A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ive been dating my gf for over 3 years now, and Ive been extremely faithful this whole time without ever being tempted until now. The last 2 years though have been rough, I havent been excited to see her, or genuinely been as happy as I was the first year in a very long time and I find myself only staying with her because we have a very good sex life, we both enjoy it. But I feel she only wants me for sex too, and I have caught her becoming too good of friends with 3 guys now since we have been dating, mostly from school. I saw her texts and recognized signs, she also confessed to one of them, but in the end always comes back to me and all is good for a short time. She hasn't cheated as far as I know. I feel I have been a very fair bf and given her many chances, and I had not done anything even remotely as close to cheating as her. Then last weekend I went to a collage town with my friends who live there and I end up drinking and dancing with a few random girls the first night. I didnt even think of my gf, cheating never crossed my mind. Then again the next night of drinking I danced with a girl, we made out and then I spent the night in her bed. We didnt have sex, kissing and cuddling is all that happened but I still didnt even think about how this was cheating, even in my own eyes and I did nothing about it. It may have been the alcohol the first night, but the second I was almost sober and well within my limits. My gf is way more sexually attractive than the random girl I slept with, so I know it wasnt lust that drove me to do what I did. I had really good conversation with the girl and we just enjoyed each others company so much that we didnt leave each other, it wasnt based on sex. Knowing that is what I think has prevented me from feeling as much guilt. I am now very conflicted, and a few things have been crossing my mind and I really need to make peace with myself. I have been contemplating breaking up with her for a long time now. Could that thought, along with what she has done to me in the past have desensitized me from feeling bad about what I did? The most predominant thing in my head is how happy and free I felt each night not having to worry about her, she is very protective and I cant even say hi to any girl especially her friends without her interrogating me about evey word we spoke. Its honestly gotten very tiring and even after having many fights over it and me telling her how destructive it is she doesn't change. She remains convinced that I would cheat on her with her best friend if I get the chance and I can do nothing to win her trust. The facts are she is basing her argument on no proof, and I really never did anything, or have any relationship with her best friend. Where as I have proof in text of her telling another guys she liked him. (This was in the 2nd year of dating) The absolute last solution I have considered is telling her everything that happened, but I know it wont end well. Besides the obvious pain we will both feel for breaking up, I fear she would take it very personal and she might lash out in some way. Maybe tell everyone on Facebook or just everyone of my friends who have become her friends too over the years. Any thoughts on my experience? I feel sad thinking about the relationship ending after so long, but there is part of me that thinks it would be for the best. Or is this just me running away from the problem I created? Im confused because I expected to feel guilty since I have always been so against cheating, but truth is I dont.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 I think waiting until Valentines weekend is a bad idea, I know a face to face breakup is the ideal scenario but because you live so far away from each other its not really possible in your case.
Do you Skype each other? The next best thing to a face to face break up would be over skype, as at least you can see each other. When you are in a LDR like this it is ok not to break up face to face, dont let anyone make you feel bad for doing it online or over the phone.
Valentines weekend is obviously supposed to be romantic and breaking up on valentines day, or around that time is pretty harsh. The best thing to do is end it as soon as you can, dont carry on pretending things are ok for another second.
I dont really blame you for what you did, of course cheating is wrong and there never is an excuse for it, but when you are in a LDR, when you dont trust your partner who has clearly hurt you multiple times in the past, and when the love has gone from the relationship - then cheating is not a huge surprise.
