A
female
age
36-40,
*liviamarie
writes:i cheated on my boyfriend who i love so much. three years together and i cheat on him in a bathroom of a restaurant. while he was there. he has done nothing wrong to me and doesnt ever talk to any other women. i am a stupid stupid stupid person. i lied to him about it for a week. and even though i was extremely under the influence of alcohol it is no excuse. we loved each other so much. and he has kind of forgiven me but its all we talk about. there is now a big brick wall in between us. a huge elephant in the room. we used to give kisses and hugs and laugh all the time and cuddle and always be showing our love to each other. now were still together all the time. but there are no kisses, no hugs, no laughs, and no love. i feel so retarded and like such a peice of shit for what ive done. i seriously just want to kill myself. im sick of crying and feeling like a slut. i would do anything to take back what ive done, and i dont know what to do. how can i get over what ive done and love myself again? how can i get my relationship back to what used to make me so happy?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2010):
 "i seriously just want to kill myself." That sentence closes this thread. That sentence, and the entire package of feelings you describe, indicates that you need professional counseling. That's what will examine your choices, your drinking, your self-esteem, your relationship.
PM me if you would like to post a follow up message. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): lets remove all the drama and face facts- you would not have cheated if you were happy. you did what you did because you could. so in hindsight instead of acting like a stage queen acknowledge your wrongdoing and question why you did have sex with another man in the toilets of a public place while your bf was present in the building. you must have really be brave to do this and must have thought your bf was some stupid sod who would forgive you anything. bottom line: you cheated and you know it. your "love" for him is now love out of guilt. do yourself and the bf a favour and end the realtionship. no use making each other miserable because you cannot take back the cheating. what you can do is learn from your mistake. stop consuming alcohol and vows to never cheat on someone you profess to love again. i repeat stop the booze and clean up your act.
please realise the trust is gone and no matter how much you now regret it . he will never trust you. learn this and accept this and then move on. you both are good people. but not destined to be together. as you say he was/is a good bf but you betrayed and devastated him.
chalk it down to a bad experience but love him enough to let him be. cry and mourn the loss and then slowly move on. both of you.
sorry i do not have any airy fairy words but perhaps some realistic words and action plans.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): break up with him, all trust is lost.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 July 2010):
He hasn't forgiven you. Ironically, you'd have been better off if he'd walked out in a knee jerk reaction, because he may have then had time to think about it and come back. Sometimes when a man does something quickly, he regrets is later. As it is, he's mulling this all over in his head, and he's not left. That means he's more likely not to forgive you for this. At this time, you need to play a bit of the waiting game in terms of hugs and kisses and such. They won't be coming for a while. Neither will the trust. You need to take steps to prove you're worth it. That means that you have to be totally open. No passwords to phones, emails or anything like that. You need to give up drinking permanently. You can't drink again after this, ever. And ask him what you can do to make it better. Hopefully, if you make a few open gestures like that, he'll be more willing to forgive you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): I'd like to know how long he has been distant with you, as while to some extent I get where Puzzle is coming from, if someone who - according to the OP - has never done anything wrong and always treated her well suddenly discovers his love of three years has a) cheated on him and b) lied about it for a week, he is NOT going to get over this easily and quickly. Puzzle used the word "eventually" and that is precisely the right word, which is why I find Puzzle's suggestion that YOU need to put your foot down and HE needs to start accepting and forgiving this now is a little too glib. I don't buy the "same could happen to him too out of temptation one day" - sorry, but some of have more respect for our partners to EVER do this and drinking so much that you lose your inhibitions to this extent is just plain DUMB.
Being strong around him, I suggest, would NOT be the right thing to do, it would suggest to him that actually you don't see this as a big deal, that you destroying the trust and respect of the relationship is nothing major at all. Im sorry if that sounds blunt, but for some people, this is the biggest most devastating thing they can be told and to expect them to forgive and forget quickly is simply not realistic. I would suggest that the two of you split for a while and give him the space he needs to decide whether he CAN forgive you at all and agree to meet up in X weeks to talk about things. That to me seems to be the fairest option.
