A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We were close friends (according to him) but our feelings for each other complicated things. He shied away from having a relationship. He told me he was scared to be a rebound, because his last relationship was a rebound and ended miserably. I was very unhappy in my previous relationship anyway, so I don’t expect anyone to judge me. I suffered emotional abuse, and when he found out how my partner was towards me, he told me how he’d never do that, he’d be different, I deserve better and so on. Basically coerced me into leaving my partner, and told me he wanted to have a relationship with me. He tried to kiss me, but I didn’t accept his advances. He was always cuddly, and when we met up a short while after I left my partner, he was even more cuddly (no sex though - not even kissing!).When he told me he was afraid, I told him we’d never be friends again because we crossed the line. I said I’d felt lead on, he said he thought I would but that wasn’t what he planned. No apology and I was deeply hurt. He didn’t answer me (ghosted?) and a few weeks went by without as little as a text message. I eventually texted him out of guilt (because I felt I’d pushed him away) and his replies were almost immediate and always positive. He said he’d been thinking about me though, and he’d felt conflicted about us which was “hard” in his eyes. The conflict stemmed from me leaving my ex-partner and whether he caused it / showed me a better option. We spoke on the phone a few times (he called me) for hours into the night. But feelings were never mentioned. He made minimal contact with me otherwise by text or similar (he’d text me daily at all hours when we were friends) and naturally I started to feel played again. I cut in and told him point blank that he’s being hot and cold again, he’s not clear with his aim in this and I’m not going to he lead on this time. He didn’t respond and I removed him on all my social media accounts, because again he appeared to ghost me. A few weeks later, I texted him saying that I thought I’d always been a good friend of his... yet he can’t answer a simple text or convey any honesty. To my amazement, he replied saying basically that he doesn’t want to argue with me about it. No sorry. No explanation. No acknowledgement of leading me on. He said he was upset we don’t talk anymore, but said he refuses to argue. But I told him my piece. I deserve better than to be ghosted by someone I trusted. I calmly explained my point of view again, but he didn’t see any reason why I was upset. He was almost dismissive of it. I know he’s not stupid, and I made the issue clear but he skirted around it. I am so confused, what’s going on here?
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male
reader, Woodstock54 +, writes (3 October 2017):
I think the dude got scared and ran when you rejected his advances. He probably thought like great this is my chance, she's single and when you friend zoned him he didn't want anything of it. You didn't seem like you really wanted to be with him or were ready at the time too.
Plus it was a lot of pressure with you leaving another guy, it puts a lot of expectations on the guy. If you're leaving someone, make sure it's for you and not someone else.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 September 2017):
 I agree with Honeypie as well.
One lesson to be learned here is when someone is as wishy washy as he was/is, then that alone should be a sign that they're not the one for you.
Another is you really need to give yourself time on your own after a break up. Re-group, process and enjoy the space.
Don't contact him again. You're coming on very strong and it suggests you're emotionally all over the map, which is either a green light to a manipulator or a turn off to someone decent.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 September 2017):
 He doesn't want anything to do with you and I think you should retain your self respect and not have anything to do with him either. You keep reaching out and he keeps dismissing you and each time that he brushes you aside, you feel worse than before. This has gone on for far too long now. Please break this cycle and move on from him
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (30 September 2017):
I agree w/honeypie, don't hold in the bitterness, just learn from this. When someone lets you in like that and goes hot/cold, that can be incredibly painful. You def deserve better and if you continue to chase him, you will not catch him. When dating if a guy ever makes any excuses why he cannot be w/you, RUN! The guy isn't trying to spare you, he is getting rid of you in the easiest way possible. Whatever you had w/him, will never be like that again. Let him go completely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): You're facing your karma for psychologically-cheating on your ex-partner. You initiated a romantic-connection with someone "before" you ended the relationship you were already in. You gain love through trust. He has trust-issues; when he witnessed you leaving another person for him.
