A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, since I was 23. He is a wonderful person. I love him, he loves me, and we've always worked so well together. We've never had any problems beyond whose turn it is to do the dishes.I had to come to a different country for 10 months for a study exchange programme, and we said this would be the thing to prove our relationship - if we can get through this, we can get through anything. He supported me long-distance (I have anxiety and get very stressed), we talked a lot and things were going fine. He came out to visit me and we had a wonderful time together. But 8 days away from me going home, I slept with my classmate.I'd been getting close to him for a couple of months and playing it down to my boyfriend. In the beginning we really were just good friends, but there was a thrill in developing an attraction to him, and then realising he liked me. I loved the excitement of flirting but never touching, never kissing, always being just out of reach. The chemistry was crazy and addictive. I eventually gave in and kissed him on a day we had plans to go out to a bar to celebrate the end of exams. Although I know I should have called off our night out, I went ahead with it anyway.I knew we'd keep kissing, but it somehow felt so normal. We were acting like a couple. I definitely didn't realise we'd end up in bed though, I never expected it to go that far. But at 4am we were drunk, we were back in my room making out, and I guess by then I felt like "in for a penny, in for a pound". I know one of my failings is being very "all or nothing", like if I plan to eat healthily but end up nibbling chocolate, I'll think "Well, already ruined today, might as well give up and try again tomorrow", and eat half the bar. I also kind of felt like I was living in a different world, like I could live in the moment and put off handling the fallout for the next day. I just wanted that one day of living a different life before I'd have to leave and never see him again.I admitted it to my boyfriend the next morning, who is understandably devastated, and I feel like shit for hurting him. I've tried to read up on how to recover a relationship after cheating, and we've been talking a lot and making plans for moving forward. It feels like we can do it together if we keep communicating. But there's one thing I can't tell him, because it won't help: I miss the other guy desperately. I don't know how to move on. I don't really have any other friends here to distract myself with, and I keep thinking about him. I only have another four days here now, but although I've blocked his number my heart still stops every time I get a text, thinking it's him.He had all these ideas about me leaving my boyfriend and my life at home and coming back here to stay with him, and even though I know it wouldn't have worked out, I keep thinking about that fairy story. He was very confident it would happen. I know logic should trump the heart's mad ideas and I always told him he was being ridiculous, but his confidence made me doubt myself a bit. How do I move on with my life with my boyfriend? Could a therapist help me understand why I felt the need to endanger a perfectly happy relationship? I don't understand why I'm acting this way, like a teenager. I never thought I'd do something like this, and I especially don't understand why I can't just be grateful I haven't lost my relationship and forget the other guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): I feel sorry for your boyfriend, OP. You appear pretty selfish, self centered and entitled.
I was in your position once. Only he was my husband. What did I do? I left my husband before anything manifested with the other guy. Feelings for another person is a wake up call your relationship is over. You are someday going to destroy this good human bring. Poor guy. :(
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 July 2018):
 Suggestions moving forward?
It’s simple, don’t cheat again. I’d say that the situation could happen again due to the fact that you’ve been shown no consequence from your BF. He sounds like a pushover if he just accepts being cheated on and wants to find a way that he can fix where things went wrong. Don’t take advantage of this.
If you’re living together then you shouldn’t feel the need to stray anymore, keep things fresh and exciting by doing interesting new activities so it doesn’t get stale.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): There are too many responses to reply to everything. I don't know if this will show up as me being the OP as I'm using a VPN to access this site (I'm in China). Anyway.
I understand people being appalled at me seemingly comparing cheating to eating chocolate. I just used a bad example to explain how my "all or nothing" thinking manifests itself. A better one would have been deciding in my teens that if I couldn't eat "perfectly" I wouldn't eat at all, and developing an eating disorder. I have had therapy for that and for childhood traumas (nope, I wasn't a spoiled child), and I've decided to get more in September. My university has a good free service. I want to understand myself better and learn how to manage myself more.
Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you all down: I haven't broken up with my boyfriend. He never asked to break up, just wanted to know why this happened and where we could start with recovering from it. It's not in his nature to throw things away, he's a repairer.
We have continued talking, less now about what happened and why and more about the future. We've both admitted to wanting more excitement and we've got ideas for creating it. We will be taking more risks, but together.
We'll be living together with a friend from September (we also did this last year) and that plan is going ahead. We're visiting family abroad together in August. Again, still going ahead. I'm excited about getting home to him. We want to spend time getting to know each other again. We've both recognised we're not the same as we were before I came to China - even with the cheating aside, 10 months is long enough to change a bit - so we have to grow into a slightly different relationship. Suggestions for how to do that would have been helpful, but that's alright. I really didn't mind being yelled at anyway. Have a nice day, everyone.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (5 July 2018):
 And WTF you don't even want him that much! You're still after the other guy??! Did your parents spoil you as a child or something, you haven't learnt ANY sort of restraint.. we can't have everything we want that's not how life works! Opportunity cost mate.. you just want your cake and to be able to eat it, not caring what the kindest thing for him would be!
Let him go, poor guy!
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (5 July 2018):
You are clearly a really selfish person at this point in your life.. as the selfless thing would allow him to move on and find better. You are only worried about getting him back- which is what YOU want. When in actual fact a flaky shallow girlfriend like you is NOT what HE needs.
You're old enough to have some control over your actions.. you do you just decided to sack off any moral qualms and do exactly what YOU WANTED. Regardless of the intense pain it would cause your "loved" one you basically thought eff it, a cheap night of thrills was more important to you then the feelings of someone you profess to "love". You think that's what he deserves?
