A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im married, with two kids. I did the dumbest thing in my life. I cheated on my wife after 7 years together. I was stupid, feel like scum and have this knot in my stomach that will not go away.To make things worse, I started with a condom and sometime during the exhchange ended up without one. The other woman wasnt showing any std signs, said she hadnt been out in 3 years, and had other kids of her own. She said her relationship was complicated which leads me to believe either she was also married or at least unavailable outside of that night.I know the responsible thing to do would be to man up and fess up. I dont think i can do that. It would destroy her. She is always bragging about how she doesnt have to worry about me to her friends, and how she trusts me more than anyone else she has been with. She has told me in the past she would leave me if I did something like this. I already know im an idiot, so please dont bring me down even more...I think telling her would ease my conscience, but Ive already been dumb and selfish enough; I know I will NEVER do this again, so telling her would only cause her pain.The reason i am on here is twofold.1. She said she was on birthcontrol (no details), but how long do I need to wait before I am in the clear of not having fathered a kid? If i dont hear from her after 1 month? 2 months? What time would be safe? (I know it takes 10 months but i figured she would tell me before then or at least when she finds out)2. I dont want to risk giving my wife any kind of std. I dont show any symptoms but its only been 6 days. She didnt show any obvious ones either. Will the doc give me treatment if i dont show symptoms to be on the safe side?I told the other woman the next day, that I wouldn't be able to keep talking to her; as I realized that I want to make things work with my wife. I told her at the bar that I was married but that things we complicated (im an idiot). She said she understood, and that if things ever change that she hopes to hear from me someday.Any advice from anyone in similar situations would be welcome.
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cheated on my wife, condom, std Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mmj  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 Of course, we would all want to know but we all like to stare at traffic accidents when we shouldn't. The truth is it probably won't help your wife to know. If you won't ever do it again and are sti free, why tell? You are just doing it to relieve your own guilt. Put it out of your mind like it never happened. Unless subconsciously you want out.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 You cannot just take a pill to cure all STD's and hope that it goes away. There are so many different ones, many with no symptoms at all. Be responsible and get checked and don't sleep with your wife until you are clear.
I could tell you to do the decent thing but I doubt you will listen I just hope you don't give her more than a broken heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): My jaw hit the floor when I read the male anon's advice.Your doubts aren't baseless because the condom broke and you don't know for sure she's on the pill.Why is the woman automatically promiscuous? The OP only cheated with one woman so it's likely he is HER only lover other than her partner. Even if she is and she's pregnant it's is easy as pie to find out who the father is - DNA. Asking a doctor to lie for you breaks their code of ethics and could result in them losing their job so they won't do it. You lying to your wife that you have a urinary infection will worry her. If it lasts more than a few days she'll be urging you to go to the hospital.My sister had an infection that lasted months and she nearly lost a kidney.Using the loads of people cheat defence is pretty lame. Yes they do and they end up getting divorced too.I'm a bit concerned by your final sentence OP. "She said ... that if things ever change that she hopes to hear from me someday." So this isn't necessarily a one night stand for her....
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 "Let the doctor tell her that you have some urinary tract infection so you have to abstain from sleeping with her till you are cured. "
I don't think doctors go the professional mile to lie. What is morally right about wanting to involve others. His wife has rights, and that right is to know who it is she is married to and what he is capable of. While the lie continues so does the affair, perhaps not physically but the deception does and will deepen as time goes on. Rip off the bandaid now sooner than later because by then it may be to late. Make your bed, you lay in it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): For a change here is a more cheerful view OP. To start with according to statistics most men and a sizable percentage of women cheat at least once in their life time so you are not a freak my friend. First thing dont tell your wife. If you do you will be clearing your consience but imagine the torment and heartache you will cause her. Let us take the pregnancy issue first. She has told you that she is on the pill yet she is a single mother or in a complicated relationship. This means she is premescious or atleast she is sleeping with other guys also,so if we assume for arguements sake although I dont think it is a possibility, she is pregnant,she has no way to know from whom it is. As for fear of std, I hope you havnt slept with your wife after the incident. You should see your doctor ASAP and have the tests and refrain from sleeping with your wife till the situation is cleared.Let the doctor tell her that you have some urinary tract infection so you have to abstain from sleeping with her till you are cured. To be honest I think your doubts are baseless but none the less see your doctor to be on the safe side.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2016):
 I know siblings who found out 50 years after Dad's "indiscretion" that they had a half-sister. Dad was dead, and it has been a very upsetting time for his children . I guess Dad was basically an awful person.
