A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a single mom who had been seeing a married man for two years before his wife found out. After she found out, he broke it off with me, and we were both devestated. Then I called him a few times, and we started to see each other again, but without the joy we had before... and with the understanding that it was over. I secretly decided to try to have a baby and went off birth control. I had decided to have his baby, but I would never tell him, and never go to him for child support. I just wanted to know that the baby was his, and conceived out of love. He asked me if I was still on birth control before the first time we made love after our break up, and I told him that of course I was still on it. Several times he asked me, and each time I told him not to worry, and that I was still on it. I know that if I had admitted I was off birth control that he would not have made love to me. Well, I'm now pregnant. At first I wasn't going to tell him... just let him walk away, and he would never know. But now I've told him, and he is in a torment. He wants to stay with his wife and child, but also wants to see his baby that I'm carrying, and watch it grow up. I've told him that as long as he stays with his wife, I never want to see him again, and I don't want his support. I don't know what to do. I decided not to have an abortion, but I'm having a difficult time walking away from him. Is it ok for me to never let him see his child again? I can't bear to be with him if he stays with his wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Stop its not worth it. i had an affair with a married man and ruined my relationship became the towns slut. Lost everything . He beat me so bad when i told his wife. We lost the baby. and i am now suffering from depression. and have been hospitalized twice. don't do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): I've read this, and I want my time back! lolI'm expecting the original poster will soon dignify this forum with a message where he or she lets us in on the actual truth. I refuse to think we're seriously supposed to answer the question "Is it ok for me to never let him see his child again?". As if one could answer "Yes, of course"; as if that were the only problem and the only question to ask...It seems to me that the judgemental, negative comments are the only logic reaction to the situation that has been offered up for debate. Such a negative character, with her flawed reasoning and her long line of bad choices, could in fact at best collect some kind of human understanding, but it's totally unreasonable to expect any sane person to offer a valid defense on the merits. So where's the trick?Sure some people could -- and should! -- remember that human beings do stupid things all the time; married people have affairs all the time, and it's not unusual that they are too stupid, arrogant or selfish to take the consequences, but they are nonetheless just human beings. Other than that, who could reasonably applaud to a woman in this situation?I was waiting to know how it ends. I wonder, who are we helping here? A sociologist? A writer? A bored internet surfer? In other words, many enquired as to what you were thinking when you1) engaged in a relationship with a married man;2) lied to him with a deliberate intent to get pregnant;3) decided to use the child as leverage, and told him about the pregnancy;4) made up your mind and threatened to deny him access to the child, unless he left his wife and other child...Looking at that impressive short list, I'd rather ask what you were thinking when you posted your message.There are other issues, and some of them would leave me here particularly troubled and especially curious, if this were a real case. One such question would be "Why on earth would you (on an emotional level) settle for such a man?". But I won't linger there.I wish you well...V.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I feel your pain I had an affair with a married man, I was also married 15 yrs. I couldn't have a baby & wanted one desperately. I got pregnant with my married man & miscarried. My husband & I divorced. I stopped seeing the married man because I felt guilty & knew it was wrong. 5 yrs after my divorce I remarried a wonderful man, became pregnant & brought our son home from the hospital on our 1st wedding anniversary. Going out with a married man is a no win situation. I don't think you should keep your child away from his father because you are angry he won't leave his wife. It's his responsbility to tell his wife he
got you pregnant & man up with child support & being a dad to his child
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I feel your pain I had an affair with a married man, I was also married 15 yrs. I couldn't have a baby & wanted one desperately. I got pregnant with my married man & miscarried. My husband & I divorced. I stopped seeing the married man because I felt guilty & knew it was wrong. 5 yrs after my divorce I remarried a wonderful man, became pregnant & brought our son home from the hospital on our 1st wedding anniversary. Going out with a married man is a no win situation. I don't think you should keep your child away from his father because you are angry he won't leave his wife. It's his responsbility to tell his wife he
got you pregnant & man up with child support & being a dad to his child
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female
reader, faithlynn  +, writes (31 May 2010):
