A
female
age
36-40,
*ovehater
writes:I'm not sure what I should do....I cheated on my fiance with a co-worker. We are supposed to get married in 6 months. While he's the one who has cheated in past relationships (not ours that I know of), I am the one who screwed up now. I am confused for several reasons. I feel so entirely bad about myself, how I screwed up my life, that I hurt him, etc. Basically, I talked to my best friend about it. She said while she thinks there are issues in our relationship, not to tell him about the cheating because then I will only be relieving my guilt. Also, she thinks I should not marry him because even though it was a mistake, that this happened for a reason and that I need to address it before getting married.As far as my co-worker goes, he is my best friend in this city that I moved here for my fiance. He said he loves me, wants to marry me and that we have a great friendship which we do. He knows about my situation with my fiance and agrees it was not right to cheat (it has only happened once). But is begging me not to get married bc he is divorced and if there is ANY doubt that I should not do it. (my fiance was married before too)I am so confused, sad, angry at myself, guilt ridden. I am not a cheater but did the one thing I thought I was immune from. My Mom cheated on my Dad in their marriage and I really hate cheating. I guess I know the answer is I need to end it with my fiance. I do have feelings for my co-worker and I probably should address that before taking the step of marriage. But I also feel like I am ending it with my fiance solely because I cheated and I feel like a terrible person. Like I wish I had not done this so that I can go on and get married and do the things I was so excited for. House, kids, etc. Please help. I hate myself for this
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Cheating was not the way to go certainly. i am not sure how could u get physical in your situation..
but now you need to just stop all contacts with both and ask yourself what you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): You cheated because you have huge feelings for your co-worker, and your conscience told you that would be an easier way to cancel any future plans with your fiance, including marriage, and switch to being with this other guy. It's hard to admit, but it's alot easier to have a solid reason for not getting married than just, "I've found some other guy I like, so bye." Cheating was your sure ticket out, so don't feel bad. It's better than choosing your path anytime after you get married..
This is the path you chose, so as badly as things may turn out with the co-worker, follow through with your affair and own up to it. You've already chosen the path by considering the co-worker your best friend and lover over your fiance, so why feel guilty? The only thing you should feel guilty about is not telling your fiance how you really feel and what you're really doing, and going ahead with any plans with him. That would be worse than cheating, since you respect your lover more than your fiance, so it would be wrong to lie about it, and work backwards just to save face.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Well, at least you understand what you did was "wrong". You feel remorse and regret.
I would say your friends advice isn't half bad. However, I think you need to fess up to your fiancee, cancel the wedding and move out on your own.
Also, hopping from one guy to another, is not a good idea, so after you break up and move out. Take it slow, take some time to figure out WHY you cheated. Own your actions.
Cheating don't "just happen".
PS House and kids should not be the primary reason for getting married.
Good luck,
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2010):
Okay. This is a mess. However, thankfully you have a VERY sensible best friend who is all there. So I hope you're grateful for her. She said pretty much what needs to be done here. You need to stop the marriage before it happens. Your friend is right. It happened for a reason. Maybe you're not ready, maybe your finance is not the man for you, or maybe, as I suspect, you've learnt this behaviour from your mother who also cheated. So, first of all, end the engagement.
Secondly, don't believe a word your co-worker says. He hasn't really got a clue how feels. He can't just love you after a quick affair, and basically I think his head is in the clouds on this one. If you went with him, he'd suddenly come back to earth and ditch you, or he'd cheat on you or you'd cheat on him (that's usually how these things end).
So, end your engagement and focus on your own life. Work out why you had an affair. Are you like your mother? Did you pick a man who was unsuitable. All sorts of things need to be answered, and only you can do it. And listen to that friend of yours as well. Sound advice.
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