A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm hoping someone can give me some advice.18 months ago I started seeing this guy, it wasn't meant to be anything serious, we only saw each other once every couple of weeks. However, after about 6-8 months I started to fall in love with him. My friends warned me at the time that girls can't have casual relationships without becoming emotionally attached/involved. Then about 10 months in I found out from one of his friends that he had a girlfriend (well he had let it slip as he had presumed that I knew and he was telling me that the guy i was seeinging was thinking of leaving his girlfriend for me). So obviously after I found this out I asked this guy what was going on and he said that it was over between them two and I chose to believe him, as I guess if I'm being honest, I didn't want to stop seeing him. So I carried on seeing him and my feelings for him grew stronger and stronger, we even went on holiday together, twice in the last few months. Then a few days ago we met up and he told me that he never stopped seeing her and that he loved her. He said he couldn't see me anymore and that they have just bought a house together and he is planning on asking her to marry him. I feel really depressed because despite all this I still love him and can't stop thinking about him. I am jealous over this other girl and I don't know what to do. My friends think I should tell this girl what has been going on but I doubt she would believe me and I wouldn't know what to say. It turns out he has been with her for the last 6 years and they got together when they were 16. I'm also angry that he would treat me like this, aparently within his circle of friends I'm known as 'the other woman' which makes me feel awful and dirty. I can't help but think of ways to get my own back and I feel like I'm losing the plot.Please help, thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Being a woman that is older, I would like to give you some advice for future relationships. If you find out that your man is cheating, DO NOT CALL THE OTHER WOMAN! The problem is with this jackass not her. This only causes problems between the two women, while this fool is sitting pretty enjoying the fact that he has two women fighting over him. The only true solution to this problem is to let him go. Let him be her headache not yours.
Next, make sure if you are casually seeing someone, then that's what that is. If all you are going to do is sleep with a guy, then just have sex and leave. Don't conversate, don't sleep over. Only text or call when it's for sex and that's it. If you start to have the type of conversations and do things that people in a relationship do, then you are going to develop feelings. If you are going to have that type of casual situation, then that's the best way to handle it.
The next time you get involved with someone either casually or on a serious relationship level, be clear on what exactly you want. If you only want to be friends with a guy, then let that be that. If you want a more serious relationship, be clear that it's what the both of you want. Please be VERY SURE of what you want and need from a man. I know that you don't want to be another painful situation that you are in now. Chin up. Almost every woman on the planet have been in this type of situation at one point in their lives. I know I have. I got over it and so will you. Be strong, stay positive, start dating and forget this asshole. You deserve so much better. Best of luck to you
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 October 2009):
 I feel so much empathy for you right now. This is terrible. He lied to you, and deceived you. And you fell in love with a man who, by all accounts, had virtually no real or legitimate emotional attachments to you.You wrote:"I feel really depressed because despite all this I still love him and can't stop thinking about him. I am jealous over this other girl and I don't know what to do".Please do not feel jealous of his girlfriend! She's not responsible for this. He is. And he's the bad guy in this matter. He cheated on his girlfriend and he used you. What does this tell us about his character? He's a deceptive, lying bastard. That's what. He's dishonest. And he abused your trust and confidence in him. Moreover, you stated that this started as a casual affair. Therefore, there was no expectation of committment there. No future at the beginning. So somewhere along the way you invested far more emotional energy into this man than he deserved. You also wrote:"I'm also angry that he would treat me like this, aparently within his circle of friends I'm known as 'the other woman' which makes me feel awful and dirty. I can't help but think of ways to get my own back and I feel like I'm losing the plot."Please, please stop hurting over this! Being the "other woman" in an affair is usually a matter of personal choice, that is agreeing to take 2nd place. Here, he lied to you and his friends have no clue that he did this. Even if you told his girlfriend and his friends you had no idea he was attached to his girlfriend, no one will believe you.Worse, his girlfriend will defend HIM and hate YOU, and accuse you of being the "home wrecker". He, on the other hand, will get off scott-free.Because she hadn't married him yet, she'll forgive him and keep him on a short leash, as she's qeued in on his behavior.He's going to suffer her rage and wrath, but it won't be because of you. The Solution:Please forget about him. You need to learn to ignore these feelings and move on. In the end, you meant very little to him. So little, in fact, that he's all but abandoned you.You need to focus on healing your broken heart and eventually finding a man who will devote himself to you intellectually, emotionally and sexually; and who will not leave you for someone else. And part of that requires efforts on your part to set limits on your relationships.If you want to become attached, then don't treat your love affairs as casual. Casual sex is good for satisfying some needs, but long-term they are not healthy.Mutual using and mutual emotional seduction are fine for short-term needs. But if you crave and require long-term emotional commitments then find a man who is relationship-worthy.There are many men in this world who would be so happy and grateful to have a woman who is attached to them, and will adore them. The man you were seeing is already attached to a woman who was "there first". You need to be a woman who was "there first" and, who will not be cheated on. Its not a very tall order. Trust me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Thanks for the replies, I feel better already :)
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (17 October 2009):
 I am really sorry that this has happened to you. Firstly you are not awful or dirty in any way - you have just been used. You may have loved him but the person you loved wasn't the real man. The real man uses two women and thinks only of his own needs. He has behaved terribly to you and the other lady and you need to turn this around in your head and see that in effect you have had a very lucky escape. This man will go on to cheat on this woman. He is really no real loss because he obviously has no respect for women. Don't worry about being referred to as the 'other woman' it is just a name and means nothing. The people know nothing about you as a person it is merely a word. Having had the experience when I was about your age of calling the other woman and telling her what had been going on - I wouldn't advise it. It will make you look mean and possible vengeful and I would just let it go. They have made their bed so they can lie on it. She will find out without your intervention what kind of cheating scum this man is. You need to now concentrate on yourself and keep yourself fit and well as this kind of stress normally makes people ill or prone to picking up anything thats going round. Eat, go out with your friends and take time to grieve but believe me in this you are the lucky one.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (17 October 2009):
 Part of me feels this poor woman who is still with him deserves to know what a low life he is.
But then again like you say maybe she wont believe you, become weak and forgive him anyway.
Its really hard being stringed along but rememeber this guy is a total jerk. He had his cake and ate it, and probably will spend the rest of his life playing girls.
However i do believe what goes around comes round so he wont get away with his disgusting behaviour forever.
I would advise you to stay away from him, however hard it is -its the only way you can protect yourself - and secondly if you feel his mates are judging you, stop contact with them also because they are just as stupid as him.
It will take alot of time before you can move on, but try and have a close friend you can confide in when the days are tough and keep your mind active on other things such as work, sport, anything that can help to grow back your confidence.
Its really hard for you at the moment but you will overcome this and realise this guy made the best decision because he's the jerk and doesnt deserve your sweet love!
Hope this helps, & goodluck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 October 2009):
I'm really sorry that this creep used you. You aren't dirty and this isn't your fault. It's his. Never contact this guy again, don't ever go out with him, don't respond to him in any way at all. He is not worthy of you. Focus on yourself, your friends and just getting yourself together again. Give it time. It will take time. You will start to get over him, and when you're ready and your confidence is back together, you'll meet a guy who will actually want to be with you and nobody else. Give yourself time and let it heal, and forget the comments about you being the other women.
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