no it is not ok and i dont think that you should do it i am 18 years old and i just meet my father last year my mother did the same thing keept me away from him (mydad) and she kept him away from me and i hate her saverly from it i hate her for doing it i also balaim my father evin though my mothere was the one that keept him away from me but it dosenjt worjk one way im made that she keept me from him adn that he dident try harder to get me .and it ruend most of my lifer me not knowing him ,i think your going to do a big mistake that will hunt you forever and your child will hate you for it. do not do it .it is rong and you will regret it ..i Promis you
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): i think this is ridiculous are you really serious? now youre lost after making the decision to lie to someone, you should have had it all planned out by the sound of it you are old enough to know the difference of right and wrong. you should have know that he will never leave his family especially not now bc know he knows he has been lied to by you and his REAL family will always be there i"m not saying it is all your fault he strayed from his family and now he probably wont make the mistake again you"ve sealed that deal
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): You are a selfish human being. You are trying to convince yourself that you are being selfless, but you only got pregnant to try and get this man to leave his wife. Now you are blackmailing him by telling him that if he doesn't, he can't see his child. You lied to him about being on birth control. Fine, if you want a child, have a child, but don't lie, deceive, and blackmail. You are an idiot and I feel bad for your child. You are just using that child as a pawn to get this man back. If you really wanted a baby that badly, you should have gone to a sperm bank. You just did this to get leverage. You are really evil. This makes me so angry. You are a totally awful person. And the worst part is that you are in total denial about your motives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): There is nothing right or wrong , you did what you did, knowing very well what the consequences will be, dont even think of an abortion, this baby was meant to be. You are lucky for you have something when compared to not having anything. I am single, dont have a boyfriend, dont want to get married but do want to have a kid, if I get the same oppurtunity like you, I will not even think twice about it, make the most of your new blessed life and dump this guy and move on , you have what you wanted, be strong and just dont look back, think of the bright future that you are going to provide to this kid. xx Pallavi
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reader, mrmike8  +, writes (16 February 2010):
In my opinion you both lacking in the relationship department and should spend some time alone to gain some perspective on your respective lives. It is unfortunate that people are able to procreate without learning responsibility for their actions.
Since the two of you have failed your lesson, lets take a look at your mistakes in the hopes you don't repeat them starting with him. He made a commitment to his wife when he married. If he didn't want to risk the anguish he is now feeling he should have remained faithful to his marriage. Certainly he should not have planted his seed in another woman's potentially fertile garden. He trusted his son/daughters future to you and lost.....Mere anguish to him but it cost his son/daughter a happy childhood and a good start on life. A start which now may never reach it's potential. On a positive note, he did at least try to avoid this situation by asking you if you were still on birth control but he is still responsible for where he puts his semen.
Now lets take a look at her (you). It is apparent that you are lonely and looking for happiness and or fulfillment. There is nothing wrong with seeking that. However, it is VERY wrong to do it at another s expense. Did you give any thought to his feelings? His wife's feelings? Or at the very least the feelings, happiness, or LIFE of your child?!?! It is clear you don't have your child's best interest at heart which is necessary to be a "fit mother". What you seemed not to understand is the some males use women like your self to satisfy their lustful desires. Somehow you mistook this unfaithful mans lustful desires as good husband/father material. At least he was unwilling to have unprotected sex with you. However, you repeatedly lied to him in order to get him to release in you. This child was not conceived out of love. It was conceived out of DECEIT. Selfish is not nearly a strong enough word to describe your actions. You ruined another woman's marriage and more importantly your own child's life for lust which you foolishly confused as love. Worse yet, you continue to use the child as a pawn in an attempt to fulfill your foolish fantasy. I don't like psychologists because they are merely overpaid staters of the obvious. However, you both could benefit from some time with one for the both of you fail to grasp your social situations adequately. You also seem slightly out of touch with reality.
Hopefully some time with a psychologist will help you come to terms with your situation. You really need to learn how to put your child first lest the child grows with issues as well. I sincerely wish the best for the other woman and more importantly, the child.
