A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Just found out my 12 year old daughter is not mine, I was divorced recently and an old friend of my ex wife told me when she had a few drinks . I confronted my ex she said it was rubbish but it has been playing on my mind for months. I discreetly got DNA and the result shows I am not her biological father. I am stunned and do not know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): From one who has been there. She was 15th when I found out 3 years ago. So, this is from the heart and with deep experience. You are and will forever be her Dad. Nothing else need to be said. She oaught not be harm by her Mother's deceit or your deep pain - ever!. She is forever, your ex is just that, ex. Pray, deal with your hurt and continue to love your precious daughter. She was a gift from GOD - not your ex. She needed you to be in her life - trust me. Don't mix your disgust and deep hurt, with the beautiful love you and your daughter always had and always will have. You are one of the few special and strong men. Your Daughter is lucky to have you. lastly, she is worth, 1000x the mother. Cherish her.
A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (16 July 2007):
 Wow. I'm really feel for you here hunni.
Your daughter is still your daughter. You have raised her for 12 years and she sees you as her daddy yes?! I agree with eyeswideopen- any male can be a father but it takes someone very special to be a daddy.
I can understand this is cutting you up but think long and hard before going public with it as it could open a can of worms between you and your little girl. She should know the truth one day, but is she mature enough to find out now? It wont be easy, for either of you but I am sure once the shock and hurt fades things will not change. She will still love you as daddy and you'll love her as your little girl :)
My thoughts are with you hunni.
xxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (16 July 2007):
 If you love your daughter (and yes, she's your daughter in every way that counts) do nothing. Many years later when she finds out (and she will) you can tell her truthfully that you're her daddy and you love her and nothing has changed. She'll need you then, just like she needs you now. Don't change anything in the way you treat her. Don't break her heart now just because your heart is breaking; anything you do to get back at your ex will only hurt an innocent little girl who loves you. You're the only daddy she's ever known.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): No one likes to discover that someone they invested their love, time, energy, devotion, commitment, trust in has deceived them for many years. It would make one burn with humiliation and hurt beyond all belief.
I feel for you. This is most unfortunate and there is an innocent who is caught in this web of deceit. I feel for her as well.
Two loving, beautiful people stand to be forever shattered by this blatant and in-excuseable act of dishonesty.
I think you are valid in feeling what you feel but do not let this overshadow your love and joy in this innocent and lovely 12 year old girl. To her you are her Hero, her Knight in shining armour, you are her Father. Such an honorable title. Father.
Love her and be there for her and when your heart tells you, you have healed enough to be strong for her and be there for her and mourn with her as she deals with the truth-you will still be a loving Father in whom she can trust and rely.
Forgiveness in due time will bring you peace and comfort. Hold to beauty and the gift of being.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (11 July 2007):
 How horrific for you. But hear these words and believe them - it takes any man to be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy.
You love her don't you? then love her and be her dad. The rest is just biology.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (11 July 2007):
 Hey babe, first off, you have raised this child as your own, for the past 12 years, even though you have now found out you arnt the biological father, you should still be able to love this child. What your wife has done, is unforgivable, however you need to tell her you know, and talk about maybe telling the child, as she may wish to know who her biological father is. But the main person who would be most hurt is your daughter. I cant imagine what you are going through but please dont forget how the child will feel. Good luck, Mail me if you would like to talk x x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): This was your wife's betrayal so make sure you don't take it out on the daughter. Even if she isn't your biological daughter just remember that you have been her father over her tweleve years. You should do your very best to still be her father from now on, as she shouldn't have to suffer because of all of this.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Ouch.
Firstly, calm down and BREATH. The worst thing that could happen is for you to lose control and say something that could hurt your step-daughter, who is an innocent in the middle of this.
Do not say one word about it yet. GO see a lawyer and find out what the law requires of your for your area. Some cases you might be able to walk away, most cases you will still be financially liable for her, as the law tends to consider what is best for the child.
You will have to weigh the options. It may be better for you to stay (financially). Different lawyers will tell you different things. Some will say to stay for the kid, others will tell you to get the hell out of there, and still others will want you to get more evidence and maybe even sue for a new interpretation of emotional abuse/misrepresenatation...moeny-money-money. Find one that wants to pursue what feels right to you.
You must come to terms with what is it you want. Do you want to cut ties to this child, and try to start a new family, or just conserve your time and resource for your new potential partners?
Do you still want to raise her as your own?
Do you want to even not bother telling her until she is old enough to know the truth?
Are there any medical reasons that you would need to tell your step-daughter?
Do you know who is the father? If so, see if you can get a DNA test to prove it. At least you can have that.
The decisions you make in the next few days will change your life one way or the other.
If it was me, I would see a lawyer, and then be honest will everyone involved. But I am prepared to deal with those consequences at this point in my life. You have to see that for yourself.
In my work, I come across this alot. The stats say that 30% of the people out there are being raised by a man they think is their father. You are not alone.
This is why I instruct all men at my seminars to have DNA tests upon the birth of their children...just to be sure.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (10 July 2007):
 You have raised her for 12 whole years, that counts for something.stay in touch, dont leave her, she needs yougood luk hannah :)
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Big Question:
DOES IT MATTER? Think long and hard about if this means you will leave the 12 year old or not. If this changes how you see your family, and it means you want to "disown" her, then that's one thing. But, if you still feel like her father and don't feel that it changes how you feel about your relationship with her, then that's a whole different thing.
If it doesn't matter, I wouldn't reveal anything to the kid -- at least not at this time. Wait till things have settled a bit, and she's older.
If it does matter, then you need to think about what you will do to this girl if you leave her.
As far as your ex goes, I can't say if you should confront her with the DNA evidence. I would probably say yes, but then again, you're already divorced and what's done is done.
I hope for yours and your daughter's sake, you find that it doesn't change how you feel about her.
In the meantime, I highly suggest you go to a professional counselor to help you sort out how you really feel. They can be very helpful in these kinds of matters.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Wow! Sorry for the news.
But you may not be her biological facter but your still her dad arent you?
Shes loves you i bet and youve been around all along , so your still her true dad no matter what any test says.
Dont leave 'cus of this as your daughter doesnt deserve it as she had no play in this. Stick around and still be her dad but you may have to talk to your ex wife to sort out her lies and come to an agreement.
Remember like eyeswideopen said all can be fathers but not everyone can be a dad and your one
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (10 July 2007):
 You have been her father now for the past twelve years, and i can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now you must be devestated.
Ok so you are not her biological father but you are still the one that has been there for her.
Do you feel any differently about her at the moment?
Your daughter will need to be told at some point but if you can cope with it, maybe it should be left for a couple of years.
My mum found out when she was fifteen that her dad was not her biological dad, and she told me that it made no difference to her what so ever because the man that had been there all her life she considered as her dad and would never see it any other way.
Sorry i have not been much help but only you know how you feel and only you can decide what to do about it.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Holy Cow! I guess because the daughter sees you as her father she would be utterly crushed if the truth came out. The savings in child support certainly wouldn't out weigh her feelings. Remember: ANY male can father a child but not EVERY male can be a Daddy.
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