A
female
age
36-40,
*ittlelucy
writes:Well this situation is pretty sorted. I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I cheated on my husband while he's away at war! What kind of person does that???? Anyway, here's my situation. Thanks for reading.My husband went away to Afghanistan back in July. He does communication stuff on the base, so he's not like a gunner out on the front lines or anything. Anyways... We had a lot of problems before he left. We fought all the time. After he left, I was sad of course, but it started to fade away and I thought maybe I liked life better without him. I started thinking of getting a divorce. That's where my husband's friend comes in, who we will call "Ben" for the sake of my story.Ben and I started hanging out because he wanted to keep me company and keep me from being sad. But we started to develop feelings for each other. I told him what was going on with me and my husband and at first he didn't want to pick sides, but then he started to say how my husband was an a-hole and I could do so much better and all this stuff. He pretty much just sat and buttered me up and made me feel like my husband was a terrible person.I was getting more and more serious about divorcing my husband. Ben knew it. After a night of drinking at my house (smart, I know), we wound up having sex. At first I didn't feel guilty because I figured I would be divorcing my husband anyway.But now I'm starting to totally doubt Ben's motives (duh), and, after talking with my husband about my feelings, I think our marriage can be saved. Ben is starting to be totally psycho, though, and I caught him trying to get into my emails and actually looking through my phone at my call logs and text messages. It's crazy!Now, all I want is to save my marriage (my husband will be back in January), and get Ben off my back. I definately want to be friends with Ben, but I know things just don't work that way. So how can I let him down without turning him even more psychotic? AND how can I save things with my husband after everything I've done? I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess, but it's too late for that now. Thank you so much for reading.
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cheated on my husband, divorce, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bkzmalicious1 +, writes (16 July 2009):
can i have an update? how did things end up working out for you?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): You, your husband, and "Ben."
All three of you need to know everything now.
You probably need to split up with "Ben" for good. He will probably tell your husband one way or another about you & Ben sleeping together. And even if he doesn't, then you husband still has a right to know he's friends with a two-faced jerk like that. If you don't lay all this out in the open, then your husband is not only getting the wife he thinks he has, but he is also not even getting the friend he thinks he has either.
You can try to sit on this, but it WILL come out sooner or later. Probably at the worst possible time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): my boyfriend who was so "serious" about us just broke it off over a myspace message a few hours after telling me on the phone that i was his everything. (he is in iraq right now on the front lines) i too cheated on him a month or so earlier. i felt so bad @ the time because he was such a 'great' guy. i ended up cheating on him with a man who was also in the military while on an all girls trip. I felt so bad about cheating that i thought about telling him but after talking about it with some friends and family decided to suck it up and tell him when he got home. Now that he completely flipped on me, erased me from his life and went back to his ex after we were together for a while i can say with a straight face that i am honestly glad that i cheated on him. they really do change when they are over there. not that it makes it right to cheat, but maybe it was for the best even if it wasn't with the person you would have liked it to be with. I've never cheated on a boyfriend before let alone a boyfriend who is sposta be doing the greatest duty of all but in all honestly i can understand that they are dealing with things that are beyond our understanding but in the end that gives them no reason to treat us like sh*T. think about it twice, its not worth going back to if you are going to be treated like a door mat. people go through crap everyday maybe some more or some less than others but it doesn't give that person a reason to treat someone they care about like dirt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): When my husband left to Iraq we weren't exactly married yet but engaged... it was the weirdest thing that happened to me. I started to feel as if I wanted to break up with him and that I maybe didn't really love him but more my ex boyfriend. MY friends around me at the time didn't understand how I could date someone so far away and encouraged me to date my ex. Everytime my fiance would call I still felt so detached. It was only denile and feeling so hurt that he left in the first place. I didn't cheat on him but I thought about it. I felt guilty that I removed myself from him. I stoped talking to my ex and decided if I was going to marry my husband that I couldn't be friends with my ex... so ditch the guy. You wouldn't like it if your husband remained friends with a girl that he screwed would you? Then I devoted myself to him completly and told him all about how I was confused when he left. How can anyone blame you for not knowing what it would feel like to be away from him like that. Although you were wrong.. tell him.. tell him that you were afraid and lonely at night and even a bit resentful for him leaving even though it isn't his fault. That's all I can say. When my husband deploys again I'll know what I'm feeling is normal and communicate ALOT more. Because that's the key to staying friends with some one.. communication.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): Look we all make mistakes but they can be forgiven and corrected. Every Marriage has it's share of problems. When their are problems in your Marriage look for strength in God. Always remember What God has put together let no man put asunder.
God Bless your Marriage
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A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (18 October 2007):
I'm confused as to why you'd want to stay friends with "Ben" --- he does not sound like much of a friend at all... if a female treated you like this, would you stay friends??
Get Ben out of your life -- that's the first thing to do. Get him out & out completely. Make it VERY clear that you have no interest in remaining friends or anything else and that you want to work on your marriage --- and that he needs to respect that.
Then decide if you want to tell your husband. I'm an honest person, but I still can't be 100% certain that telling a spouse they've been cheated on is necessary - especially if they won't find out another way. To me, that is putting hurt on them that they don't need to endure. I think that the person who cheated is the one that should have to "bear the cross", so to speak -- it's the price you pay, unfortunately.
If you decide not to tell your husband, just be sure that you are STD-free - go and get a thorough check-up so that at least you're not risking passing anything onto him.
Other than that, learn from this experience, make a commitment to keep your communication with your husband good so this doesn't occur again, and love him with everything you have.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 October 2007):
 How can you save your marriage? You have to tell your husband what you did. All though there is really no excuse for adultery, he may be understanding with you.
You're friend, you'll have to tell him you love your husband, what you did was a mistake and that's it. Let him go. If all else fails let him know you realize his intentions were not to just comfort you.
You may end up having to leave him as a friend. Think about it, you slept with him, he seems a bit obsessed, his intentions were false, and it's recommended to save a marriage the person cheated with has to remain away from the couple who's working on their marriage. You can't expect your husband to remain friends with someone who's screwing his wife. That would be unrealistic.
You're going to have to come clean with him, you're also you'll have to end it with this other guy immediately. The longer your with him the more guilty you seem, and the less likely you husband will be as understanding.
All though I answered your question, don't think for a second I condone what you did. It's not OK. If it was me, I live by a simple principle, cheat and the relationship is immediately terminated.
Good luck, and stay faithful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): Whoa! You've got yourself into quite the little mess. I'm not going to elaborate on how crappy cheating is, cause i'm sure your feeling remorse for it now, but don't be suprised if that costs you your marriage. If you want any chance of having a future relationship with your husband, you have to be honest with him! He deserves the truth! Some people debate breaking bad news to someone whose over there, but I personally think you should give him the curtousy of letting him have time to think on it and make the decision for himself with out any outside influence from your or perhaps family members. The sucky part is you have to be prepared for the choice he's going to make. You have to be aware of the fact, that not only will he come home upset with you and his friend, but he will be a changed man from the war in general! You have to give him all the space and understanding that you kind muster up! Even if it hurts you!As far as the friend goes, if it was only a one time thing then how is this guy being able to look through your phone and your texts, unless your still hanging out with him. It's not like you guys are dating, or are you? He has no reason to be in your house or looking through your things. And if he is doing these things, get a restraining order against him, its that simple. If you want any chance with your husband you need to cut off all ties to his friend! ALL TIES!Good Luck to ya girl...
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