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reader, Kammi +, writes (6 December 2009):
How did things work out for you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): hi, I think that you are one of the luckiest women in the world whilst being unfortunate at the same time. 1. You were able to answer one of your wishes and get pregnant after making a decision to do so. In partnership's now adays, its not about who cheated, he;s probably unhappy with his wife as to why he crept outside of the relationship. (I had to write that). With regards to the child, 1. You made a decision to bring the child up on your own. 2. Ask yourself, with all the feelings, can you and your child handle the 2way relationship? as it sounds as though you cannot, therefore your child cannot. Try not to hate the Guy as that will affect the child. I know that you cannot handle the emotions of him being with another woman, I sympathise, therefore make a contractual agreement with the guy and or stick to your first guns and keep the child and live happily remembering with the child that this was the guy that you loved with your whole heart and nothing should not spoil that love between you and your child. Overall,Knowing you, you'll find a way to have both. You both need space that you probably not able to give as you all need to get your heads into a new space before trying to look forward. Good luck, peace and happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I know someone who something pretty similar to what you did. Moved the kid far away from the dad to punish the dad. The dad was able to get visitation anyway, but the dad also uses the kid as a tool to punish the grandma (withhold visitation). As one would guess, the kid is a bit of a mess. People like you truly disgust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): I am sorry to say this but everything you are going through right now is self inflicted. I am married and have always wondered what I would do if this situation ever happened to me, and all I can come up with is that i would despise the other woman as much as my husband. And if this poor wife stays with this mam then you are just going to havet to deal with her taking care of your baby, if that is so unbearable to think about then you should have thought about that when you were lying to him about being on birth control and been honest. no relationship built on lies and deceit can ever flourish or be healthy so I really don't know what you were thinking. Also if you are so adamant about not wanting to be with him anymore than what does it matter if he's still with his wife if he wants to be there for his child it seems to me like he is trying to atone for his sin by being there for his baby. maybe you should do the same by attempting to be a mature adult and allowing him his rights as a father. Its truly amazing to me that at 42-50 years old you havent figured out by now that you shouldnt sleep with or have relationships with married men. Its not love sweetheart no matter how you slice it when someone is married then they can't give the other person what is needed to truly be in love. I feel sorry for your baby as I was a result of a woman trying to hold on to a man by having a baby and you can lie to all of us and say u just wanted the baby, but by saying you wouldnt let him see his baby unless he left his wife tells the true story. You are a selfish woman and I truly hope you find some way to atone for the damage you have caused to this marriage and this child's life even before it's born. I also truly hope you find some help for the serious troubles you so clearly have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): What comes around goes around and karma is a bitch!! Oh well, the guy is getting his. The guy lied and decieived his wife he also selfishly used this woman for his own pleasure with no intention of ever committing. If she manages to get a baby out of it, well then she got a little bit of her own anyway!She's 42 (or over)Did you see her age people??? The rat bastered wasted her very last fertility years!!! So was she susposed to not have a baby with someone with the right genes just so a cheater could have the benefit of getting off scott free?Sorry you guys, she was wrong yes.. but he was too. Chances are he lied to both of them at some point. Some of you act like she is so evil and the guy doesn't deserve such evil. Yes he does Ok that was to the Ahole critical postest To the OP: I feel you need to let the kid have a father. Seriously. I know you hate him. I know he is scum. I know he doesn't deserve it. But the child would benefit with two parents. Lady give up the dream he is going to leave his wife and marry you. You don't want him!!! Trust me!! You missed the bullet there. Plus a child doesnt need two parents living together who fight all the time cause they don't trust each other.You brought a child into this world -you go girl!!! But let this resentment go. The kid is here...he/she has a daddy. and you are not married to a real jerk. Can life get any better!!!??? I think not.
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reader, LightHorseman  +, writes (3 April 2009):
I was the guy in a fairly similar situation. I can't begin to describe how much pain my former partner put me through by denying me fair and equitable access to our child. My sincere suggewstion is that you PUT THE NEEDS OF YOUR CHILD before your personal angst. Sure, it might be hard on you continuing any sort of relationship with the guy, but you know what? It will be an awful lot harder on your child not having a father if you continue to hold him at a distance.
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reader, NathanielPrime +, writes (12 December 2008):
You are a truly despicable person and do not deserve the joy of creating a new life. I truly hope that there is an afterlife and you will get what you deserve, as it is at this point entirely impossible for you to make up for what you've done in less than a century.
You destroyed a marriage. Whether or not it ends in divorce doesn't matter - it is broken beyond repair now. You have used lies, trickery and betrayal to create a new life - forcing a married man into fatherhood he does not want. He is certainly blameworthy here, but that doesn't make you any less of an affront to mankind. You betrayed the man you claim you have feelings for in the most painful way possible. I have never been in a situation similar to this man's, but your story (and the support of some of the posters here) horrifies me beyond what words can convey.
But oh, that's not the worst of what you've done. Not nearly. Whether you admit it or not, it is clear to me (and the other readers as well, you can see by their responses) that you are planning on using your baby as blackmail. You tricked a man into giving you a child so that you could use an innocent baby as a weapon. You don't even deserve love.
If you have any morality at all, you will spend the rest of your entire life trying to make up for this horrible betrayal of the man you "love" and using a child as a tool. You might have come here to get a pat on the back from sympathetic people, but I'm going to tell it to you straight. What you did was a terrible thing, and if it makes you think you're awful person, you're absolutely right. You need to give the father 50/50 time with the child with no strings attached, and spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the evil you've done to this man and, even more importantly, your child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I indeed sympathise with your situation. Its a tough one. It is very easy to judge the other women in such cases, though what you did was thoughtless, that does not make you a bad person. You need to know that married men almost never leave their wives no matter how tough the going...its extremely rare...this is for your future reference..do not get involved with a married man, no good can come out of it. Pls concentrate on your life and your child now. Its welfare and health should be your top priority. Let go of the married man..if he knows about your pregnancy and baby make it clear that you dont want him involved. that would be best...develop freindships with other single mothers and gain support and hobbies take care of your health and be peaceful...God Bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): i actually cannot belive people who do things like this. usin babies as porns. your baby and that mans wife deserve better than this. sort your self out woman!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Wow, looks like every one is weighing in on this marital affair gone bad post.
