A
male
age
30-35,
*Zhzi
writes:I am a biochemistry student with effectively no free time. Every day is goes 7am to 1am that night. School, lab, more school, gym, school, etc. I work so hard because I deeply want to be a scientist and do research...which requires near perfect grades.My exgirlfriend has a whole host of issues: anxiety, episodes of sever depression, fear of being alone, etc.We broke up because I could deal with the stress of dealing with all of the psychiatric demons she was fighting, i.e., I couldn't get high enough grades, jeopardizing my dream of being a scientist; I need to maintain a 4.0.I loved her, there is no doubting that, but we fought all of the time and things just were not working out.So, she dated for a bit after we broke up (about a year ago), but she is very sensitive and eventually got her heart jumped on a few times by some really nasty jerks...I have held her so many times as she sobbed and sobbed. We tried to be friends after, you know how that always goes...rocky, but I was usually there when she needed someone to lean on.She can be stressful to deal with, so her friends tend to be few. She does have a heart of gold, but her problems are so dark and consuming it is hard for her to see the rest of the world sometimes. I know her well enough to know that, many people don't though, which causes tension as they think she's just self-consumed.I recently helped her pick out a pet, as she is especially alone as most of her friends are on college, summer vacation. She is usually feeling lonely, now much more so; the pet is, obviously, to keep her company.I just cry and cry when I think of her being so alone like that. It makes me so deeply upset, even to the point of feeling physically ill, when I think of her alone in her room with just her new furry pet to keep her company. She has some friends, of course, and they go out clubbing or whatever, but no one she can really talk to...that's always been me.The thing is, I am in a new relationship with a girl I really love. I still feel something for my ex, but it's not love. I just feel a deep desire to care and look after her, but I can't do that to my current girlfriend. While my current girlfriend is very understanding, says she understands all of the time, I don't like telling her that I have to hangout with my ex because she's sad and lonely. I know it bothers her, even if she will deny until she's blue in the face (seems very human to me...). So, I told my ex I couldn't be there for her anymore...and it tore me up inside. Things were more complicated by my ex's admission that she still has feelings for me (I just think that's because she is lonely, but it is what it is).She seemed upset and feels like now she's even more alone...I really want to be a scientist and I really want to have a long, happy relationship with my current GF (I love her so much). Did I do the right thing?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2013):
 If you really want to be a scientist , and you really want to have a long happy relationship with the current Gf, yes, no doubt about it- you had no other choice.
The current Gf has been very understanding- too understanding for her own good- what's there to understand ? Your ex is an EX, and by choosing to make her an ex you have explicitely and implicitely accepted to change the nature of your relationship, and to care about her no more than you'd care about any other friend, or better ACQUAINTANCE. You are not her shrink, her warden, her protector, her father, you are not responsible in any way form or shape for her happiness and well being.
Well, of course , being a nice guy , you feel compassion for her even if technically you don't HAVE to. Dunno... that's a bit suspicious. You cry and cry every day over your ex' s lonelisses and plights ?! Your current Gf is really TOO nice and naive, I'd be upset if I were her.
I don't want to sound like a total bitch, it's normal that you feel compassion for people in pain, it's normal that you don't like to see a young girl devoured by her demons, - I don't like the sound of it either and I don't even know the girl. But sufference is part of our human experience, are you really so nice that you cry over all the people who 'd deserve your tears. If we want to cry, there's a lot to cry about in this world, - victims of wars, famine, cancer, slavery,child abuse, torture , natural catastrophes , take your pick. Do we cry over all of them ? No,- because we just cry for the people we love, the people that matter to us.
It sounds to me that the wellbeig of your EX matters to you in a way that's not right and not healthy for someone who is officially in another relationship. You don't cry for her because she is so lonely and unlucky, you cry because you are still hung up on her , all your ( inappropriate ) offers of constant support were basically a way to hang in there , to stay connected.
Which, was not healthy for either of you. For her, because she will have somehow, to deal with her demons in some more constructive and effective way that just snivelling over the shoulder of an ex boyfriend. You, because you have your life to live, your goals to reach, and your new relationship to nurture.
So, yes, no doubt in my mind that you did well in cutting the apron strings- no need to turn into a monster of selfishness, and, in exceptional cases where your help is really needed , you could stil help- but not as a habit , as a given. Life goes on, and she, lonely or not, has to learn to sink or swim without you. And viceversa.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): You did the right thing! It's mean on your girlfriend to have to put up with your pathetic ex leaning on you the whole time.CContinue to stop hanging out with that leech of an ex
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