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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How can I stop caring about relationships and what men think of me?You know, when you have stupid problems and you fight against things you just can't fight against. For instance, I hate society, I hate how society works, and how most people go by with society. I admit I'm a bitter woman, only at 22, which is a shame. But I just want to STOP caring! I don't want to care for relationships, or men anymore, because it seems I think and feel differently than the rest of the population, I swear I feel like I'm crazy or have some crazy mental problems, who knows, but I just dislike how relationships work, especially regarding biology.I wish I could just stop caring about men, about what they think of me, and how I compare to other women. I have other interests and aspirations in life, I wouldn't be bummed if I never get married for instance, but for some reason I keep looking for validation from men, no matter how much validation I can get from myself or friends about more important stuff (like smarts, achievements, talents, personality, etc.), noooo, I still care more about what men think of me physically and whatever. I'm just TOO average, I'm not ugly but I'm not hot, I'll never be hot, I don't stand out! There will always be prettier, hotter girls around me, who will more likely not be bitter and have good personalities. Just cause a person is hot doesn't mean they're automatically lame or mean, so yeah, my looks are a disadvantage. I'm just average, brunette, brown eyes, I have deep dark circles which do not seem to go away (despite no lack of sleep from my part, I also follow a low sodium diet and drink plety of water), small boobs (come on... I'm not stupid, big breasts are obviously better for men), and despite not being fat, I'm thick all over, I'm not cute and petite like other women, big bones DO exist. I hate having a medium/big frame. I have MANY, MAAAAANYYY hot girls who have been both smart and had nice personalities, so what advantage do I have? NONE!!!!I have been happy being single, I just get so bummed because I'm not beautiful and never have been and wish I was really hot to know how it feels because like I said, people might appreciate brains, personality and talents, but mostly in a friends way, it doesn't have the same effect as beauty. Media always shoves beauty 24/7, it's like it was the most important thing in society, and biologically it kind of is, back in the day people mated only based on looks.It's not that I want love or a relationship, it's just that when I'm single, this gets in the way, it's like an instinct. Like if I go out and I get no attention and see other girls getting attention, I feel bad, even if I'm not necessarily craving love or anything. I just hate feeling so ugly.So how do I stop caring about everything, how can I turn myself off relationships and men? It kills me!
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female
reader, Mani241  +, writes (5 March 2011):
You need some cognitive therapy hon. I suffer with the same issues and affected me to the point that I became a recluse and felt anxiety around people because I felt I was being judged on looks. Its a complicated issue and you should try proffesional help if it has bothered you for a long while.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Your logic is off, thats why you're in this self fulfilling prophesy. Your logic goes like this: looks= to be grades in points from 0-10, smartness= graded in IQ etc etc
The real world doesn't work like that. You can't grade people, not can you rank one over the other. People have more depth than that. If you find yourself getting ranked by guys then those guys are immature stupid asses that you don't want to date anyway. A real man values his woman and cherishes her, he doesn't grade her and then leaves when he finds something "better". Same with women. People have more than one or two levels, and levels can't be measured and ranked.
You think that this one girl is more beautiful than you, and smarter, so every guy will want her over you if you were lined up in a row. Guess what? You're wrong. Personality is the key here! If you're a great person or not doesn't matter either, what matters the most isn't who's nicer, smarter etc. Everyone is a happy mix of everything. People choose the one they find to be the best match to themselves, the one they feel chemistry with, the one who gives them that tingling sensation in their bellies everytime they look into their eyes.
Can you rank tingling sensations? No. So there you go, that's my answer to you. My next advice is to not take whatever guy offers himself to you, get yourself some standards and start to treat yourself with the respect you deserve. Raise your head and take pride in yourself.
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A
female
reader, asper14  +, writes (28 January 2011):
I am in a similar state.. And that advice was very appreciated caringGuy.. Its true that you need to love yourself before anyone else can love you... If you feel beautiful and happy.. You will be beautiful and happy regardless of anyone elses opinion.. Because if you can feel that way about yourself (modestly) nobody elses opinion matters as much.. And at the end of the day your opinion is the most important of all. We should never let or want anyone else to define us.. I found that when I let a man make me feel validated it hurt so much more when I was let down.. It crushed me. I didnt like who I was but I felt only happy knowing he did.. But.. You can never trust that. Just yourself.. I still compare myself to other women but I try not to.. I know if I walk somewhere I tell myself over in my mind that im just as beautiful as anyone else.. Eventually you will believe it. And thats where confidence in yourself starts to grow. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Tell me how many arms and legs you have. How many breasts? How are your eyes and ears and nose and mouth? All working?