And we all wonder why extramarital fairs are wrong..
They can and do destroy lives, they cause strokes and heart attacks sometimes and emotional devestation.
And of course there are the children involved who pay dearly for their caregivers mistakes.
I think you have received enough "help" from posters here, because the truth of the matter is, there is no help for you....you made a decision, you have a consequence and it is solely up to you how to deal with it, you and your higher power....
The thing is having an affair with a married man is simply insanity....all extra marital affairs are insane, it usually starts with a depressed wife or a depressed husband and instead of treating his depression he goes outside the marriage and finds and equally unstable or depressed person to commiserate with his problems and an affair is born, they almost always result in physical affairs.
If you would like to read about affairs and try to determine what or where you fall in the conundrum, then check this article out by a Psychologist who wrote a book about marital infidelity....
I wish you luck with your decision.
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=9
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Its, not fair that you not allow him to see his child nor is it fair to the child. Its the child that is being played here.. its the childs life too not just yours. Also, his wife should know about this affair and about this child.. its unfair to her that this man makes a lie out of her life. Three adults are at play the third should know. If your an honest caring person you'll come forward regardless of the outcome. Its best for all parties at hand! one day the child or his wife will find out, so its best if you deal with it on your terms.
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reader, Mango08 +, writes (28 February 2008):
Hi there, well I think some of the people on here are being very hurtfull and unkind, the purpose of an agony aunt as I believe it to be, is to give non judgemental advice/support that is not based on their own anger or imagined feelings in anothers position that you could not possibly imagine unless you were going through the same yourself, neither it is a place or appropriate to offend and generally be nasty.
I'm sure your only too aware of the situation that will come to rise here and i'm afraid to say that I can't imagine things will ever be easy. You say you are a single mum, how is your child dealing with all this?
I would say the best piece of advice i have ever been told is that 'in 25 years you will regret the things you havn't done more than the things you have' You will and so will everybody else concerned find their own way of dealing with this, however if you stop something from happening/prevent actions/dont do something how would you feel when its too late? how will others concerned feel? (i'm thinking primarily of your unborn child)
My other concern for you is your welfare through your pregnancy, i'm guessing you must be about 3-4 months by now? I went through my pregnancy alone and it was very daunting, isolating and lonely at times. So if you want to talk about any of this please feel free to message me.
I also think that even that if he thought you were taking birth control, it is not just your responsibility, it takes two... what would have been his reaction if you had of been ill and contraception not worked? or been the 1%? so for his part he should have used a condom!When two people embark on a sexual relationship of any kind it is both parties responsibility to take necessary steps to protect their partner and themselves. Unfortunately many people can be very quick to pass the buck when it comes to responsibility, we are ALL accountable for our actions! As you are only too aware children are the biggest and most important responsibility we as parents can have and we are accountable for them also.
Just remember if you take actions (and that goes for Everybody) you have responsibility to deal with the consequences (and that goes for Everybody too!)
I think you should let him have contact with his child and he certainly should support you and your baby, obviously if he stays with his wife she may give him an ultimatum too! And if he doesn't and this does work out the way you wanted it to then would you ever really trust him? men that cheat tend to do it more often than not, sorry but he may do to you what he has done to his wife and children... Furthermore if you stay with this man, following divorce proceedings etc...with his wife, he may have his children weekends etc... how would you feel having them come to stay? Also a certain amount of communication between two families is also needed for the happiness of the children so this needs to be kept diplomatic,possible and effective for their sake.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but please remember that your unborn child has to come first before any adult.
I hope all this can be of some help in your hour of need.
