A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Basically ive been close friends with a women(im female)for a couple of decades!.We would always tell each other our daily news and regulary meet up every few days. But within the past year she got a new boyfriend and all of a sudden become distant,didnt invite me to see her,and began insulting me(then saying shes joking)not long after she had a close family member pass away and that hit her very hard,i was always there offering to help with watever she needed,and basically at her beck and call 24/7. and our friendship returned to normal for a litle while, she would go through stages of contacting me and making time for me to ignoring me..i put this down to her grieving and her spending all her time with her boyfriend so i gave her space when she needed it,but i find when i give her space she acts like i dont care about her.and becomes really distant which is wrong....i have spoken to her so many times about this but she either says im imagining things or totally avoids anything im saying....lately she hardly contacts me arranges to meet me occasionaly,then every time lets me down at the last minute. and never reschedules and laughs when she does itwhen we do meet up now its always when suits her fit me in while shes cleaning house,having hair done,or quick cuppa.no quality time,also the insults have increased. there have been times where i have needed her but she always says she is to busy for me, i then hear she has been out with other friends or her boyfriend,and i often hear her invite several people round to her house....so basically what i am saying is i feel a bit used,and also guilty as though i shouldnt be allowed to have feelings as she is the one grieving,but while im not with her she makes out she is having so much fun.she never gives me the impression she wants to see me,or hear from me just acts not bothered or even cares. its driving me mad we were sooo close,see each other all the time,but i get the feeling she is so used to me just being there for her and taken advantage of that,and feels she doesnt have to make any effort,she doesnt listen when i talk to her so no point doing that, i dont want to lose her friendship but i dont also know wether to just back of or walk away,as im finding myself feeling neglected and losing intrest now too or making 100%effort.should i give up or just put it down to her grieving,as she was already behaving like this before her lose when she got with her boyfriend and she swore she was never like that friends come 1st was her motto obviously that wasnt true.Its so hard to know what to do if i back off or try everything seems wrong,write now typing this im already thinking she is prob angry with me as i didnt contact her today.......when i get nothing in return.sorry for long post but i have no 1 to ask as she was my closest friend Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx too you both for ur reply,i was shocked when i read it as it was exactly wat i was thinking but sort of needed confirmation. ur right thou this past year iv felt like i have been grieving too 4 the old friendship,it makes me feel physically sick/stressed and occasionaly sleepless nites, but if she truly cared she would try,it seems all my friends turn out this way and move on and forget me...right now she makes me feel she is doing me a big favour even calling me..i know i have to get a backbone but i find it hard treating people like that and always give in,she knows ive been backing off,and she knows how i feel but then just ignores it and makes out its me acting odd and im too busy for her. she has used every excuse in the book to not see me and i told her she has a very bad memory,because before she wanted my company all the time now thinks i should just be ok with her scraps of time, i just think its rude,she knows im free even when she is not with her boyfriend we still never meet.i think she just replaces people to suit herself.
Ive started to feel bitter and i hate feling that way i cant contentrate on nothing,when she is nice she is nice but im beggining to feel thats al fake.
Also i was thinking about her having jealouly issue i think that might be right as she puts me down of the way i look etc,saying shes prettier,for gods sake were adults, i ever respond or rise to them jibes but sometimes i really want to and tell her some home truths...i could see all this happen well in advance and told her what i felt so we could work things out but all she did was try for 1day and revert back to how she was behaving.
Its so hard ive put so much into this friendship and feel shes just tossed it away, she always says she never wants to lose my friendship but is it fair keeping me hanging in the backgound for when she needs me?
A
female
reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Unfortunately, some people change when they get a love interest. Put some distance between you two and get some new friends. Relish the good times you had together but don't continue to associate with her, blowing your self esteem and basically ruining what you once had. Maybe in the future after the newness has worn off her relationship, she might want to hook back up like the good old times, maybe not. If you are still interested then go for it at YOUR convenience. I wouldn't wait around. Go take a fun class and get to know some more people.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Friendships should lift you up and make you feel energized. If they are draining you and giving you head games, it is not the type of friendship you should keep hanging on to. Sometimes we outgrow our friends. Your friend sounds very self-centered I also suspect she has some jealousy issues about you, that you have probably never known about. Her insults are her way of acting them out. You may have known her forever, but I think you need to stop being available to her. When she calls for those quick, "fits into her schedule" moments, simply tell her it's a bad time for her and offer to call her another time and then don't. It's time for you to find other friends. Don't make excuses for her behavior, you've done that for far too long.
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