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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I took my boyfriend shopping. He is one of the rare guys who enjoys shopping with his girlfriend. He likes to help me find clothes and watches me as I try them on and always gives me his honest opinion.Yesterday we were out shopping as I was looking for a dress to wear to my sister's wedding at the end of the month.We saw two beautiful dresses and they both looked great on me. One was green and the other was black.He loved the green one and I loved the black one.He was pressuring me to get the green one. He said it was made for me. That the colour suited me and the fit was perfect.Well, I loved the black one. It also fit me. It might need a little alteration at the bust. But that is minor and I don't care. It was a little sexier than the one he liked. I actually saw the black one first and fell in love with it. Even though we went to another store and saw the green one, I still had my heart set on the black one. It was the one I really wanted. I just felt beautiful in it.Well, my boyfriend was not happy with my choice. When I tried the green dress on, he was practically in tears telling me this was the ONE I should buy and how beautiful I looked in it. His dress was more conservative than the dress I chose. But I just did not share his enthusiasm. I liked it. But at the end of the day, it should be my choice. Not his.So, I went for the black dress.I am not sure if I did the right thing. He seems a little hurt that I did not choose his dress. I almost feel as if I rejected his opinion and he was offended.Did I do the right thing? Or should I have chosen the green dress not to hurt my boyfriend's feelings?I feel bad that I rejected his choice. I did not reject HIM, just the dress.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 I have to second Cindy here, as a European who has seen weddings in several European countries too, I have to say that black is not worn at weddings. It is seen as highly inappropriate. Even full length dresses are actually not appropriate unless it's an evening event. But I will let that one slide, as I have seen it as a growing trend to have full length gowns at weddings these days. But never black, red or white.
I would at least clear it with the bride first, since you are not some guest who will sit in the back and barely be noticed. You are the sister. You will be in the front row. Clear it with your sister first, I say.
And, if it's at a church, you should cover your shoulders.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): While you are right that it's your choice, and he needs to suck it up, there is the issue that if you as him for his opinion you should take it on board.
I don't mean doing everything he says. But, if everytime you go out shopping and you don't buy what he prefers to see you in, he won't want to do it anymore. But that's a long term consideration.
If this is the first time it's happened, then he needs to get over himself. But if you have regularly been ignoring his opinion when asking what he thinks you look better in, that might go some way to explain his response. I'm not saying he's right and you're in the wrong, but I can imagine he might be feeling like you don't actually value his opinion.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 I don't know about Canada, but I strongly doubt that in Western Europe you may have seen at weddings many , or even a few, black ball gowns with an " open back " and a " plunging neckline " !
The point it's not that it is a formal, evening reception , or that black is a normal colour for ball gowns.
The point is that it is not just any New Year's Eve party , it's a wedding reception. And at the wedding, the only one that the can , if she wants, be glamorous / dramatic / glitzy / sexy etc. is the BRIDE. Everybody else is supposed, purposedly, to NOT try and share the limelight with the bride, and not to deflect attention from her, even in the wedding pictures, and to look elegant but demure. It's HER day- the guests will have other occasions to shine and to strut their stuff.
Said that, if your sister is happy, and you are happy- everybody is happy. If this is a case in which nobody ( except perhaps your bf ? ) is uncomfortable with breaking the spoken and unspoken dress code rules, three hoorays for the black plunging neckline ball gown. I am not trying to be the fashion police- and anyway from your description I am sure it's a beautiful dress and you'll look smashing.
I just am tryng to stress how there's always a reasoning, and a reason, behind some apparently illogical fashion rules.
And, tbh, I just could not let go some statements unchallenged :) as if in Europe "sexy black " is the attire of choice for weddings. It's definitely not. There's barely ANY backless dress and bare shoulders etc shown at weddings . Unless maybe , like, when Kim Kardashian got married in Florence . But pop icons ( ... and apparently Canadians too ? ) make their own rules, for good and for bad...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): Hi. Op here.I think I need to clarify that the dress is a ballroom gown. It is down to the floor; the only skin it shows is an open back and it has a plunging neckline which is tasteful. I have seen many black dresses worn at our weddings here in Canada over the years, and at European weddings, so it is by no means a faux pas. I can see if it was worn to the church but not to an evening reception. My own mother wore a black evening gown with gorgeous beading at my wedding when I was married and she was mother of the bride. And I had absolutely no objection. I do not think my sister will either. I am the only one of her sisters she did not choose to be in her wedding party so I will be able to wear what I choose, after all. That's a relief.I have found that no matter what you wear or no matter what you do in life, you will be judged or criticized. So, I am not going t worry about that. I love what I am wearing and I will focus on enjoying myself.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (7 June 2017):
A sexy black dress to your sister's wedding? I think you wanted the dress for the shock effect it will have at the wedding. But that's between you and your sister. What you buy with your money is your business. If your bf likes the green dress so much let him buy it himself. As for his reaction, he sounds spoiled and petulant and a little controlling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2017):
 It really depends on what country OP is from. Black dress for a wedding is not a "faux pas" everywhere. Especially, for themed weddings. White, however, IS considered a big no-no. Yet, again it ALL comes down to the bride and groom.
BUT if you are in DOUBT, CALL your sister. IT's HER wedding. If she doesn't want people to wear black, respect it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): Totally up to you what dress you buy, but black for a wedding? Unless there is a colour print/pattern with the black I've never heard or seen anyone wear just black to a wedding. Your bf shouldn't be offended, after all he was there to offer his opinion and help but it's your choice, if he is offended then maybe it'd be easier not to shop with him in the future to make things a bit easier. Ultimately you buy what you like and feel comfortable wearing - just maybe have a think if black would be the best for a wedding?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): Wear black! By all means!If you are a wedding guest, then black is perfectly acceptable.I am assuming you are not in the bridal party.Correct?Black is a universal colour for evening gowns and for going out in the evening. So, if it is an evening reception and it is elegant, then black is very elegant and not an unlikely choice.You will probably be seeing many women in black!Enjoy yourself in your gorgeous gown. :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 June 2017):
All things aside, dont ever wear black in a wedding. Its poor etiquette as black is the colour for funerals, and is seen to mean you wish the couple bad luck, if you wear black at their wedding. White is also to be avoided, as that symbols you want to outshine the bride. Avoid red too, as that means you slept with the groom...