x
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (21 February 2008):
 You have made your bed now lie in it you stupid cow !!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I feel for you, I really do. I'm having a relationship with a married man and have been tempted to skip the pill on more than one occasion, in the desparate hope that maybe he'd just make that final step and be with me full time. It's a terribly lonely place to be and unfortunately, the hateful comments from some people on this site don't make it any better. For what it's worth, I don't think you need psychological help, or an exorcism or an abortion. I think you need to talk to someone who won't judge you. Far too often, people view these situations as black and white, and I'm ashamed to say, up until a few years ago, I may have been one of them. The truth of the matter is, when you meet someone and there's that 'thunderbolt' moment, the fact that one or both of you might be married just doesn't enter into the equation, does it? It sounds to me you've acknowledged that deceit is not a basis for a relationship, and not the best start to give a child in life, but you can turn things around to an extent. Maybe start by having some time away from him and get used to the idea of being pregnant first. I'm no psychologist, but I think you did this as a way of trying to validate the importance of your relationship with this man - that is a normal emotional response to being in love, especially for a woman. If you were a 'publically committed' couple, no one would bat an eyelid at you wanting to have a baby as a way of declaring your love for one another, the fact that you're having an affair doesn't really change that emotional need. As for not wanting to see him unless he leaves his wife, I can understand that too - it's desparately hard sharing someone you love and 'the other woman' is allowed to be jealous too - we're not all she-devils, out to drain the life force from every poor, unsuspecting male!!! You stay strong and do what's right for your baby. Best of luck to you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I think your act was very immature. Why would you want to get pregnant, knowing he had a wife? I'm guessing, you thought he would leave his wife, if he knew you were carrying his baby. Wrong. You played a game, and it back fired.
The child should not have to suffer because you chose to make a bad decision. Let him be a father and be thankful he wants to be.
Move on and get a life. Do not interupt their relationship. You will regret it later!
I know it hurts, but it's best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): i think everyone who replied to this message are simple minded people!!! you cant put a pretty face on love. it is what it is!!! some men dont want to be with there overweight loons for wifes,but they stay because they love their children. and if a child is born out of love and spirit , that is wonderful.i have a married boyfriend, and if people wernt so controling they would walk away from the marrage instead of act like jackie kennedy for the money and fake life!!!!this child would not be just a married mans child, if take out the trach women wasnt around to get the paycheck every week. im sorry for you, that people are so narrow minded.
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reader, DmH +, writes (23 December 2007):
I don't feel sorry for you one bit. I feel for your unborn child and for the man's wife. You and this guy deserve each other. I hope she leaves him and then you won't have to worry about her having any contact with you baby. All I can say is pray that you child is born without any problems. You see people who do messed up things to other people....... like sleeping with another woman's husband tend to have have bad things happen to them. Some call it Karma. I say it's the seed you sew is the seed you reep.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): You would have to be the most selfish person i have ever seen. You couldn't have the man so instead you use an innocent child to fufil your lfe. You do not deserve to be a mother and neither does the cheating husband!! His wife would probably be the best person of all of you to raise this child, maybe then it would have a hope of having some morals. Although i doubt the wife would ever want to see this child the proof of her husbands deceit. People like you and your man make me sick!!! Grow up and stop thinking of yourself. How are you going to explain to your child how they were conceived? What hope has this child got
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reader, kirsty_29 +, writes (22 December 2007):
 UNREAL. What a horribly shitty thing you have done. I'm sorry, but really, you have. The mess you are in is ALL your doing. Did you not understand that you were a good time fling on the side? He's got a wife and child already and obviously wasn't wanting you for a relationship or a child with you which is clear by him asking if you were still on birth control. Just what kind of game did you think you were playing? And the joy being gone out of it? Well, obviously because the wife found out and it's not a secret anymore. I will ask you the same thing I asked another on here, How do you sleep at night? You are trying to PUSH this man into being with you, clearly that is not what he wants. You were a good time and obviously he's realised what side his bread is buttered on, possibly even feeling remorse for his actions.
Do you feel remorse? Do you have feelings? Have you put the shoe on the other foot and thought of his wife and child? Do their feelings matter? No, obviously not, and that is a very cold and sinister and lets not forget devious existance you've got going there. You need help girl. What you've done is nasty, please really think about this, you seriously need help. And as for your question, NO it is NOT at all OK for you to not allow this man to see his child. In fact, he has every right to see the child. Do you have any idea how many children have dead beat dads? This child was not conceived out of love either, it was a trick you played on someone and this will come back to haunt you every day. You've ripped some poor woman apart, think of that. Out of your hurt for it being over you've done this. You couldn't have just let it go?
I realize some of what I said seems harsh but when you come on here with a story like that you are putting yourself out for answers, and you got one. Let him see his child. Do you want him that bad for him to turn around and do it to you too? Karma will get you everytime. Do the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): If you only wanted a baby, and not for him to be involved or even know about it, why didn't you go to a sperm bank? Or have sex with someone else, who isn't married already? That is a complete lie. You told him about it, it's not as if he just found out on his own. Furthurmore, you lied to him on several accounts when he asked if you were still on birth control. You were in love with him. Your dream was for him to leave his wife & be with you. You're using this baby as a tool to try & get that to happen (which is awful) That is why you did it. Now that you realize that won't be happeneing, you're trying to act as though you just wanted the baby and not him. You're saying "if you don't leave your wife & be with me and my child, you will not see your child" Which by the way, is not your damn choice. I really hope he goes after you for custody. Even though him cheating is awful as well, you seem to have intentions of ruining this baby's life. You should never have done this is the 1st place, but now that you have and there is a baby involved, you need to be making choices that are best for this baby, NOT YOU! What a deceitful person you are.
