A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do. I am very seriously considering getting involved with a much older man. He is in his mid-40s and I am turning 18 in the fall. Obviously we have to wait to see each other; we are currently just talking online. The age thing freaks most people out, but I don't see it as such a big deal. After having talked to him for a while I believe he is completely genuine in his intentions, isn't using me, and will love me and treat me well. But I am very hesitant about this, I keep getting scared for no particular reason. A few days ago we were talking mildly dirty, and it was fun up to a point, and then out of the blue I got freaked out and wanted to stop RIGHT NOW, it was too much to handle. He stopped, of course, and has since apologized a number of times (even though he didn't really do anything wrong). I just keep asking myself, what am I doing here? Why am I doing this? Is this just a normal case of cold feet? Also, he does one thing that really bothers me: he is constantly friending scantily dressed women, like nearly every day there's a new one. He tells me that he is in love with me, that he wants to be a one-woman man, and that he will be completely mine. He has also asked me not to try to break up his friendships with other women, because they are only friends and no threat to me. I don't mind if he has female friends, but I don't understand why he keeps seeking out these girls with suggestive photos he has never met before - can't pass those off as 'friends.' Do all men do this? Should I be worried? Basically, I feel like I am in a little over my head. I believe that he loves me but I also don't want to be just his midlife crisis. What do you think? (sorry about the long, rambling question.)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Young lady, why don't you find you a nice strapping young man, with a good job, good family background, that doesn't have anything like PTSD or something of that nature ? You sound wonderful and beautiful, so I am sure finding and keeping a nice handsome, muscled up young guy, who is able to provide you with all your needs and then some. Leave the 40's something guy alone, he doesn't probably even know what he wants.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): Sounds like this guy is the real deal, and is testing you to see your reaction.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): If he really LOVES you, then his direction will not be to get you in the sack. And alot of men look at scantily clad women, us single guys not yet married do that, right or wrong, we do it (and since I am getting closer to Jesus, that has so greatly changed in my life, I am finding my old way of life is being replaced with the new wonderful walk with Jesus) If he LOVES you, he will change his practices of doing such things. If he LOVES you, it will not be about the dirty talk and the sex, it will be a friendship first, and then, if he LOVES you, then there might not be any dirty talk at all. It sounds like you need to heed the other advice already posted, and forget this guy. True love, breaks age barriers, is true, however, you are still a minor, so you should avoid the situation entirely. If it is true LOVE, then he will be a gentleman about everything, and do his best to change whatever practices he has had in the past, and show you that he really LOVES you, and wants YOU and YOU ONLY. This takes time, is not an overnight jump. If he is pushing you, of all things, goto a motel, cut it off NOW. If he is truely in LOVE with you, he will show respect to you and your family, and community. True LOVE you cannot hide. Pray about it, and err on the side of caution, if you err at all. He may be searching and desiring you for his one and only, and if he is, he will move mountains just to be beside you in the company of family and friends, without even touching you. New International Version (©1984)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4
Find out what his priorities are. Are you his main focus? Or does he have a relationship with Jesus, that is his main focus ? If he has a relationship with Jesus, and you do not, then ask Him (Jesus) into your life and ask Him to guide you. If you do, and he does not, then truely pray about it with all your heart, mind and soul, and take others advice, especially your parents (if they are conservative and cautious, etc), and be cautious yourself. If not, then heed the advice of your grandparents if you have them, or other family members and lastly (and the counselors on here should be on the bottom of your list, since they don't know you, err on the side of caution is what I am wanting you to do) counselors on here.
