A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to a man who is really my best friend, a great and selfless lover and funny... I knew he was a smart choice and has been an amazing father and devoted for many years. As kind of free thinkers we pride ourselves in trying to really see life and not be "the Jones" or to keep up with them. We met someone who needed a jumpstart in life. Over a couple of years we got to know, employed, housed and saw this young man get on his feet, become social and begin a life with a young woman. It should be a very happy story, but I fell in love with him. I can't understand why, since this sort of thing is always associated with some deficiency in the first relationship, and I can't find it. I'm haunted by the feeling that the feeling may be mutual, but I would never say anything, since I don't want it, and it would only complicate his life.I am now hurting my relationship from being unable to move on. I would talk to my husband, but this would certainly hurt him. I don't want to hurt him, but can't stop thinking. (I have not done anything "bad" and have never spoken about my feelings with this man.) I pray daily on this, though feel totally forsaken, alone, there is no one who would be able to help without it hurting them ie: parents, mutual freinds...
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male
reader, madflash +, writes (9 April 2008):
 I'm sorry you're feeling what you feel. You call it love, but love can be harmless, like the love for a friend, a child, or a pet. The more insidious and damaging feeling is lust. A need to express your so-called love physically.
Somehow, I feel you are explaining away the lust by using the feelings of love toward this individual you have become fixated upon. The excuse of love gives you a license to fantasize... to lust. And lust is a killer, breaking up marriages, ruining lives and wrecking relationships beyond repair.
Now here is my advice. If you can't stop obsessing over this person you've fallen hopelessly in love with, or if you simply don't want to, then you better do what's right and tell your husband. All hurt aside, all consequences out the window, you must tell him not only because he deserves the truth, but because you deserve his support.
That's right... I said your husbands support. I'm pretty sure he loves that person you're in love with too, only without the lustful aspects that you harbour. And, I'm certain your husband loves you too, and doesn't want to lose you. You need him to help you through this if you can't curb your obsession alone. You need his help. I don't know how that will work out for you, but both you and your husband deserve to have a fighting chance... to save your relationship. Otherwise, your obsession with this love you feel will eat you up alive, destroy your marriage and hurt everyone!
First, however, if you try, you may find you can process this obsession of yours on your own. Which means you will really have to do just that, process it, get to a place where you stop obsessing and put it behind you. I don't know what will work for you to do that, maybe saying goodbye to that other man forever using some invented controversy, and/or finding some fault in him and obsessing over that instead all that good stuff, and/or seeking a distraction EVERY time you think of him in the ways you're thinking about him. Whatever your answer to ending this obsession with a man who is not your husband it is your job to find it and end the obsession.
If you can accomplish that, say within a month or two at most, then you won't have to tell your husband at all, and you can spare him that pain.
But, if you can't end the obsession on your own, I hope and pray you have the strength to sit your husband down and spill your guts... because your marriage, and the lives of all involved will be in jeopardy.
Or, you can do what most people do, throw caution to the wind like life is some kind of romance novel and mess everybodies life up and ruin everything you've built with your husband... like I did with my wife... (I'm divorced now, and both my ex-wife and the younger woman I left her for are married to other men).
I wish I was you right now, despite the torment you're in. That way I could do it all again and maybe, this time, take my own advice.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Hi, When we marry someone, we do it with the intent of being a loving, caring, comforting and faithful person to that individual. We try very hard to keep our emotions in check. But it is a daily thing, we have to decide, even if we love someone, that we will continue to love that person. That does not mean that we will not be drawn or attracted to another human being, who we take a liking to, as they say. But the mature individual, who realizes that, if we don't maintain boundaries, then we may jeopardize everything that we have accomplished in life, with our partner, if we are married. We are not isolated, when it comes to emotions, but we must try to make the right choice, what would be best. This young man respects you and your husband, this could turn into a shipwreck, if you acted on the feelings you have. Imagine the outcome, how many people would be crushed, as you have mentioned. If I were you, I would not mention anything to my husband, this could lead to him feeling threatened around the young man, and wondering if you would ever act on your feelings. His trust in you could be affected. I would not say anything ever. Take the feelings you have for this person, and try to lock them away, find some kind of an an outlet, join an exercise class, try yoga, something to take your mind off of these thoughts. Good luck to you, remember, you have too much to lose, by acting on the feelings you have stumbled into. Leave them where they are, and try to put them in a safe place, never to be acted upon. Good luck to you always. Be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): You sound to be very proud of your relationship with your husband and thats good. This experience kind of shows though that no one is bullet proof. We all have feelings like this from time to time, and yes sometimes they are quite intense and prolonged. That doesn't not indicate in any way that maybe its right to act on them. You could talk to your husband..if you think that is right. Personally I would not hurt him like that. But in truth its highly unlikely he has never had feelings like this for someone else even during your marriage, maybe not so intense, but we all have crushes. Married doesn't mean you are only attracted to one person, it means (among other things) that you vow not to act on these feelings you may experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Your husband seems like a caring and compassionate man. I'm not sure how he would take it, I know I'd feel hurt if my wife told me this.
If you can't pinpoint the reason why you have these feelings, then maybe seek counseling.
Could it be motherly feeling?
You said a deficiency in your first relationship, your current husband is your second? Do you feel you have any deficiencies in this relationship? If so, then this may explain your interest in this young man, it is a sign of something missing, something maybe you had in your youth that you miss, or maybe something in the beginning of the current relationshp that you miss. If so, then talk with the current guy and improve on it.
Understanding the reasons helps ease the pains that your going through. You haven't done anything bad so far, and your feelings are just a warning to yourself.
I learned this about myself over the past 2 years, and it helps if you have alone time to ponder your feelings. Do so, be cautioned, can be extremely painful, but you'll get much more from this then seeing a shrink, and telling your husband of these feelings towards someone else, he may only see his life being crushed and not something deeper, personal in it.
Take care and good luck.
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