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reader, rcn +, writes (19 December 2007):
 your reasoning does not matter. sometimes the act is much larger than the reason behind it. you acted careless. you interfered with the life of someone else with a malicious intent. why you did it, who cares? that's like saying, i killed this person, because i wanted his place in line. justifiable or not?
it is not OK at any time to do something with an intent that can possibly cause harm to another person. that is one that's considered to be wrong on its face, meaning anyone, with reasonable thinking would see it as being wrong no matter how it's viewed.
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reader, rockelle +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Lets be honest here if you had not intended for him to find out you wouldn't have told him. I do not want to seem harsh or mean but I am simply giving you my honest opinion on your situation. I put myself in your shoes and I am sure this must be hard for you, but you brought this on yourself. Maybe I feel the way I do because I have a heart and I care about how other people feel that is one reason why I could never sleep with another womens husband or boyfriend , the guilt would kill me. I have a husband and I could only imagine how this women is dealing with the situation. What you did was wrong and it was selfish. As a women and a mother you should be more tasteful about how you choose your mate, what kind of message are you sending to the child that you have? It is sad that there are so many women that are willing to settle for anything that a man can offer. This man is more than likely not going to leave his wife to be with you and your child, if he ends up with you it will probably be because she threw his sorry ass out.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (19 December 2007):
 I have read this and will make 2 points:
It seems like a child is being added to a situation to be used as a bargaining or revenge tool. That's very sad.
This is a "reference" case for any guy posting the "I'm thinking of cheating" question.
I know you won't like what I just said, but I do think you need some views from others, which you may or not agree with just to give you some perspective on your situation.
I know you may feel you had reasons for doing this but from your post I don't really know what they are. However, your question is about whether you can prevent him from seeing the child. This is really a legal question if you stay in the UK. It all depends how much he wants to fight for the right. Increasingly men are insisting on contact with their child and the trend is likely to continue. If he is determined, then I don't think you will be able to prevent him from seeing the child. Of course to get around this problem, you could move abroad which would make it very difficult if not impossible for him. However, you would lose any state benefits which might be a problem to you.
There is also another aspect to your question and that is if you choose to deny him access, then the child grows up without knowing the father. That's not desirable for so many reasons. Furthermore, if the child discovers you have tried to prevent access or lied about the father, then I think there is a high chance the child will never forgive you. The cheating husband has done wrong. This may be your way of punishing him. But you are also punishing the child as well.
Many people are going to be hurt and it just seems so unnecessary. You've made me feel sad. I wish you well. Take care.
Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease let me clarify... I did NOT do this to take him from his wife. I really had no intentions of his ever finding out about it. I just wanted this baby for me. I don't know why I told him that I'm pregnant, but I really thought he would run to keep his life from becoming even more complicated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Sorry to see you have received some quite abusive posts. I wish people would retain some degree of professionalism in their answers. I have been in your shoes but I lost the baby very early. The absolute irony (if it was one) was that his wife was pregnant at the same time and I had no idea because my lover had kept it a secret. The situation made me feel suicidal - she had a beautiful baby boy and I had nothing... and I would never have an affair again because looking back it was not joy it was deceit. If you can learn from this and in time be stronger for it then that is what you can focus on. I realise the reasons why I did what I did and now feel better equipped to rebuild myself and I know that my lover is still with his wife. I feel most sorry for her as I actually now see that is was my lover and his weak attitude at fault as well as myself. Please see that this is not his wifes fault - once you do this and see the root of the problem - it may become easier for you to accept her seeing your child. I imagine it must be pretty hard for her too. Unfortunately you should really allow this child access to their father and he them. I wish you all the best. I know that desperate people do desperate things. You don't need to feel this way anymore. I hope you find the love you need and deserve from a more caring and loyal man who is free to provide that in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): You know I just found out today that my sister was having an affair with a married man. She was so ashamed but she said she couldn't hold it in any longer. I just feel so ashamed for her and for my family. I can't believe that she would do something like that. I always saw that as something that happened to other people but never in my family. I still am in a shock. It's just not like her. For her to reduce herself to doing something so low really scares me. I'm scared that something is wrong with her, it's not like her. We were raised so well. I just can't believe she would be involved in hurting this man's family it just brings me to tears. I always thought OTHER women did stuff like that but never anyone in my family. I don't know what to do. I know she feels like utter shit. And I know something's wrong with her. My parents would be so so sad if they found out. But most of all they would be concerned that something's wrong with her. She's already seeing a therapist. How she could reduce herself to that is beyond comprehension. I am just very very sad and I guess I just wanted to share with you how my sister's affair has affected me. [Moderator's note. Usually we do not approve messages that make referrence to an episode that does not strictly concern the initial question when the respective message causes more anguish or distress to the initial poster. I have made an exception. Please continue to give advice without being judgemental.]
