A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my fiance with a guy we both use to work with. My fiance and I are no longer together. I am no longer working with the guy I cheated with. My ex fiance is also no longer working there. I really like this other guy a lot. So my question is do you think that it would be okay for me to pursue a relationship with this guy. I don't know how my ex fiance would feel about it. We all knew each other and worked together for a long time (Ive known them for 5 years, they known each other for 7 years) and we all still have mutual friends. So if I were to start seeing this guy i'm pretty sure my ex would hear about it. Is this guy off-limits?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): How long its been since you broke up with your Fiance is the key thing here. If its recent feelings are bound to be hurt, you were engaged to be married after all.
But at the end of the day, nobody owns anyone else. You are perfectly entitled to start a relationship with anyone you want.
However I think we are not getting the full picture here. You dont mention whether you have discussed this with the guy . Perhaps the excitement of the affair was what he was looking for, it is a big step to go from an affair to a full blown relationship. You might find he is less than enthusiastic, us guys are notoriously cowardly, we dont like rocking the boat and if you both have mutual friends I think this will play a big part as people arent stupid and will probably put two and two together and figure out it was you two who caused the split in the relationship (whether thats true or not ) oh, and being female most people will blame you - which is unfair but for some reason always happens.
We men are also notoriously mysogynistic when it comes to who is to blame for an affair. Don't be surprised if your ex lover suddenly sees you as not worthy of having a relationship due to your past infidelities.
In any event, good luck, personally I wouldnt go down the route you are contemplating, it will be a painful road and unless you both are madly in love it will be a very stressful time for all concerned.
A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (4 October 2007):
 I think you can persue him if that is who you really want but not right away, if for no other reason then to save face. You should take some time and show your new man you don't jump from guy to guy...not to act disinterested but you don't want to start off a new relationship when the man knows you cheated because he will think you will do it again. It will go sour with jealousy real quick. Can't tell ya how many times I've seen it thrown in peoples faces when conflict arises. If you do be with this guy, you have to prepare yourself for being the 'get around girl' in there group of mutual friends. That's not a good spot to put yourself in. If you feel that passionate about it, you better be 100% sure you both give each other what you want and need or run the risk of cheating yet again. I hope I've given you alot to think about, and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Being with that guy means that your cheat will eventually become public knowledge as it will become part of your story together. Assuming your ex does not know yet, are you ready for the reprocussions? You and the new guy may very well lose some friends over this. He might be seen as a home-wrecker and you a whore.
On the issue of trust, do you think he could ever trust you, as he might already see you as untrustworthy, or just a good time girl, but not relationship material.
If you are willing to risk being used by him, and risk losing your social circle, then yeah, go for it. You are not in a relationship anymore, so you can date who you want.
That being said...if there is any chance that you your ex will get back together with him knowing about the cheat and STILL taking you back, then you might want to give it a little more time.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, On Cloud9  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 I am inclined to say no, he is not off limits to you.
I assume that you have been finished with your fiance for some time and he is not friends with this guy, so he doesnt really feature in this equasion anymore.
I couldn't say how he would react, but it is likely to be quite uncomfortable for him, especially as he was the guy you cheated on him with, but you cannot undo that and if you sincerely like this guy then you should pursue happiness with this guy - you never know he could be 'the one' and why shouldn't you deserve that chance. You made a mistake but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.
You both could continue to be sensitive around your ex. Don't cause him any unnecessary hurt. I don't know what kind of relationship you have now with him, but you may wish to tell him yourself, rather than him finding out from someone else. Whatever you decide to do - I wish you luck
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
I'm guessing you don't have friendly relations with your ex fiance? If you do, you could ask him how he would feel about it. (But I think you probably already know the answer to that!)
Have you spoken with the guy you're thinking about dating? Do you think that he would feel awkward dating you in this sort of situation?
It also depends on how long you have been broken up with your ex. When you two broke up, did the topic ever come up? (Not sure if your cheating was what actually made you guys split...)
As long as you are okay with it, the guy you want to date is okay with it, and your ex (if his feelings mean anything to either one of you) is okay with it, then there's not a problem.
I know that my advice is not really too helpful, but it seems like the people you should be asking are those who are actually involved in your situation.
Take care.
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