True love takes time, is not overnight, and sex is not the main thing. If he truely LOVES you, now I mean LOVE not LUST, sex will not be the topic, goal, conversation, in any shape or form. If he slips up, is one thing, such as a slip up out of a weeks worth, one slip up. And if he slips up and he knows it, and quickly switches direction, you know he knows he has goofed, and is correcting his life, and wants you and everyone else to know that he is correcting his life. Once again, caution is the rule. Heed the advice of the ones already posted, and listen to your parents and friends, and err on the side of conservatism. If he loves you, time will tell the truth of the matter. Patience is a virtue, and you appear to be a virtous young woman, your young, why get in a hurry ? And, he might be having difficulty with the situation, seeing as how you are not yet 18 and he is in his 40s. He may be doing severe battle with his own self, his own situation, his own past mistakes, and he may be exploring hundreds of possibilities of why you two should NOT BE TOGETHER, and yet wants to find friendship first. My final analysis, if he can't be friends with you, your family, your community, and if he doesn't want you to be friends with his family, then there is only one piece of advice, and that is DROP IT NOW. You have to be friends first, and there will be no meeting of you two alone anywhere for any purpose at any time. If he loves you, he will want to spend time with you and your family, not just get you alone. The person you are, ecompasses your family, and if he really loves you, he will want to get to know your family. And until your mom and dad and other family members (brothers and sisters) and especially if you have grandparents, on both sides, give both of you their blessings, then it is no touch not ever, not even hold hands, since physical contact can stir any man. If any, ANY, ANY, of those, say "no way no how, DROP IT (after meeting the man and really finding out what is going on). Something else you have to consider, is that he is 40s, and has obviously lived and had experiences you have not. What if he has difficulties in his life, that he has never really dealt with? Are you prepared to deal with those ? Has he been in the military or anything of that nature that would have him dealing with PTSD ? If he is, be prepared for him to seek time alone from you, it may not be far, maybe 50 feet, but he will have issues that he himself does not know how to handle. That is my opinion. I pray Jesus leads you, and you do what is right for you in the long run. True love is the greatest thing in the world, just make absolutely sure that it is true LOVE, if for no other reason, than out of respect for your parents. And another thing, he may just be wanting and desiring friendship, it may be something that he has not had in a long time, if ever. If that is the case, friendship is not about anything sexual of any sort. I hope I have been a help, God Bless, JESUS LOVES YOU.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 July 2010):
 There are laws against men having sex with minors and laws against sexual predators for a reason because young girls like yourself are extremely naive and trusting and do not have the life experience to make good judgements.A mid 40's man puruing scantily clad women that he has never met before on the internet and is telling you not to interfere because he is a one woman man is clearly, blatantly lying...you can SEE the evidence but yet you LISTEN to the words. That is what a skilled psychopath is able to do with the vulnerable, weak and gullible.He's a predator, he's dangerous. He enjoys the thrill of grooming you and gaining your trust and getting you to accept more and more extremes in his behavior. First the dirty talking, next it will be touching, next it will be getting a hotel room and so on, and when he gets what he wants he will dump you and move on to someone else or he will play mean and cruel mind games and put you down to maintain control over you and the relationship.It isn't a normal healthy man who is 45 and wants to be with a 17 year old. He's a pervert, he's got poor social skills and can't maintain healthy relationships with women his own age, but in fact he may be married to an unsuspecting wife who is miserable at home with him.Stop communicating with him...delete your social profile account for awhile until you learn how to set healthy boundaries.All those second thoughts and feelings that are telling you to stop RIGHT NOW is your gift of fear, your body is telling you to flee to be afraid, be very afraid, and you are telling yourself that you are being stupid, have cold feet and he is really a nice guy. Don't do that, listen o your gut your gift of fear and stop denying it. It is very important not to squelch that instinct. Sometimes God tries to give us a message and if we don't hear it or don't want to hear it then the message will get louder and louder until it hits you right over the head.You are in danger.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Hi. If you can trust advice from someone who: 1- is older than you, and 2- passed for a very similar situation is almost ruined my life, trust me: stop that now.But don't say you're stopping, simply DO. Block him where ever you have contact and just vanish, just like that.I am not saying this for age reasons, but for what the emotions and mind can do with us.Instead of explaining more, I will say how it felt for me, and you'll see if it sounds like you. When it all started, I wasn't looking for anyone. But it started as friendship and in 6 months we were really connected. It's all nice talks and that warm sensation of being liked etc. And I think it's also because in the past, things were more spoken, and now that they are written, men have more courage to express.Then we get all the excitement and think they are the men of our life!!He COULD be, but please go more slowly. He may say he loves you, but you don't even know each other. I used to spend hours talking (we work in the same company, different countries!) and left friends behind, blocked everyone, all I did was talking with him and working. Nothing else. I felt TOTALLY in love for him (and he didn't even say he loved me, although I know he likes me a lot, he says that). I spent lots of money and came meet him, 3 times (but in the third, he didn't want to see me!!! yeah, he was coward...)Anyway, consider that they may say things, but when it's reality, they get afraid, and we are already in love.I still love him and I am afraid it won't pass. In my case, all my life changed, and it passed 18 months, and now I feel that I can never be happy again. Although I was happy before him and he never actually gave me anything more than chats!Sorry it's long, I want you to know what to expect. It is not impossible. I still dream that I will be with him someday.But you are so young, probably knows lots of other people. Don't do like me. meet REAL people. Meet people of your age.And about his behavior regarding women, pics etc... "Mine" is just the same. And it bothers me, but I understand him. But it's things that I wouldn't accept from other men, before. So what I mean is: it's about whether or not this is "natural" for men to do. It is about how YOU feel about it. In your question, you say many more negative things than positive. So be honest with yourself.I know this attention, the talks, the "going into intimacy and cumplicity" with each other enchants us. But be careful. It can be a big illusion, and you don't need to suffer in the end.(I am starting therapy this week, to get out of a real depression that resulted from all that I told you. It was much more, but would be a book to add here)GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): I'm in the same situation. I keep getting cold feet too, chickened out of meeting twice, and he's driven really far and booked a hotel room!! Do you let your friends know? I don't!!
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