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): I have no concern for you at all, you really take the cake!
However, you are now going to bring a child into this world and you are seriously troubled and need professional help with your ability to bring a healthy happy child into the world. You must, for this baby, get help as your, in my opinion terribly troubled and need to do the best for this child.
If I was this man, you would have blowen it big time with me. He will have alot of crap to deal with with his wife, which he deserves, but as for him now caring about you, think you will have blown it doll. The child needs someone stable in it's life and I do not beleive this is you, so joint custody maybe the best for this baby.
You tried to trick him into leaving his wife, it did not work and has backfired big time. Now you need to focus on the baby and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
This is a brilliant lesson for husbands having affairs - she might get pregnant on purpose and the fun is suddenly all gone!
I wish your baby all the best and this mans wife!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is why we should hate women.
You have Zero right whatsoever to deny a child it's father, regardless of his marital status.
If you do deny the father, that child will grow up resenting you for it, and believe me it will.
What do you plan on telling your kid when it asks why it doesn't have a father, or who its father is? What happens once it is old enough to take matters into its own hands and leave to track its father down without your consent.
What you have done is evil and despicable. And you are a vile, disgusting excuse for a human being.
And the father is almost as much at fault. The only thing that redeems him is the fact he broke it off when the shit hit the fan, and that he isn't shying away from his responsibilities.
Grow the fuck up and stop pretending he loves you. He chose his wife over you, so deal with it. And so help me if you try to take that kid away from him I hope to hell he goes for custody because I pity any child raised by a soul sucking she-demon like yourself.
Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): I am the first poster, and would like to re-iterate that this lady has come here for advice, not to be judged or shouted at in capital letters.
I wish you all the best and in response to the update, 50/50 access is totally unreasonable should you not stay together, some access is acceptable though.
It's going to be sometime before your baby is born then a lot can happen in the meantime so I wouldn't try to set everthing in stone yet.
I think discuusing access is a moot point when you don't yet know if he is going to choose to live with you and leave his wife or stay with his wife.
Please keep us posted, and you are not despicable, you are human, as the security word reminds me!
Keep your chin up x
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reader, Samutsen  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 To me you have no right to hide the baby from him and you have no right to ask him to leave his wife.
But he has got to support his kid try to be a good father as much as possible.
How is he going to work it out with his wife I do not know.
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reader, rockelle +, writes (18 December 2007):
Like it or not she is your childs step-mother!!!! When your child is with dad she will probably be the one who feeds and bathe your baby. If you do not give him visitation the courts will. So get used to it, and if you fight with him over visitation that could easily turn into a fight over custody!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): You're 36-40 years old, a single mom who intentionally got pregnant by a married man, who you knew wouldn't even have sex with you if the chance was there of you getting pregnant. In my opinion, you should consider an abortion. Otherwise, you're ruining a lot of people's lives including the unborn baby's. What kind of a mother does that to a child? You never once considered this child's wellbeing. And now you want to taker his/her father's rights away? Please, that's awful. And I think you're too old to face single motherhood again.
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reader, rockelle +, writes (18 December 2007):
I would first like to adress the anonymous female reader who was the first to reply to this post, how can you tell this women that she has done nothing wrong. Since when is sleeping with someone elses husband or boyfriend become OK. This issue is not about religous belief , it is about right and wrong. What she did was wrong period.
To the male anonymous reader who answered this post I couldn't agree with you more!!!!!!!!!!
Now to address the women who posted this question, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????? A women at your age should have more common sense than to get into a complicated situation like this. The sad part is that the person who suffers for this more than the two people who created this mess is this baby. I know so many adults who are emotionally and mentally screwed up because they have issues because of the relationship with there biological father or the lack there of. How can you be so selfish. This man is a liar and a cheat, and he will not be any better to you and your child than he is to the wife and child that he already has. I am not a very religous person but I do beleive that what goes around will come back to bite you on the ass, your lover boy got his and soon you will get yours. This whole issue comes down to a lack of respect... he did not respect his wife, you did not respect his wishes, you or him do not respect your bodies( to hell with birth control what about diseases), you do not respect his commitment to another women, and at the end of the day he will not respect you for being just as deceitful as he is. I sincerely hope that you find a way to compromise with him and do what is best for this child. This child is being born into chaos as if we do not have enough to deal with as human beings. I am sure he or she will thank you.
