A
female
age
36-40,
*ontGiveUp
writes:I recently posted a question about my fiance and I having problems with him betraying my trust, but I didnt mention that 2 years ago I did something awful as well...Our relationship back then was pretty awful. He was always nasty to me, we fought a lot, he would break up with me constantly and I would run back to him instantly. He was/is very controlling and was always accusing me of doing something wrong when I wasnt. He decided to join the army, and even though I didnt want him to go I supported him. While he was in basic training I got very angry at him for leaving and being so awful to me. I was also very confused as to whether or not I wanted to be with him anymore. I met someone through a coworker and we started to hang out. I ended up kissing him and thought I wanted to be with him rather than my fiance. I felt awful for what I had done and knew I would have to break up with my fiance (who was my boyfriend at the time). I still loved my fiance and wanted to be with him. I wrote the "Dear John" letter and sent it. Then I realized I did not want to live my life without him. I had made a huge mistake even though he didnt treat me right...two wrongs never make a right. So I went to his basic graduation and knew I had made the right choice. Then I spent the next two years doing everything I could for him, gave him my virginity (I had planned to wait til marriage) and knew in my heart I would never make a mistake like that again. I didnt even talk to other guys at all because I didnt need to. All I wanted was him. I never told him what had happened because I knew I would lose him. He asked me many times if there was anything I had lied to him about and I wouldn't come clean. I was afraid because of the type of person I know he is. Then 3 days ago he kept pushing and asking if there was anything. He said he knew there was something, he had a gut feeling. So finally, I fessed up to everything and he freaked out just like I knew he would...but maybe worse. He made a lot of really awful scary threats that I just cant repeat because it's too painful. Now I have been giving him space to think but he keeps talking to me and seems all over the place most of the time hes really mean, but I understand why and just try to let it slide off. He had gone awol for a year and has recently turned himself in to fix it and most likely get a medical discharge. He has some mental issues...he has severe anxiety, depression and it seems some bi-polar as well. He is also on a lot of medication right now...about 5 different ones. One minute he'll say that he is willing to let me try and gain his trust back...then next he will just act really mean and its like we're going around in circles. Plus he keeps making more threats asking for that guy's phone number and last name. It wasnt that guy's fault, he was nice to me and was a companion when I felt really down. As soon as I told that guy I chose my fiance and not him that was that and we never spoke again. I really dont want to lose my fiance for good. Just the thought of it kills me. Im still afraid of what hes going to do. He has agreed to let me drive up there to see him but then he has also said he doesnt want to. He says he wants to try and get back in the army instead of out, get deployed and move on with his life...he is confusing me. He wouldnt be talking to me if he didnt still want me I think. But then I think maybe he is playing games with me and is trying to hurt me and get back at me. I truly have been really good to him and internally I have been making up for my mistake ever since. Its one of the reasons I gave my virginity before I wanted to...I wanted to show him he was THE ONE for me and I really meant it. I dont want to be with anyone else. I just want some opinions...good or bad. Where should I go from here? Im so afraid it isnt going to work and he will never forgive me...if the situation were reversed exactly and I had been the one who treated him like crap and all that stuff and then he turned to someone else, I would forgive him. It was a long time ago and our relationship has grown into so much more since then. UGH please help me.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 March 2009):
You've said that you want to be with this guy, even though he abuses you, that you are scared of him, that he is severely mentally ill, that he cheated on you or whatever it was, that you had to betray your beliefs about sex before marriage just to keep him.
Personally I think that if you break up with him then you will be SO surprised at how much better you feel about yourself. You sound so much like a beaten dog, trying desperately to creep back to its master and look cute so you'll get a pat on the head or some other crumb of affection.
But if you want to stay miserable with him, rather than accepting there may be a happier life out there, then it's your funeral.
SO. How to build up this train wreck into something that can crawl along and pass for public transport?
Well obviously since he is mentally ill you should try and get him on some meds that sort out any paranoia. This could take a couple of years so he may still treat you like crap till he finds a med combination that works for him and his body settles into it.
He also obviously likes control and abusing you so that you stay in your place and don't build up enough self confidence to realise that DECENT MEN DON'T ACT LIKE THIS. So as you have already cut all male friends from your life you are on the right track. Try just staying silent and giving him lots of sex. It'll probably make you feel incredibly degraded and he'll tell you that you are a slut, but hey, that's the kind of girl he wants and you'll be handing him ammunition on a plate to throw at you so it's a double bonus.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, Darity +, writes (18 March 2009):
 He really needs to forgive you or it is not going to work. I have been married 13years and I to did something I regret and my husband has yet to forgive me and every time we have an argument it is brang up again, I am saying if you want a life of pain and guilt then stick with him unless he truely forgives you. Sorry I can't be more positive for you.
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