A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im finding it very hard moving on from a relationship weve spilt up 6 wks ago and were together a year. ive got a daughter and he had a son. so the rountine was basically this,pretty much moved in with me as he had a job in my town as he lived half hour away. so when at mine i did his tea, his sandwiches for lunch, his washing, found his job!!! and while all this time at my house it was saving him petrol, and gas electrical and food at his house! then every friday to sunday he would have his son and then go back to his house, but it was like he didnt really want me there and he wouldnt hardly be in contact with me most of the weekend it was like i was forgotten, i would always suggest that i went over there he never asked me!! and when i was there i basically felt left out, i even had to sit in the back of the car as his child was in the front!! if i did go there i would give him petrol money to come and pick me up or i would go on the train cos he was skint!!!! it was unfair co i was sharing all my life with him and my daughter but no the other way round!! i would asked my parents to babysit so we could have time together but he would never do that for me! in a whole year we didnt have one day on a weekend to ourselves, i felt i couldnt ask as he told me that is his time with his son and there wasnt anything gonna change that!! never had a lie in, go shopping , a day out, just normal couple things etc!! with all this going on he also told me he doesn't belive in marriage or he wants anymore children or hes never ever gonna move house even though he spent his time living at mine!!! so ive ended it ,i was so unhappy and it was making me ill . when i ended it he just said things take time to grow, but i said youve got to want the same things in life, he also said that he wouldnt want to move in with someone for years!! but after 2 weeks i find out he is on a dating website saying hes looking for a descent girl??? im sorry i was a descent girl so that really hurts!!! . so why do i spend my time thinking what hes upto and missing him ? the only thing that saddens me is that we really did have a laugh together and i thought he truely got me. im finding it hard to believe that someone is gonna want the same things which is to just settle down and have a family!! im feeling very negative about life after it just seem with my relationships i do all the giving and loving but not getting much back in return? please help.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 September 2011):
The title of your post reads: "I do all the loving and giving but don't get much back in return"
That is the answer you are looking for. If you do lots of giving, often the other person in the relationship feel like they don't need to. So they don't, and it proves to be true because you don't make an issue of it, you just give give give, so they feel ok to take take take. It is a system that works for you both, until you realise that it doesn't actually work for you, a year down the line. When you try and change things then, it is too late, because the relationship pattern is already established.
It is good to give in relationships. If you do, and you notice early on that your partner doesn't give in the same way, create an opportunity for them to do some giving by stopping yourself from doing all the giving. Let them meet you half way. If they don't, immidiately take steps to have a conversation about it, not a blaming conversation, but just so let them know how you think things should work, and to see how they think things should work. If you reach an agreement of how you think the giving and taking should work, then see how their actions are. If they match what they say, your relationships will be more of what you want. If their actions don't match what they agree to, bring it up and talk about how that affects your sense of trust and fairness in the relationship. If they still don't after that, dump them and find someone who wants to give in the same way as you do.
It is important to create opportunities for your partner to give to you, and not just for you to give all the time. If you do all the giving, you will create relationships where the other person does all of the taking.
It is normal that you feel sad about this relationship passing. Take your time to get over it. Realising that he wasn't giving you the relationship that you need can help, but it will take time too, it is natural.
A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 Sorry to be the bearer or bad news but you have allowed this guy to use you. You are treated the way you want to be by people. No one forces you.
Have a look at the things you were doing and what he was doing in return.
Let this experience be a lesson. Give as much as you get. If you give more and dont get anything back, Stop giving.
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