Good Luck (Not you, the baby).
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't want just visitation. He wants 50/50 time. I can't stand the thought of his wife having anything to do with my child though.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2007):
 The first poster is all wet. Of course you have done something wrong and you know it. You tricked your married lover into fathering a child by lies and deceit. You did it in hopes that you could hang on to him and used the poor baby as your carrot. The only way out of this mess is for you stop seeing and sleeping with the cheater. If you decide to keep the child, allow him visitation but you make yourself scarce when he's with the child. You need to clean up your thinking and start focusing on the innocent life you are about to bring into this world. I don't think you need or deserve sugar-coating on this one. Sorry but you've acted despicably.
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reader, betty boop +, writes (18 December 2007):
first of all you need to leave that man alone you should have never been dealing with a married man anyway that's crazy but now since you are pregnant let him see his child but leave him alone you need to find you someone who loves you plus if he cheated on you with his wife he will do the same to you sister!!!!
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reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2007):
No it's not right. You need some serious psychiatric help. What you did, first be seeing a married man, then by malicious means get pregnant. I hope that somewhere within you, you can find the truth that what you did was not right. There is not even one little piece of your behavior that I consider to be at all the right way to act.
As the natural father, he has the right to see his baby, that's by law. If I were the legal authority there, he'd have more right than you to raise the baby, and have you the visitor. You have no right to dictate weather or not he stays with his wife. That's not even a requirement to visit children. Stop thinking of yourself and think of your child. In the best interest of a child, doesn't have to do with the best interest of the parents. When you go to court, let them know how you lied about being on birth control. You deserve the legal charges for acting in malice and with an intent to deceive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This can all be boiled down to one sentence you wrote: "I'm having a difficult time walking away from him."
If this was truly about you just wanting to have a baby by him, so that you had some part of him with you for the rest of your life, you would not have told him about the pregnancy as you had originally planned. This, however, is not about the baby at all, this is about wanting to be with him.
Think about this, you saw this guy for two years and after he broke it off and you started seeing each other again and the joy was gone, you then decided you wanted a baby made out of love? I think more likely you wanted to get back the love you thought you had with him before his wife found out, and out of desperation tying him to you through a child seemed like the best way to hold on to him. Children made out of love are made between two consenting adults that are interested in the future of the child together. Think about that. You have forced him to father a child he did not want, and deceived him to do so. That is not loving.
He's not off the hook either, he was double-dipping for his own reasons, and even after his wife found out he returned. Perhaps you felt he owed you something, that he was married but would eventually leave his wife for you. Maybe you thought after you got together the second time round he would then finally leave his wife for you, so you ratcheted up the stakes and told him about your pregnancy. But the truth is, he may just have been filling a need (sexual or otherwise) he was not finding with his wife, nothing more... and he still wants to be with his wife, not you.
This behavior is selfish, manipulative, and irresponsible. And now you have another life on your hands. How would you like to be told you were conceived through a deception your mother pulled on your father, who was married to another woman? And you would never see your father because your mother couldn't handle having him in her life without having him completely in her life. Get your head out of your butt, maybe you were just a booty call. Grow up and live with it, either have an abortion or put the child up for adoption, sever ties and find someone that really loves you, or have this child and allow it time with its father, a right he deserves. But DO NOT use this new life as a tool to manipulatively satisfy your own emotional needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): You have made a child with this man. It is not fair to him or the child to keep him from seeing them. It is no longer about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): Hey There.
I am glad Im the first to post a reply as I imagine you will get a lot of negative and critical responses from the holier-than-thou brigade on here!
My view is that it is a shame you were driven to get pregnant secretly, but i can completely understand why you did it. Being in love with a married man is so hard, and really it is the weakness of the man who doesn'y have the courage to make a choice between the 2 women in his life that causes much of the heartache.
He should have broken things off with his wife before starting things with you, but most married men never do that, so the whole thing ends up in deceit and lies and torment.
I really feel for you, I know what it's like to be in love with a married man. The truth is that this man is being unfair to you and to his wife, and he really has only himself to blame.
I hope he now finds the courage to come clean to his wife and that he does the right thing by you. People are too quick to judge the other woman in these cases which is terribly unfair.
Good luck and stay strong. You deserve to have this man all to yourself so don't accept any less than him leaving his wife.
If he doesn't leave her, then you should definitely try and move on and put him behind you. Not easy but in th long run would give you a chance to meet somone who can offer you a proper relationship.
Best of luck and don't let the inevitable critcal postings that will follow this get you down! They don't know you, it's never happened to them and you haevn't done anything wrong.
xxx
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