As long as you make sure this never happens with any future girlfriend, and you can learn a lesson from this relationship - dont stay with someone when you dont have feelings for them anymore - then I dont think you have done anything terribly wrong here. You are young and have made a mistake, I'm sure all the people on here being critical of you have made mistakes too when they were your age.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I think I know what I need to do now and that is break up next time I get the chance. We live 5 hours away from each other both going to college so finding a way to break up could be easy or hard. She wants me to come visit on Valentines weekend, and I fear that if I go I'll be with her longer because once I'm with her I realize how much we loved each other. When we am apart I feel little to nothing, is that a sign that this is truly over? And she did cheat on her previous boyfriend because she lost interest in him, so that is the root of her jealously that has been pushing me away these past few years. Difference is she had sex with the guy she cheated with, I didnt. I know what I did was still totally wrong, and I will make sure it wont ever happen again to anyone. I'm better than that, its her that I dont think has the will power. She was away on a choir retreat just a few months ago and because there was no where else to sleep she HAD to share a sleeping bag with a guy. I forgave her for some reason. For those of you who think Im a piece of shit for cheating, she has been doing this constantly for years and its chipped away at my faithfulness which I used to pride myself for. I have forgave her and then had to sit through countless arguments based on her jealousy. The next argument if there is one, will be the first where I truly had done something wrong. She just isnt worth it to me anymore, not when she cant hold her own end.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 February 2013):
 What should you do now? End it. Simple.
If you don't even feel guilty then it is already over.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 February 2013):
This pretty much says it all:
"I find myself only staying with her because we have a very good sex life"
You are only with her for sex, and because you dont know any better having been together so long. You admitted that with these other girls you have met recently you were not as physically attracted to them as your girlfriend, however you found that you really enjoyed their company and the conversation.
Imagine if you met a girl who you were both really attracted to AND loved her company and the conversations you had together - that is the girl you should be out there looking for, that is the kind of girl you will be with forever. NOT your girlfriend.
You already know that she is not fulfilling your needs emotionally, the physical side is fine but I think you are learning there is more to life than sex and you want more from a relationship.
The best thing you can do is end this, but dont tell her about the cheating. She is paranoid that you are going to cheat because of what she did in the past - this is common behaviour from cheaters, they know what they did was awful and dont want the same thing to happen to them so they become jealous and paranoid. I think if you tell her what happened she will become vindictive and nasty, and there will be a whole heap of drama.
Instead just sit her down, face to face, and say that you think the relationship has run its course and you dont want to be with her anymore. Tell her that you have grown apart and dont have the same feelings for her anymore, be honest and say that things havent been the same since the first year of being together and you are not happy anymore. Make it clear that you are moving on and it is 100% over, dont give her any hope with the corny line 'I hope we can still be friends' because that just complicates matters.
I know it is sad to see a relationship end after a long time of being together, but you are so young and you need to get out there and experience more than this. You are wasting your time and hers by staying together just for the sake of it, you will both be free to meet people who can fulfil all your needs rather than just one particular need (i.e. sex).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Your just making excuses for yourself.
You should be ashamed, you have completely betrayed the person you apparently care for.
I think cheating is far worse when it is full of emotions and not just about sex.
You deserve everything you get, you can't just cheat and expect to get away with it such a coward in my opinion.
You say she's stayed with you just for sex but it sounds like that's why you have stayed you practically accuse her of cheating this is called projection.
I'm not going to tell you how to feel better but how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
Set this poor girl free and let her be with someone who is going to respect her and has a shread of integrity.
What do you take from this? Well you should grow up. Don't enter another relationship until you are really ready. And if you find yourself in the same situation in the future leave the person first rather than make excuses. I've heard them all there are so many posts on here from people trying to justify their selfish actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): The damage is already done. Just break it off with her. What you did was wrong, but you don't feel guilt or care, so just break up with her. Regardless of what you've been through the past two years did not justify what you did, but you did it anyway, and again with no guilt. Move on and go your separate ways...the relationship has run it's course. Time to put on your big boy pants, and at least do the right thing and tell her its over. She does not need all the sorted details of your mistake, nor do you need to be immature and spread it all over facebook or to anyone else for that matter.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Don't tell her about the other girl. It'll create all kinds of stupid drama. Instead tell her you're done and do it in a civil way like in a public place over coffee. Tell her what you've learned dont dig into her personality. Or state why you feel a breakup is needed. Avoid booze man come on pal be smarter next time. Not only does that stuff prevent muscle growth but also impairs judgment significantly. Pick up the pieces here and do some learning. You'll be all right man. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Your relationship has run it course. You need to set her free and move on.
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