If you were very unhappy with your previous relationship; the best way to handle it, is to leave it. Get completely over it; then proceed to date, and seek romantic-connections. That is, once you've recovered from grief and loss from the breakup; and disposed of any emotional-baggage that would impede a healthy and flourishing future-relationship. Future, as in at least a year! You're traumatized, and recovery takes time!
What you attempted to do, was find your ex's replacement; then leave him. Thereby, by-passing all the drama and heartbreak of a breakup. Make a smooth transition. Becoming a total psychological/emotional-burden on the next guy.
The other guy felt guilty; because he saw your exit as somewhat cold and calloused. If he had a bad break-up; his sensitivities to such emotional-indifference would he heightened. He'd see that as a red-flag. He also feels responsible for it, to some degree. He'd be reliving his breakup through yours.
Truth is, he may like you; but wasn't ready for a girlfriend. It's too soon. You suffered emotional-abuse; you still need time to heal. You'd be needy and damaged; seeking someone to cling-to and unload your pain. He knows drama and torment follows a breakup. Nothing is worse than a delayed emotional-reaction. Some people become mentally-distraught, or unstable. He may already see signs of it
We're taking your word that you were emotionally-abused; and he'd be the one taking the risk to become emotionally-involved with you, that being the case.
You may be numb now; but there is still closure and unfinished business with the last guy. He doesn't need to undergo that drama with you. That's what you have to deal with before you even consider dating anyone else.
He doesn't want to be your rebound, or "swing-to" partner; as you went from one guy to the next. There is a detachment-process we undergo between breakups. He's going through it, and he knows. If you haven't shown any signs or symptoms, or you just don't care; you aren't sending him a good message about yourself. He's worried something's wrong with you.
You're trying to escape. He's not your hero or there to save you. That's what he's telling you by his silence and "ghosting."
He wasn't waiting to be your safety-net or a replacement once you ditched your ex. So now, you must undergo your normal detachment-process. Suffer and grieve your loss; and get-over your ex. You must seek some therapy or counseling for post-traumatic stress from domestic-abuse.
You also must answer to your karma for going after someone else; before properly leaving ending your relationship with one to pursue another. Our actions have consequences. He doesn't get to tell his side of the story, or to defend himself. We'll take your word as sole-evidence that he's abusive.
Instead of seeking another man to hide and soothe your trauma from your abusive-relationship. It would be better for you to seek some professional-counseling. That way, you will address the residual-emotions or PTSD that sometimes hides itself until there is something to trigger it. You have to be emotionally and mentally-healthy before taking on another relationship, my dear.
He's wisely pulling-away. Don't try to hold-on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2017):
 I think there are so much drama and passive-aggressiveness going on here and less... honesty.
You are mad that you left an abusive man for a man who didn't honor the "promise" he made you.
Which - is understandable however it's neither here nor there.
He started to ghost you when you complained about him not keeping that promise.
The thing is, OP
He didn't WANT to date you. He wanted to "rescue" you from an abusive partner. Not entirely for YOUR sake but for his own as well. To make him feel like he did something GREAT for another person.
You two have had your wires crossed due to crappy communication.
You thought what comes out of his mouth must be true. And it wasn't.
When a friend tells you they are in a crappy relationship with any type of abuse, we all want to HELP that friend. How HE went about it was stupid. The silver lining is this, YOU left a crappy relationship and are NO longer dealing with that abuse.
Your "friend" offered you a fantasy. Being with him instead. He didn't WANT the reality but the fantasy was fine until you pushed for more.
So you both made mistakes.
My advice to you? Pack away the bitterness and learn from this.
If you are in a relationship with a guy and he is abusive, emotionally, physically, mentally... whichever. LEAVE. You don't NEED a man to "rescue" you from that.
Don't try and jump from ONE relationship into a new one, right away. It's like a bungee cord you bring CRAP from the last relationship with you over and over. Because you don't TAKE the time to process what happened, why it happened and how to prevent it next time.
Block this "friend". You want more, he doesn't. There is no point in keeping him around for you to beat him over the head because he really didn't want to date you, just rescue you.
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