A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I left my very abusive husband 2009 while I was three months pregnant. I had been living in a safe house to escape his verbal abuse which was making me ill to the point of not being able to eat. I had lost so much weight I couldn't stand up at one point. I decided to leave his country (US). I now live in the UK. I have our little girl who is now 9mths old. He didn't know I was pregnant and he doesn't know I have his little girl. I never want to see him again because of his abuse. This man has contacts and would make my life and my daughters life a living hell if he found out I'd kept this information away from him more so than the fact he has a daughter. I feel guilty keeping this from him while at the same time feel I'm doing the right thing for our health and safety and well being. My question is am I doing the right thing keeping this to myself. I'm concerned I'm going to make more trouble for myself if this information get's to him some day. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I just wanted to add one more point. Was you daughter born in the UK or the US? If your ex-husband finds out that you have a child with him, he has the right to start legal proceedings for custody. If your baby was born in the US, you will have to go back there for the court proceedings, as under the Hague Convention the Family Court proceedings have to be convened in the country of the child's birth. However, if you're child was born in the UK, you can stay where you are for legal proceedings.
Another valid point you must be aware of, if you have any history of Mental Illness, this will go against you with Child Protection Services (CPS). They may offer you all the help in the world, but it goes against you if CPS decide to make an issue out of it and find that you are 'just not coping' based on what your ex-husband may tell the authorities. He could make up a lot of bad things about you that you would have to 'prove' are not true. Remember, father's have rights to and the authorities will take that stance with you, even if they insist that he must be supervised during his access visits.
I have also found that single mother's tend to be targeted by the new system. The new mantra for CPS is "Keeping Kids Safe". I am pretty sure you would have that system in place in the UK, as this is what Australia's CPS have based their recommendations upon.
I think the safest option is to remain hidden where you are and protect what you have - your precious baby and your life. You will be free to enjoy your future with your daughter and hopefully find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you DESERVE.
I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself and protect your daughter. x
A
female
reader, svf +, writes (7 February 2011):
PLEASE be very careful here!!I am the organiser of a campaign to change the legislation of the Child Protection Act in NSW, Australia, and believe me, we have modelled our Child Protection Services on that of the UK's. The highest 'Risk of Harm Report' Child Protection Services can receive are those for Domestic Violence...Please believe me, I had my beautiful daughter removed from my care in 2007 because of domestic violence experienced by my then boyfriend (an 8 month relationship in 2006). I had been a single mother for 4 years (I was dumped by my daughter's father when I told him I was pregnant). Though he saw my daughter every fortnight, then weekly, I did it very hard.When she was 3 I started a relationship with a man who turned out to be an abusive violent criminal and started physically harming me the more I tried to get him to leave. I rang the police 12 times asking for help (which resulted in Risk of Harm reports - I basically contributed to my OWN case against me in having my child removed).After 8 months of escalating abuse, the police entered my flat to find him on top of me trying to choke me with my head in a backward headlock, this was the SECOND breach of the AVO I had put against him. (He breached it 2 months before that also). He was jailed for 2 weeks, but when he was released from jail, the Dept. of Community Services knocked on my door and removed my beautiful little girl (then 4 years old) and put her into the full time care of her father...It took me 3 years and 6 court cases to finally get susbstantial access with my daughter (my daughter's father is a very controlling man and we had a long and nasty court battle for custody). Though her father was not the perpertrator of the violence, he is still and always has been a control freak. Now, in February 2011, I finally have roughly half time shared care of my daughter (who is nearly 8) but still do not have parental responsibility of her.This is heartbraking, as legally I am now only her 'birth mother' so cannot sign school forms, or take her to the doctor, etc, without his APPROVAL. Do you think my bitter ex (her father) is going to approve anything? No. He is totally out for revenge because of all the money he has had to spend on legal costs due to all of the court cases we have gone through over the past 4 years.This will mean another hearing (my 7th in 4 years) to try to get it to the Family Court, to try and get parental responsibility re-allocated and a routine with my access to her as he keeps changing the day's and times.All of this pain for my daughter and myself - and for some low-life I haven't seen in 4 years. In the time that my daughter has been away from me, she has been sexually abused, is traumatised and has been in counselling with the school since she was 5 years old. I have since been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.I forgot to mention that my ex-boyfriend continued to breach the AVO a further 3 times (resulting in 5 breaches to the AVO I had put in place in 2006). I DID THE RIGHT THING in contacting the police for help with an abusive ex and all I got was abused by the system/DoCS when they removed my precious little girl. I was LUCKY when I finally got a fair judge who actually read my paperwork last year (my 6th hearing) who declared that my daughter should have substantial access to me, her birth mother, as she was not removed due to my 'parenting' but because of domestic violence experienced by my ex-boyfriend and whom I had not seen in 3 years.Do you really want to go through all the dramas, have to ring the police if your ex-husband decides to get nasty and then have Child Protection Services on your doorstop when you have done nothing wrong and have only tried to protect your beautiful baby girl?Please do not tell him about your daughter, as he will make your life a living hell, and the penalty for domestic violence/abuse is very high. Think very hard about how you would feel if you were to be put into my position. I wouldn't wish this pain on any loving parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): I really believe your daughter will understand why you did what you did. I would make sure in every way possible that this man cannot find you. Any man that continues to verbally abuse a woman, seeing before his eyes how she becomes frail physically because of it is not worthy of your daughter. When you deem your daughter old enough to hear the truth and be able to process it, with you, then tell her. In the meantime live your life and restore the years you lost. You deserve some peace and I respect your courage and dignity. If you have changed your name and identity this will help. It is entirely possible I would have thought to gain additional protection (possibly even legal) for yourself here in the UK for your own safety and precaution. Speak to Womens Aid and explain your situation. They are fantastic.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 You are doing what a mother would do. You are keeping your daughter out of harm's way and keeping her happy. Yes this is the right thing to do. Take precautions from here so he cannot reach you so easily. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Normally, I would say the man has a right to know he has a child, but By the sound of it, you are doing the only thing you can do, given the circumstances, you have to keep you and your daughter safe.
How do you think he will find out, do you have contact with his family or friends? Does he know where you are?
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Oh dear, this is a messy situation. First of all, well done for getting yourself out, it must have been very traumatic for you.
You say he has contacts that could make your life a misery, does he even know where you live in the UK now? Because if not, it'll be much harder for him to find you. If you are seriously worried about the safety of yourself and your daughter, then maybe it's best not to contact him again to tell him, but i can see why you feel guilty, he has fathers rights, but placed in the wrong hands, the consequences could be horrendous. He could claim that you're an unfit mother, and fight for custody dragging you through a long battle.
Maybe seek advice from a solicitor here in the UK as to what could potentially happen. You may have an added advantage as he was abusive towards you. If you really don't want the hassle, then just continue to live your life for you and your daughter, and give her the best upbringing you can. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, iloveyou2 +, writes (6 February 2011):
 yes what your doing is for both your wellbeing and also your daughters. from what you have described he deserves no right to your daughter and i hope anyone who knows about her has the sense not to tell him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): You can not live your life in fear. I would try and get whatever advice and support you can that will keep you safe. You want no more to do with this man, nor should you have to. In the circumstances I would try to keep this private for now. Unless he comes over to the UK, you should be able to rest easy. You need to get advice on restraining orders etc should he try to contact you. Do not feel guilty about depriving an abusive man, who has terrorised you, from knowing about your daughter.
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