So never mind your bf or your own preference. Dont wear a black dress to a wedding!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 June 2017):
 You should always wear what you feel good in.That said, "black" and "sexy" are two things that aren't appropriate for a wedding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): Of course you can wear whatever you like. However I was always told that wearing black was an insult to the bride as it is the colour you wear to a funeral.
And that wearing white is also an error as the only person wearing white at a wedding should be the bride.
The aim at a wedding is to not try to upstage the bride and to not stand out so obviously that attention is on you, instead of the bride.
After all it is the bride's very special day. All eyes should be on the bride. She is the vision everyone wants to applaud.
Beyond that every other colour possible is fine.
But it is your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): As much as I have a admit I am somewhat weirded out by a man being 'almost in tears' about me not picking a dress he liked, if his reaction was that over the top I probably would have picked it. Plus I think black is not very 'weddingy'.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 June 2017):
It's your sister's wedding and your body! You chose correctly in my view. Your boyfriend is entitled to an opinion but not to make the decision for you. Personally I'd completely ignore his petty little huff and continue to get excited for your sister's big day.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 June 2017):
Perhaps a sartorial mistake ?:)- now you are going to hate me but tbh, at least here in my little , but very fashion savvy- neck in the woods , your choice would be cause for perplexity.
The jury is very much split about wearing black at weddings - it used to be a definite " don't ", but now that so many weddings are celebrated in the evening and followed by formal dinner / dancing... then,maybe.
But black AND sexy ? Heck no !
If anybody should look sexy at a wedding ( which is also debatable and debated ) that should be the bride - everybody else is supposed to NOT try and steal her thunder, and to be content with looking discreetly elegant.
Then again, what do I know. Here we don't even wear
" fascinators " or Ascot hats at weddings - so maybe it's a different fashion " language ".
For the rest, of course, no mistake - you are right- and you have answered your own question. At the end of the day, what you wear should be your choice. It's that simple.
I don't think, though, that your bf is going to be really " hurt " or feel rejected as a person. He should be an extra super-touchy type to feel this way ! He might have been slightly disappointed or slightly annoyed, as it happens to any of us when we see our advices being ignored... or simply when we can ìt have things our own way. That's sort of natural, I'd say- and it's a reaction that fades away very soon, at least when the disagreement is about such a mundane thing like the colour of a dress. So, unless ,again , you know him for a hypersensitive ( or hypercontrolling ) type- you don't need to worry, you haven't done anything wrong, and he'll get over this in no time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): You should have bought the dress he liked. It was one he wanted to see you in and the occasion would be indelible in his memory for years to come; because he will always have the memory of you in the dress he picked out for you.
You could have gotten the black dress for another occasion. Women don't usually wear black to weddings. Do they?
Who were you trying to look sexy for? It's not always about dominating you and telling you what to do. He compromises for you by going shopping with you.
In a similar situation; my guy and I had to pick out tuxedos for a formal event last year. I picked the conservative one, and he suggested a more modern designed tux. No bow-tie! Slim-cut. I was kind of stubborn about it. Well, he got so huffy about it, I gave in. Wouldn't you know it, I got tons of compliments about how great and dapper I looked in that tux. I was taking selfies with people like some kind of celebrity. What made me feel even better was how he glowed with pride for me.
He told me I looked like an undertaker or a doorman in the other one. When I first tried it on, he wouldn't comment; he just looked me up and down. He finally fessed-up his opinion on our drive home. He said I need to loosen-up and show a little flare. He was right.
Sometimes our guys see us through the eyes of love, and they have a different perspective on what makes us look good for them. If he didn't give me attitude, I would have worn that plain old penguin-style tux; and wouldn't have made him as proud as he was when everyone made a fuss over me.
I'm just a guy. I think you should have gotten the green dress to make him happy. It was an occasion for him to show you off, and gloat about you at the same time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2017): "But at the end of the day, it should be my choice. Not his".He isn't you keeper and he isn't God and if he were he wouldn't make you feel guilty for getting the black dress and not the green one. Pathetic really considering what's going on in the world!
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (5 June 2017):
 You paid for it, and it was for you to wear and at your sisters wedding, so it was right that you had the last say. I can't say if the black dress was better than the other , does he ever want to see you in a dress that is sexy? He might be one that gets jealous and will become more controlling in what you dress in. I think you did the right thing , and have a great day.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (5 June 2017):
 It's your choice! It's good he is willing to offer an opinion, but it is you who wears the dress. I do wonder whether he is worried the black dress will attract other men, therefore his opinion had some self preservation element!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2017):
You answered your own question, OP
"But at the end of the day, it should be my choice. Not his."
As long as the black dress isn't inappropriate ( and I have SEEN some slutty dresses at places they didn't belong like Dining out (military ball) and weddings) I don't see why you should feel bad for liking and CHOOSING the black one over HIS choice.
I think you need to let it go. IF he feels hurt over it, SO be it. YOU are the one who has to wear it, not him.
I also think he is using a bit of manipulation because you chose the black over his choice. And that part is a bit childish of him.
Have it altered, find some GREAT shoes and accessories and look FABULOUS for your sister's wedding. He will (hopefully) get over it and be proud to have such a babe on his arm.
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