A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started exchanging messages with someone I 'met' on a internet forum. Completely against my expectations, we still 'talk' about a lot after 3 weeks. The problem is that I didn't tell him my real name and he did give me his. (first names only, though)The reason why is because I had a bad experience as a teen with someone who seemed genuine, but upon learning my name he figured out where I lived and started stalking me. My first name is very uncommon (it's safe to say there are less than 5 people in my country who have the same name) and this makes me much easier to track than other people. Therefore I have chosen a common name as my alias. Now we're getting well acquainted with eachother (for as far as that is possible online) I'm starting to feel guilty about the lie. I'm naturally an honest person, but the transparency of the internet has made me cautious. What do you think, should I tell him or not? If we ever get to meet (which is still unlikely now, but maybe not in the future) I don't want him to think everything I ever said was a lie.
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my ex, stalking, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Don't tell him your real name, but tell him the name he knows you by is just for online chatting. My husband knew me by my online name, and sometimes he will say it now, but it sounds very bitter...he thinks I chatted with a lot of people I guess using that name. Great question by the way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the input! My caution is the reason the messaging happens on a forum and not through a traceable e-mail address. I talk about interests without being specific and I steer clear of other possibly revealing information.
Because of my past, I sometimes find it hard to judge for myself whether I'm being reasonable or paranoid when it comes to these things. Sometimes I need a reality check. You guys were that for me.
I am going to keep my alias unless I find a good reason to stop using it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Three weeks is way too early to provide any identifying information. I belong to a little chat group, only four people introduced to each other by one friend we had in common. I'm sure it was a year before we felt comfortable giving each other our real names. People understand that using an alias is par for the course on the internet. You can't get your privacy back once you let it go. As Tisha said, the alias *is* your name for him. Leave it be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): If it is only three weeks, then no don't tell him your real name. There is nothing wrong in using another name. To be safe online you have to protect yourself. You have already had a bad experience. Why, after that experience, are you letting yourself get involved with someone online again. Use it as a means of light friendship but do not be tempted to get too close to this individual. Be wary. The internet is the perfect environment for crackpots to operate. I'm not saying he is like that, but you do have to be cautious.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I would advise holding off on giving him your real name. There are some extremely damaged people who can act very normally online but if they become upset for some reason, their instability comes out, like your stalker. They are good at masking themselves, like a sociopath would be. You met this guy online 3 weeks ago, you don't really know him personally, I'd counsel you to preserve your privacy for now. There's no reason to feel guilty, you were being prudent. I think continuing to be prudent is the correct path. Better safe than having to seek a restraining order or be subjected to unnecessary harassment.
Your alias IS your name, for him. Just think of it as his nickname for you. Be safe!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2011):
 While I don't usually condone lying, I think if you explained to him exactly what you explained to us, I think he'll understand, as the internet truly requires caution when it comes to online relationships.
But in the future, instead of lying, you have to say the hard words "I'm not ready to tell you my real name yet" for the reasons you just specified.
What you didn't do is lie about WHO you are. You didn't make up a false persona using someone else's pictures or life details. I think you'll be okay with this one.
As for this guy, especially explain the uniqueness of your name and the story of the stalker. Rather than worry that all you said was a lie, I think he'll feel better knowing that your trust level in him has grown. If he knows anything about the internet, he won't hold it against you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 January 2011):
 If you feel you've built up enough trust, then tell him. He'll understand, especially if you explain what happened in the past to make you cautious.
The internet can be a scary and dangerous place. Caution is never a bad plan.
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