If you're not an awful person, I'd suggest seeing your doctor STAT, getting yourself to a counselor and finding a way to tell your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): The thing with STDs that unless its in a very progressed state it wont show. For example HIV does not show at all for many years, and might not show in test results for 6 months.
Though HIV is not as common as people think, only very small percentage of population has it, and you need to be very unlucky to get it if you usually are not promiscius on a regular basis and dont belong to a high risk group such sharing needles using drugs, or sex worker, or you belong to high risk sexual preference group such as male gay.
Withother types such as Gonorea, or similar it takes few days to show any signs. SO, it might not be vsisible but it might be there.
I dont know how on Earth you decided not to use condoms with a total stranger.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2016):
 OP, how come you managed to father two kids without ever knowing that a pregnancy lasts 9 months, not 10 ? You must be a very absent-minded type...
Anyway : you wonder how much this woman could wait to let you know, if she is pregnant . What about, 12 years ?
That's what happened to a friend of mine. He got a call from a woman he had dated for a few months 12 years before : " Your daughter wants to know you" ( Yes they did the DNA test, and yes, the child was his ). Still now, he has not figured out the reason why he was never told. He did not treat badly the woman, they did not part in bad terms... they were casually dating and one day she just stopped being available and picking up his calls, so he shrugged it off thinking " She must have found someone else ", and forgot about it. He is a nice guy, and had he known, although not being in love with the mother , he would never have refused to pay child support, or to be involved in his child's life- but he was not even asked for 12 years. Go figure.
Of course this is an unusual case, but just to say, that if you wonder when can you be sure you are definitely off the hook, the answer is " Never ".
Which, I guess, leaves you no other choice than fessing up and hoping in ( not counting on ) your wife's forgiveness.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 October 2016):
 You need to tell your wife, you're really not doing her a favour, if anything you're doing her an injustice as you've betrayed your marriage vows and think it's okay to sweep under the carpet.
It should be HER decision where the relationship goes from here. You had the balls to cheat on your wife so use the same balls to tell her.
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (25 October 2016):
Sorry, no sympathy from me, Ive been your wife and you sir are a weasel. Man the fuck up and find what ever decency you have left and tell your wife. You don't get to make decisions for her-she does. Bit of a laugh thinking not to tell her is for her own good, it's for you and you only. What fucks me off with cheaters, first timers of not, is no way do I believe that in the time it takes to get your pants down and your cock out or your knickers off that the image of your spouse doesn't pop into your head. BUT CHOOSE TO DO IT ANY WAY..As for STD's what is obvious to you, HIV, Chlamydia, , Trichomoniasis ? Ummm...nope, none. These take a while to detect so what are you going to do when your wife gets frisky, rubber up or potentially expose her so she'll find out about your infidelity that way. I can tell you the lesser of two evils would be to be accountable for your action and take what ever consequences that comes with it.
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female
reader, adelel +, writes (25 October 2016):
I really don’t know much about this scam thing and at the same time , no one wants to be on the losing side . But i just came across this good hacker [email address blocked] who really helped me hack my boyfriend text messages, whatsap, Facebook , Instagram messages remotely..You don’t have to touch his phone while you have access to his conversations through the software he bought and install remotely on my phone , i dont know how he did this but i think he's perfect at it.....you can contact him [email address blocked] him Adele referred you, you will thank me later
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2016):
 1. A pregnancy takes 9 months, not 10. Anywhere from 37-41 weeks is the norm. Birth control can fail. The woman could have lied. So no, you won't know unless the women get pregnant and she thinks the kid is yours. You are old enough to know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancies. And you are old enough to know that it's NOT just the woman's responsibility to USE protection.
2. GO get tested and RE-tested on 6 months. UNFORTUNATELY, you can have gotten HVP from her and there is NO test available for that. HPV can cause cell changes and cancer in men and women. And... there is no cure for HPV. HPV is common in the ENTIRE sexually active population. It's actually more common to have then NOT to have. However, if you didn't have it prior to the cheating - your wife is now fucked too.
YOU owe your wife to tell her. IF she leaves you, well that is HER choice. For you to think you can HIDE this like you "just" stole some cookies is showing how little YOUR wife means to you. SHE has to know, especially since you SHOULD get tested and re-tested for std's/sti's. How else will you explain having to use condoms with your wife? OR, were you just going to have unprotected sex with your wife regardless?
Most people don't show signs of std's, nor to they carry a sign or a tattoo on their forehead and YOU dear OP aren't a doctor so really, YOU have no clue if she had any or not.
How would you feel if your WIFE cheated on you?
Would you want to know? If so why or why not?
Right now everything in your post is about protecting YOUR rear end and not about your wife at all. Kinda selfish, you know?
Grow a set, talk to your wife.
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