A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Twisted story..I need some advice please read story!!I will try to sum it up. I cheated on my husband at the beginning of the year and admitted to the affair about 2 months ago. He was hurt and of course mad but since then we have been trying to patch up our marriage to make things work so I thought. Two weeks ago I went to the doctor and found out from the affair I may have contracted herpes; which I am getting a 2nd opoinion I also admitted this to my husband due to he may have contracted it to. Of course he was mad livid to the point of asking for a divorce. I cried and cried to him that I was sorry and never meant for this to happen and begged him to work it for us and our child. After me and spoke about it he said he would give us another try because he still loved me and didnt want my son to grow up in a broken home and agreed to get counseling and willing to accept the fact that he may have it and willing to deal with it and forgave me. He also asked for me to be there at this surgery. Which I was every day for 2 days by his side. Last night was flipping through his emails as he instructed to find a confirmation on a billpayment and found some emails to his female co-worker about how he missed her and wanted to see her and she missed him and was calling him sweetie and she wanted to be with him and would text him later on.I conforted him about it and said that it was nothing just wanted to feel wanted because of the whole situation with the affair and he never slept with her or went to her house. I explained to him these emails were sent out just 5-6 days before he told me that we were supposed to be working it out. Should I be mad and condone him to cheat. Now I feel like he wants revenge and I want to say forget our marriage, because this is getting petty I dont trust him now and according to those emails him working it out is a lie. Do I have a right to be mad.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jade Harmony +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Sounds like a sticky situation. I understand you're in between a rock and a hard place because of your previous affair. But if he made that decision to "forgive" you and move on with you , he has no right to cheat on you out of revenge. At the same time, however, you should be tolerant towards him as he was towards you. I've seen something like this happen with my brother and his wife. He traveled all the time and cheated first. She was at home lonely and resentful and cheated but still denies it. By this time, they were married for 15 years with 2 kids. To sum it all up, they went through counseling and are going on 20- something years of marriage. I know it was extremely difficult for them and my sister-in-law would still snoop through all his stuff because of trust issues for many years. As for me, personally, I couldn't do it. I was married to someone who was mentally and physically absent all the time and I'm pretty sure he cheated too. I just never went through the trouble of "catching" him because I stopped caring and found me someone who loves me. (Boy, that was ugly but I'm glad it's behind me.) So anyways, ask yourself... how BAD do you want to save your marriage? Do you really feel that you love him UNCONDITIONALLY? Are you willing to put up with resentment towards you for cheating and maybe his lashing out sometimes in revenge? Are you willing to go to counseling (if not for the both of you at least for yourself so you can deal with this?) In your kind of situation, you need tools to help cope with your many different feelings and emotions such as anger, hurt, insecurity, fear, etc. You will need tools to teach you how to communicate and listen as well. You will also need something to facilitate your healing from this (as well as his.) Read books, get a therapist, go to church (if that's your cup of tea), or meditate, etc. Whether you stay or go from this relationship, it doesn't sound easy. Just try to find a state of peace even if it's just for a few minutes. Relax, reflect,and try to separate yourself from the lower emotions like fear, anger, etc. Find the strength within you. Then ask your inner self what you really want and go with it. To love someone doesn't always mean to stay with them if you are not happy. But if you are willing to put the past behind you, and fight for love that's wonderful too. Trust that the outcome will be for the highest good of all. Love and peace to you!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Hi,
I think your relationship is in serious trouble as neither of you can trust each other anymore. Your husband's infidelity is not excusable but by the same token it is in response to your infidelity and passing a communicable disease to him as well - I think most marriages would struggle to survive that.
So instead of asking him the difficult question "have you been cheating on me" , you need to start thinking about saving your marriage if you both are still committed to making it work. Start today as Day 1. Sit down and talk and decide whether you both want the marriage to continue or do you only want to stay together for the sake of your child. If it is the latter, I'm afraid it is not going to work as neither of you are able to resist temptation and I've met too many people who grew up in families where their parents didnt love each other - it often leaves them with severe trust issues and is not healthy. There must have been some reason for you to cheat on him in the first place, so perhaps you are only staying together for the child?
good luck anyway
good luck anyway.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Look, of course you're going to be mad, and hurt...thinking the person you trust most in the world is lying to you, cheating on you, thinking of another is just about as awful as it gets. I am not trying to be harsh - but has this MAYBE given you some tiny insight into the pain your own affair has caused your husband?
What I suggest is that you take this insight, and this pain that you feel at his 'possible' betrayal and use it. Go to your husband and tell him that you don't want to loose him, that you realise now how important he is/ how important your marrige is...and that you want the two of you to try and work through the issues that lead to your affair, and that have come as a consequence of it.
It sounds to me that you do both love each other - but that there is alot of anger, hurt and resentment that is taking it's toll on your relationship. I think getting the help of a counsellor is a very good idea - to have someone to assist you be able to talk constructively about the various issues and articulate the layers of emotions you both have. Hopefully you will then be able to look at strategies to move forward, rebuild the relationship etc. It will take alot of work given that you have both had your trust shattered - but it is possible.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Not really no, after all, what is good for the goose is good the gander isn't it?
Yes it is getting petty and frankly if you had an affair and then he has an affair then you might just have to accept that things are over.
He does not have the right to cheat because you had an affair BUT at the same time you hardly have a right to be mad about it unless he can be equally mad about yours.
Why isn't him saying sorry enough for you when you saying sorry was supposed to be enough for him?
That is the problem with having an affair, the cheating itself hurts a relationship of course but it is the aftermath, the lack of trust, the need for revenge on the one hand and the need to be able to forget about it on the other that often breaks a relationship in the end.
Him having an affair as well isn't the answer, apart from anything else what about the feelings of the other woman?
I really have no easy answer, cheating is the major reason for divorce for a reason.
If possible, accept that it takes more then saying "I am sorry" and crocodile tears to restore a relationship after cheating. What it takes? Good question. Time sometimes does the trick.
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