We had a similar post a while back about an abusive guy who wanted his gf back (she eventually wised up and dumped him) and the whole post was about how he could "win" her back.. poor me, Im so sad I want her back" you see it was all about HIS feelings, when HE was hurting he wants to change things, but what about when he was abusing her how it was affecting HER feelings?
You're doing the same, just thinking about you. Comparing cheating, ya know breaking someone's heart and leaving them with long term trust issues, to breaking a diet day WTF?? I'm not saying you're bad at heart but the lack of remorse, understanding/ not seeming to care what you've done really makes me question your emotional and moral development. So yes, therapy would be a good way to start redeeming yourself.
As for rebuilding the relationship? If he's a sensible guy he won't touch you with a barge pole. If he forgave you how could he ever trust you?? WHY should he have to live in that state of uncertainty? I'm guessing YOU would never take a cheater back, due to the fact you primarily look out for yourself.. Well why should he??
Actions have consequences. This is your punishment- losing him, accept it with grace. You can start being a better person by working on yourself and leaving him to find happiness. Hopefully in time you'll realise the true scope of your actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): You did the right thing telling your boyfriend. He did the right thing by responding the way he did. You did it once, you'll probably do it again. To exect him to just start rebuilding the relatioship is naive.
You failed the relationship here. Move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018): You said this would be a test for your relationship. Have you passed this test? No. You failed miserably. So I guess it’s time for you to break up with your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 July 2018):
Get real here.
I’ve said this so many times on this site that I’ve lost count. You CANNOT cheat on someone that you love. There is absolutely no way. It simply is not possible.
You had multiple times to stop what you were doing and you never which means you made the choice to cheat. There’s no such thing as an accident when it comes to this. You’re trying to justify it by saying you’re all or nothing, comparing cheating to eating a full chocolate bar is astounding really.
Leave your BF, let him be with someone who deserves him and can treat him right. Take this as a lesson to break up with someone first if you’re not happy in the relationship. Cheating is never the answer no matter how lonely you feel. Sounds like you enjoy the attention and having your ego stroked. Stop trying to salvage a relationship that you’re not fully invested in. Move on with your life from both of these guys and remain single until you feel like you can control yourself better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2018):
 I have to agree with Anonymous 123 as well.
End it with your BF, he deserves better.
Can a therapist help you understand why you did it? Maybe but you know what? That won't UNDO what you did. It doesn't JUSTIFY what you did. IT doesn't make it right.
I can TELL you why you did it. Because you WANTED to. It's not rocket science here. You befriended him because you found him attractive. You took it further even when alarm bells should have gone off. BECAUSE you got something out if it. It made you FEEL good. you wanted to be single - at least a little. So you ACTED like a single woman and made a mess of it as you are NOT single.
You MADE a choice to get close to a MALE friend while overseas. You build it up to be a "little dirty thrill" behind your BF's back - sort of "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" - which is VERY brazen and cavalier of you.
And then you sort of blame it on alcohol and the whole, well we did kiss so I might as well fuck him too... Again, YOU knew what you were doing and you know WHY you did it. BECAUSE you wanted to.
And you TOLD your BF because you KNEW he would TRY and forgive you and stay with you. And to "absolve" yourself from the minute guilt you felt. I say minute because you are still longing after the second guy, so he wasn't just some friendly fuck. You fell in "lust" with him.
Your relationship with your BF is forever changed because YOU chose to cheat. His view of you is not the same anymore. His view of himself is not the same anymore.
You two won't get back to where you were prior to YOU cheating. You both might pretend for a while but it won't.
VERY few relationships become stronger after an affair and usually that is because there are a marriage and family on the line. YOU two are "just" dating.
Seems like the LAST thing on your mind is how the two men feel about all this. Both your BF and your "friend" must be pretty hurt too. But do you seem to give an F - not really.
I would suggest you end it with your BF and take some time to BE single. To take some time to OWN your own actions and the consequences thereof.
Sorry, that is the nicest way I can give you what I think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2018): You don't seem to feel that guilty, you did not survive a long distance relationship, you allowed yourself to get close to another man. Your relationship has run it's course, you will in my opinion do it again even if it is not with the same man.
Do your boyfriend a favor and end it, you are not committed to him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 July 2018):
 OP, don't kid yourself. You knew what it was all leading up to and you let it happen. Anonymous123 let you have it and its exactly what you needed to hear. She's spot on. You may love your boyfriend but I don't think you are in love with him anymore. You thought of you, your needs and then had the cavalier attitude of "Oh well..I've gone this far." Your boyfriend isn't a diet that you blow for a day. He's a human being with feelings and he trusted you to be faithful. You weren't. So don't try to salvage the relationship. Your heart isn't in it. People fall out of love every day, it happens but don't stay with your boyfriend out of guilt or because you can't have the one you want. It isn't fair.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 July 2018):
 You don't love your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure you have a narcissistic personality, and you cheated knowing damn well that it would lead to sex because that's exactly what you wanted and you went for it.
I think right now you should break up with your boyfriend because not only did you cheat physically, you're unfaithful to him in spirit even now. You're fantasizing about the other guy... Could it really get any more demeaning for your boyfriend?
It's in everyone's best interest that you don't try to get back with your boyfriend. It's going to be a sham relationship anyway and no way is it going to last. You love yourself and your needs/desires far too much to even think about anyone else.
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