A
female
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*elen
writes:Hello all,I ruined my life the other day by cheating on my boyfriend of 2 years. Ive never done anything like it before. Not that this is an excuse but I didnt consciously choose to cheat. I slept at my exes and woke up to him having sex with me. I didnt stop it though when I woke up. Although when he did it a year before I stopped him straight away( he started crying). This time I was drunk. I still really fancy him but never want to get back together with him. Im very angry with him now. I told my boyfriend straight away. He says he can never forgive me. But I had dreams of marriage. He was my best friend and Im crying right now because I miss him so desperately. How can I make it any better? Anytime I start to forget and feel better it all comes rushing back that its my doing why I am miserable. I dont deserve to feel good. Everybody tells me to move on. But I dont want to find some other guy. I'd always be thinking of him. He told me when he used to think of me he would smile. Now he just feels pain. Im pretty sure he loved me as much as I do him. So he's heartbroken too.I want him back. Can he forgive me? It seems like he doesnt want to. Can he ever understand that it was terrible mistake. I make mistakes all the time. How can just one ruin my dreams of holding hands, passionate kisses, marriage and kids forever? Can I ever let that go? Can he?
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female
reader, helen +, writes (31 May 2006):
helen is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanx to everyone for answering. Even if its not exactly what I want to hear. Honestly honestly honestly i didnt instigate the sex. He had gone the whole way by the time I woke up. The first time it happened I stopped it straight away. I didnt do anything wrong that time a year ago. Im not sure why I slept in his bed. But the truth is I never should have. I know its wrong now. I thought it was simply just because sometimes I need a place to sleep. I cant stand sleeping on peoples couches. I was with my ex for years and we are still friends so it didnt seem like a big thing. But maybe I am even more of a bitch than I thought and I was really doing it because Im stringing him along. I hope thats not true. He is a very needy person, always in trouble. Im the only person in his life that bothers to bail him out. And anyway I still have dogs with him so Ive got to see him all the time. Sympathy, duty and dogs keep him in my life, I certainly dont want him back.After all this not only have I lost my love Ive also lost my ex as a friend. I feel very isolated. Hence my turning to the internet.But even if I do manage to get him back, like Yos said, it will never be the same will it?Im not sure I ever will either. I hate myself more than he does. Im the villian this time and I never really have been before. Like the recent ex said "Your not the person I thought you were." Im not the person I thought I was either.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 OK, yo've been with your current boyfriend for two years. You said your ex had tried this with you a year ago too. What the @#%$ are you thinking? How old are you? I'm sorry for being so blunt but come on, what's going through your head. Number one, why were you in bed with him a year ago? Number two, why were you in bed with him again? Where was your boyfriend while you were cheating on him. As for this being rape, I question that. You went ther once and he tried to have sex with you. You went back a second time and he tried again. This time you like it and carried on. I also have a hard time imagining how much work it wold be to take a womans clothes off, and get her into a position for intercourse while she's still asleep. How can your boyfriend trust you, you've cheated twice now. Camille also makes many good points.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 I agree with Camille. I was once the cheater and I was also miserable. Like she said ask for forgiveness let him know that you love him and give him space and time. Thats basically all you can do at this point. If you choose to make it work with him or be with him again then you have to know that the ball is in his court.
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A
female
reader, anastasia +, writes (31 May 2006):
What your ex did was technically rape! You should have reported him to the police, he might be doing it to other girls, he may have done it to hundreds of girls. I think you should move on, start afresh and learn from your mistakes.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 I hate to say this, but for most men what you did really is something that can't be forgiven. Men are pretty much genetically programmed to permanently not trust a woman that cheats on them. It's to do with avoiding the ultimate trap for men (one that is suprisingly common): ending up bringing up another man's child without realizing it. Once you have cheated, this fear becomes permanently awakened.
This is different for women. Women are typically able to forgive sexual misdemeanors more easily that men. It's just the way we are wired, there's no wrong or right about it.
You could try couples therapy. You can try pouring your heart out and being 100% open and honest with him. But I have to be straight, the chance of him being able to trust you again is very small.
I hope it works out for you, it's really an awful situation to be in. Good luck
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Firstly let me say this...whatever happens, you will be ok. It may not seem it now. You have so many emotions and feelings right now as it's raw and new. It may help to try and tackle them one by one. I'm sorry to say the last thing you should tackle is your 'boyfriend'. There are other issue you should be dealing with. Why was your ex having sex with you while you slept? Why did you let him continue when you awoke? If he already did this, why put yourself in that position again? Why did you share a bed with him? In fact, why do you still see him anyway? He's your ex. It sounds like you're feeling guilty but you did the right thing to tell the truth. If you respect yourself & your 'boyfriend' you maybe should ask yourself was it appropraite to share a bed? Turn it round and ask how you'd feel if your 'boyfriend' shared his bed with his ex and ended up having sex with her. You'd be hurt too...? The situation could have been avoided and so sadly the blame is yours, but your ex was having sex with you BEFORE you consented, that's a very serious issue. You say you were drunk. You say you still fancy him. It sounds to me like you enjoy him wanting you but want to be with your 'boyfriend'. Do you really? What is it about your ex that keeps you close? Yet makes you sure you don't want to get back with him? These are questions perhaps you should ask yourself. Your ex isn't to be trusted but I'm sorry to say, it seems neither are you, so you should keep away from him. Give your 'boyfriend' time, it will be hard to regain his trust. But don't beg, reinstate some self respect and just explain, ask for forgiveness again and give him space. If you really wanted marriage, kids etc with this man, ask why you risked that? Fear? Age? Moment of madness? Either way, perhaps you are a long way off being ready for the biggest committment of your life.
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