A
male
age
30-35,
*ver more sceptical
writes:I have no ability when scene setting to filter out information you don't need. I appologise in advance and if you didn't want to read a mini essay I understand if you turn away now! You have been warned!...What was my 2nd relationship ended after 10 months in November. Looking back, we clearly dived way too fast into the relationship, as a result she didn't have a grasp on which of my female friends are just friends, which meant she found it hard to trust me around them. A big shame as she is one of the most beautiful girls I know and I'd liked her for ages!We still spoke and met up with each other, but realised around christmas time we had to stop it as it wasn't helping anyone... which is when the break up hit me. I miss/missed her so much and didnt want to let go. There was a girl from work texting me who I didn't fancy but had kissed drunkenly about a year ago on a work night out. After my mates' "lad" advice, getting with her would help. Having never slept with a girl I wasn't in a relationship with I couldn't say they were wrong. So I went on a few dates and slept with her towards the end of January. Didn't really enjoy it as I didn't fancy her. Afterwards I still found myself missing my ex-girlfriend more, with the added guilt that I'd just used the work girl as a rebound, and didn't want anything else.There was another girl at work (just turned 20) who I've been speaking to pretty much everyday for the last few weeks. I'd missed the friendship part of the relationship so it was nice to have someone ask how your day was again etc. She's a nice girl, pretty, but her nose and slight darkish soft facial hair on her lip would put me off wanting to be in a relationship with her (as shallow as that sounds- my ex-girlfriend was practically perfect). She has told me she was feeling a bit left out when she went out with her family because all her siblings have boyfriends or girlfriends. But after a work night out last weekend which she couldn't make she asked me if there was any goss, and if I'd got with anyone. I said no course not! Then yesterday she told me about her night out she had, and this wonderful irish boy with a lip piercing she got with, like I'm her gay best friend. Soon after have been pictures of her and said boy on facebook. I felt a bit cheated on for some reason! and it made me quite upset, even though I perhaps wouldn't want a relationship from her.I kept up regular weekend visits to the pub with my friends, as I knew this would help. In my town the pubs are generally full of the same people every week. There was a girl there who took a liking to me, and told me she knew my younger brother (18); drunk, she told me she slept with him a couple of times about a year ago. Although I thought this girl was attractive, the fact she was 3 years younger and her involvement with my brother meant I knew I shouldn't get involved.I saw her in the pub following Saturday nights and she was always sure to put her arm around me and say hi, even added me on facebook. I told my brother she'd introduced herself to me. Him being more of a confident ladies man than me, seemed as if he wasn't bothered for her anymore, even jested me to "get in there". My friends, hell bent as ever at 'getting me laid', made sure last weekend she came over and flirted. After my brothers comments and my diminishing self esteem, I found it increasingly difficult to stop myself from trying to get with her. She came back to our house for a drink, and she stopped over. I was worried she was going to get too attached to me as I definitely didn't want another relationship just yet, especially with someone who had been with my brother!We woke up quite early so cuddled with some TV and I dropped her off home. I felt very happy! I wanted to make out like it was something I do regularly, so didn't give her my number.Later that day after wondering why I was thinking about her a fair bit I wish I had given it, so facebook messaged her to see how her day went and to appologise for not giving her my number. She didn't seem too bothered, indeed didn't even seem interested in her short replies to my texts. Disheartened after trying to start a conversation over texts twice, I thought the best thing is to see if she texts me first next time.Today I commented on her status, as did another guy who I know but apparently only just become friends with her... He's one of my friends' cousins, one of the biggest 'lads' I know, will literally shag anything. He's a couple of years older than me, but she didn't even acknowledge my comment, but did say to him, "You better not leave it long to text me ;)".I'm feeling upset, massively down in the dumps, and feel like these girls have kicked me further down.Thank you so so much for reading this far... I just want to know firstly why I'm feeling like this?!?! -How can I still be upset and missing my ex-girlfriend? -and why the hell is seeing these girls get with other boys hurting me so much, even though I don't think I'd want a relationship with them?And Lastly, How Do I Pick Myself Up And Start Feeling Good Again?!?!
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at work, best friend, christmas, cousin, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, girl at work, my ex, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ever more sceptical +, writes (2 March 2012):
Ever more sceptical is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so so much for taking the time to help and give your advice! It all makes sense what you said, everything! Literally don't know how to thanks you :) I'm taking everything you said on board and have logged out of facebook and stopped texting girls etc and its helping already :) even going to a different town tonight with my friends! Applied to 8 places for jobs that I actually want to do already and you're right it feels good trying to improve my own life first! :)
Once again thank you so much!! :):):):):)
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 It is always painful being rejected, even if you in your head had already rejected them! Deep down we all want to have people fancy us, and when we find out someone likes us we feel happy and it gives the self-esteem a boost. So when that person then moves on (even if we dont like them that way) and ends up with someone else, it dents our self-esteem and makes us wonder what we are missing compared to the chosen man/woman.
It is flattering to have attention from the opposite sex, so when that is taken away and directed to someone new then we feel a bit rubbish.
You only broke up with your girlfriend a couple of months ago so dont worry that you still miss her, that is perfectly normal. It can take a long time to get over an ex, and clearly you were very much in love with her so it is not going to be a quick process I'm afraid.
So what should you do now? There are a number of things you need to do:
1. Stop listening to your friends, they clearly are not helping!
2. Stop kissing/texting/getting involved with girls that are not 'quite right'. Whether it is physical attraction issue, have dated a family member issue...stop letting yourself get involved with these kinds of girls. It is making you feel worse because none of them match up to your ex, and because they will get vibes from you that you are not really into them - they will move onto other guys, leaving you feeling ever worse. So unless you think a girl is gorgeous and there are no other reasons not to date him - stay away!
3. Stop going to the same pub every week - try somewhere different! Yes it is good to get to know people, but then again things become stale, you know all the girls and there is no-one new. If none of the girls that go there are the kind you want to date, then there is no point in keeping going back all the time. Try different bars/pubs/clubs, get to know new people and widen your social circle. That will at least minimise the chances of you ending up with a girl your brother has already been with!
You just have to be patient and allow yourself time to get over your ex, it isnt going to happen overnight so it is ok to feel crap, it is ok to miss her and it is ok to be upset. Dont force yourself to be ok - it will simply take time.
Pick up new hobbies or old ones you loved but havent done for years, spend more time with friends and family, focus all your effort into school/work, work out more...there is plenty you can do to keep busy and focus on yourself. If you improve yourself and your own life, then you will feel better about life in general, and the girls side of things wont matter so much.
Once you can be happy on your own and enjoy your life as it is (female free) then you are ready to get back out there again and look for a new girlfriend. But dont rush it, it is not fair to date a new girl when you are clearly hung up on your ex. Take some time out, wait until you are fully over your ex and then think about girls again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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