A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I cheated and the guilt is killing me.I was away on business, my fiancee and young baby at home. Me and my ex met up for a drink, literally to say hello and see how eachother was getting on. We had a few too many, and as i hadn't yet booked a hotel she suggested i sleep on her couch. I stupidly agreed. We ended up sharing a bottle of wine and having sex on the floor. I hate myself now...its something i swore i would never, ever do. I adore my partner and child, we have an amazing life together. Why was i so damn stupid?! As soon as i woke up i left and ive hardly stopped crying since. I feel like i could lose everything, i go back home tonight and feel terrible. I love my fiancee with all my heart and do not understand why i did what i did...how do i deal with this guilt? I feel like a pig, im absolutely destroyed over this. Please help me, i dont want sympathy just advice.
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female
reader, Bailey J +, writes (26 March 2007):
 What you did was not good. Adultery/cheating are inexcusable! Once a partner has cheated the trust in a relationship is gone forever. People may forgive but never forget. You feel guilty and that’s good but you now have to make a decision. Do you tell your partner or leave this at the back of your mind. You know your partner and you know what kind of person she is. Will she forgive you and build on your relationship or will she ultimately leave you.
If you can carry on and put this to the back of your mind as a stupid mistake, then I wouldn’t tell your partner. If there is anyway she could find the truth out from someone else, then you need to come clean.
From another woman’s point of view though… I would want my partner to tell me. I would take in to consideration that my partner was honest with me.
All the best
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (26 March 2007):
 I guess you have two choices here and some of it depends on how likely it is that this will get back to your fiancee if you don't tell her. If the guilt is so overwhelming that you have to tell her what happened then maybe you should but be sure you're doing it for the right reason... that being that you want to be honest, not just make yourself feel better at the expense of her. Even though this is not the advice I would want someone giving my hypothetical fiance if he had cheated on me I would say that if there's no chance of her finding out via someone else to write it off as a huge mistake and resolve to spend the rest of your life being faithful to her. After all, you need to think about your child too. And I know that you said you didn't want sympathy but it seems that the fact you're suffering so much over this shows that deep down you're a good person who made a mistake and that you've suffered enough for it.
CD
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 March 2007):
 This is a tough one. You sound sorry for what you've done. That does not minimize it at all, just lets us know your frame of mind. You don't seem to need to be told how it happened, weakness and letting your guard down thinking you're above it all etc.
The question now is...how do you live with it? You can go home and admit your horrible choice and beg forgiveness or put this on your shoulders and carry it for the rest of your life. It WILL always be there. These choices depend on what type of person your are. Some people can rationalize and put things away mentally. Others can't. You have to know what type of guy you are. This isn't about you now, it's about your partner and child. The fact you feel guilt is great. We don't know your lady though or how she will take this
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Don't tell your partner-just move on and learn from it. Don't be stupid enough in the future to think that you can be alone with any woman and NOT be tempted. Treat your current lady great and forgive yourself. You learned an important lesson. Be a better person for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): The best advice I can give is that you need to be calm. You are not the only person that this has happened to in all the years of human existance. You are not a pig, you made a mistake and I bet you never do it again. What has happened has made you appreciate your fiance and baby very much and very clearly.
Now what you need to do is look at the situation scientifically as well as emotionally. What actions can you take now and what would the repercussions be, write them in a list. What outcomes can you see from each, negative and positive. Would coming clean be painful but OK eventually, or would you undermine your fiance's confidence too much and put an unfair strain on the relationship. It is not her fault, so why make her suffer. These are not answers but they are some of the things that you should consider.
Is there any chance that you could pass something to your partner? That is another serious possibility, so perhaps you should get checked out and discuss it with a doctor.
The most important thing is that you need time to reflect and decide what to do. Give yourself that time. See a counsellor if it helps. Do not react in the heat of the moment. Don't go for drinks with old girlfriends again - they can never be your friend unless they are friends with your fiance. You can't see them in secret, that is a vital clue to knowing yourself that there is more in it than you would admit.
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