Why would you get so drunk when you had to watch the kids? You put me in a very difficult situation and I'm angry with you." Think along the lines of "When you got drunk that night, it made me feel very angry and disappointed." THEN the important next step is you ask "How does this make you feel?" And keep asking him until he gives you a straight answer such as "Well, when you say that, it makes me feel sad." or even "When you say that, it makes me feel angry" or "stupid" or "embarrassed" or even something like "aggravated"Hope this helps? Good luck! I'm no expert, but I can try.
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A
male
reader, garcypher +, writes (29 May 2009):
He is taking the micky out of you. As hard as it is send him packing. He is only after living a single life, with you as the core of his security: someone he can come home to and use when the feeling suits. I know I've done the same to a lovely girl I was with for fifteen years and who I have a son with. I was eaten up with guilt and grief when she died of a brain tumour years after we split. It changed me and I'm happily married now. Since she died I never cheated or disrespected anyone. I know for a fact that life is too short to live in someones shadow. He needs to be cut free wether he likes it or not.
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