A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OMG, my situation is so difficult until I'm really ashamed of my immoral behavior. I've been in a relationship for almost two years. I would have let him go a long time ago, but he possess so many good characteristics I feel that I would really regret not staying with him. Here's my story.He's a real gentleman, (cooks, cleans run's my bath water, you name it), but he has these sexual fantasties that I'm just not comfortable with. Believe me, at first I thought it was cool and fun to indulge into threesome, and several times I've even did it. I've even went to some swingers clubs, but I've had enough and he hasn't. He continues to chat online pretending to be me and pickup women to be our play partners, he's driving me crazy with this obsession. I feel bad because I allowed myself to get in this type of relationship just to please his desires. At first I wanted to marry him, but now that idea is far-fetched. I believe that he honestly loves me, but soon as he gets in from work he's running to the computer and he's there until 2am and 3am in the morning, and the weekends he's non-stop. When I confront him about it, his response is "You know you like it just as much as I do" and that's not true. I feel like I have helped create this monster. When I tell hime that I serious, he will stop for a little but starts right back up. It has affected our sex life, when we are intimate he gets off by talking about the other woman making love to me, and that's a big turn off to me. I tell him, "if I wanted to be with a woman I would get one, but I love you and only want to be with you" and then he is turned off, and we proceed to get on our side of the bed with our backs facing each other and going to sleep. It's a problem that I can't handle, but yet neither one of us want to terminate the relationship. What should I do?
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I love you, sex life, swinging, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): You might try leaving for a week or two to sort out your thoughts. He might miss you and realize what he may be in store for if he does not change. good luck
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 April 2008):
 What you did is a wonderful thing. You took someone from not having too having. Being part of this site for a while, there are quite a few people who have given advice and have changed the direction of someone else, saved a relationship, helped someone get out of being abused, without asking for anything in return.
If it's leaving you choose too do, you have to make your mind up. Just understand you have the knowledge to change direction as you did with him. That's a great asset. Or you can stay with him, with the jealousy and all though you changed his life, only staying for receiving and not really being happy there.
You did it once. Can you start a business for yourself, that's yours, and your 2007. But keeping hold of your dignity, integrity, and being happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm afraid because, when I met him he had nothing, I helped him start his a lucrative business from scratch, I taught him everything. All that comes to my mind is that, some other woman is going to enjoy the benefits that I was trying to secure for my own future being with him. I guess that's the selfish side of me and it also shows that I'm jealous, but it's hard to let that go because I worked so hard. I regret showing him a better way of life. Where he didn't even have a car, now he's driving a 2007, I hate the thought of him riding with anybody else besides me in it. How do I move on, knowing that if it wasn't for me he would not be where he is today.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Don't do anything that you don't want to do and don't do anything that you are not comfortable with. You must draw the line somewhere...Stand up be strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): The hardest thing in the world is to be honest with yourself. I think you are starting to. Why think so little of yourself to degrade yourself in this way? You know the answer is to get out of this relationship and quick. Spend some time reflecting on what has happened and how you got there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): think you have cause for concern. Sometimes the problem with charming people like your gentlemanly bf, is they know how to manipulate and actively recruit others, into their world of erotic fantasy and sexual fixations...in a very slick way. He's frenetic and focused on this,--almost obssessively so. You have told him no ...you have grown tired of this. In my books, NO means NO. He is not respecting your request to stop this. That is very troubling.
Your resistance and your inner intuition is kicking in, because you are now realizing your bf is using you as bait to accomodate 'his' compulsions and fixations. You need to move on from this man. and quickly, before he drags you down further under his rock. Sorry to put it that way, but he's not respecting you...you are being used and that must hurt like hell. Be strong and end this..and never allow any man to ever treat you like 'common goods' again.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 April 2008):
I think this would affect your sex life, and it seems really disrespectful being together with someone.
I can't believe he talks about these other women when having sex. That's almost as bad as discussing when mother is coming to visit. Something that's just not done while having sex.
In most everything we experience in life from relationships to work we have a certain amount of boundaries we set. The companies set them as well, such as it's not proper to bring your boyfriend to work and have sex on the bosses desk. I guess that would depend on what sort of work you do, and if the boss was the boyfriend.
In relationships as well, we set boundaries. I set of personal rules by which we determine how to treat our partner and how we are willing to accept being treated.
You've already trained him and established comfort with the set of boundaries you are now living. You need to reestablish your boundaries. It seems as if he's not listening to how you feel, and is making excuses for you feeling that way. You need to get him to understand that your feelings are important at least to you, and that he needs to understand you are serious about this and that these behaviors are putting a strain on your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2008):
 I think you know what you need to do. A man can be really good at making creme brulee and understand the difference between sweating the onions and caramelizing them, but at the end of the day, you both get into the same bed. And then what?
He can make sure the temperature of the bath is just right, and the bubble bath has fluffed up just so, but again, after you're out of the bath and heading to bed, there you both are again.
You don't want to do this anymore, you've told him but he insists that you do. I really don't like the idea that he's been impersonating you in this quest for more sex partners; that is just not good. And the hours he spends looking for them, not good...
Again, I go back to what you know you need to do. What are you afraid of here? Just end the relationship; he's not going to change and you're not going to change either. I don't see the future payoff for either of you, I'm sorry.
All the best.
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