Watch this and get back to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 January 2011):
I'm sorry you have so little faith in men that you genuinely believe we're that shallow. There is so much more to men than just picking a girl who is pretty with brains. We need to click with the girl in a big way. She can have the looks and the brains, but if she's boring, if we don't click, we won't choose her. Very, very few men just 'settle'. In fact, I've often found that it's women who settle for less far more than men. I'm betting you don't know that many men who will settle for the same crap that women do.
All I can recommend is that you get some kind of counselling. Because if you know your biology, you'll also be aware that there's not way you'll just stop wanting men, or wanting to be validated by them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): tell you what ? You seem smart to me. the fact that you're not a typical 'pretty girl' as you put it, makes you different. and you should capitalize on that.
The more you try or wish to be like them, the more disappointed you will get. You're not like them, so accept it. And trust me its a good thing. You don't always have to look a certain way to be appreciated. Be smart and be confident. and you are good just the way you are.
Of course you care about what a guy thinks about you. Its only natural. But don't give it too much importance. If you accept yourself, people will start accepting you. Its all a matter of Attitude, trust me.
I know its easier said than done, but Just stick to this. You'll be much much better off.
:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Go buy a book called "Why men love bitches" by Sherry Argov....also you should get yourself in a positive support group. You want to start now ridding yourself of these negative emotions or you will be bitter indeed. Also, purchase a book called "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind" by Joseph Murphy. You are what you think about, so you really need to monitor your self talk and what you think about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Hi CaringGuy,
I know men don't expect to have a hot wife or girlfriend, but if they could have a woman who looked like Scarlet Johansson who was also a good girlfriend/wife, they would, wouldn't they? I mean they settle for average women, just because of availability.
I don't want to want relationships anymore. I think I can be happier on my own, without feeling insecure that my boyfriend or husband will always be sexually wanting other women. I can't deal with that. That's a thing I accept. I just can't stop myself from wanting men or validation from them. I feel ugly, because no matter who the guy is, they will always sexually want the hottest girl, and that's biology. Sadly, not all of us are hot. I know a guy can love me even if he's attracted and wants other women sexually, but it feels bad, like a consolation prize.
I just want to be compltetely happy ON MY OWN. I don't want to just give up and put up with the things that bother me, it'd be like resigning.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 January 2011):
There are a few issues here, I'll grant that.
The first thing you need to kind of see is that women have been utterly conned by the media and their own kind. Men are not as judgemental or shallow as newspapers and the old age hard core feminists will have you think. Actually, the majority are extremely forgiving of nearly any supposed 'fault' you care to name. Now there are some men who have this idea women should be like the ones in porn, but seriously, most of us don't give a damn. However, the newspapers and other bitter women (only a small but very vocal handful) will have you believe that man are only interested in skinny girls with big boobs and look like Barbie dolls. Not so. Men do not like woman 'made to order'. We like them to be individual, and we like them to be able to accept themselves.
Your problem is not your looks. It's that you're virtually unapproachable. The one thing men are terrified of is a woman who is totally hell bent on hating herself. No man can deal with that amount of insecurity.
More than anything, you're hell bent on hating yourself. Why? There's nothing wrong with you other than that you've so little confidence, and that you've believed the huge con that man are crap.
You cannot expect a man to validate you, or love you, if you cannot validate or love yourself.
I think you need to see someone professionally, and find out why you dislike yourself so much. You're as good as you think you are, and you don't think you're that good. No guy can make you feel good, because even if you had a hundred men telling you that you were fabulous, you'd still hate yourself because fundamentally it's your own belief that is holding you back. The only real way that you will be able to turn this around is if you get help and find out the exact moment that you turned on yourself so badly.
Don't subscribe to this idea that all men want is a Barbie Doll. Those women that you see in the magazines are just eye candy, not potential wives. We don't want to make porn stars the mother of our children, and the majority of the celebs you see are boring and pretentious.
Go and get some therapy and start to have more love and respect for yourself. Then men will come along and validate you naturally, knowing you'll actually believe it.
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