You should consider yourself lucky he hasn't just kicked you out immediately and wants nothing more to do with you. This suggests he is willing to find a way through this - or at least try - but as the guilty party I think you have to just sit there and wait for him to make his decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): You were drunk, and alcohol severely changes everyone, at varying amounts consumed. Yes, avoiding alcohol most likely would have changed the course of fate, but it's too late to blame yourself or the alcohol. Here's the thing.. what's done is done, and though temptation got the best of you at the time, you obviously care enough to want to fix the damage that was done. That's a great start, but now you both have to move to the second step after admittance, which is acceptance. It's just as difficult for both of you to accept what happened when you feel as badly as you do, so tell your boyfriend that. Tell him that today, not next week, he has to start trying to accept the fact that you feel terrible for what was done, and forgive you. You have to start trying that today, too, and not wait for him to try first. Chop it up to a huge mistake, but remember that forgiving yourself will finally free your guilt, and so will his forgiveness. Tell him that you know he hasn't yet forgiven you, going by his distance, and that he has to start letting go and forgive you. Tell him that if he can't, your relationship can't continue with only your efforts. It's a very difficult thing to do, but you have to make him see that his anger or resentment he carries toward you is making things worse, not better. You may love him alot, but if you stay with your boyfriend and he refuses to let go and forgive you, the only way you'll be able to move on and free yourself from guilt, essentially forgiving yourself, is to free yourself from all those who judge you or can't forgive you, even if it includes him. He'll only stop you from getting over that mistake and healing yourself if you stay around him while he resents you day after day after day. He's going to have to stop that, or you're going to have to leave him. Tell him to at least try and trust and forgive you more, and if he can't respect you those ways after a couple months more, I would move onto someone more sensitive to your emotions. Yes, it's very difficult to accept when someone's cheated on you, and is devastating to find out, but one also has to eventually find it in themselves to care about the feelings of the person who made the mistake. If he can't fully return to you and try to show compassion and care for your feelings and how you're hurting too, then you're better off not dragging yourself down in the misery he chooses to live in. Stop hating yourself and start approaching him about how he still feels about you. You'll have to talk to him until he understands that you'll only be able to feel better about yourself if he feels better about you. Start putting your foot down and stop him from making you feel you owe him something in order for him to love you properly. Make it clear that you won't put up with any further distance, and that he'll have to find other ways to heal his heart. Tell him you want him to treat you as well as he did before you cheated or you're walking. Explain that you love him, but you'd like to see him happy, and that if he can't show you that he's happy around you, you'll have to split for awhile, since his actions or distance bring you down. Cheating is cheating, but pouting for months causes hurt as well, and whether he's pouting or acting out of revenge, he's got to stop, or he'll force an end to your relationship. If he can't let go, then he shouldn't be sticking around. Be assertive and make that clear to him. Don't let him continue for months to treat you like you're below him, just because of that incident. The same could happen to him one day, out of temptation, so he has to realize how human and powerless you were when that happened, and start to see how terrible you feel, not just himself. Also, try to be strong when you're around him, as quite possibly showing how badly you feel when he's around might be the very wall stopping him from getting to close. He might feel afraid or tired when he sees your negative emotions. Try to change how you feel first, then worry about what he's acting like, and things should progress just fine for yourself. He may never get over it, but you still have the ability to move on and not let ANYBODY stop you from feeling better and finding happiness in life. Life is a beautiful thing if you get past the crap times like this and allow yourself to relax and view it in a different way. It's all in how you allow yourself to be vulnerable or not. Have a positive outlook on life, and maybe your boyfriend needs to see that too, in order to change his negative outlook. It certainly won't hurt. Good luck, and pm me anytime to talk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): I'm afraid to say you probably can't. You will always be consumed by guilt and he will always be wondering if you will do it again. It is unlikely this relationship will last, even if you do both love each other. It IS possible but it will take a lot of time and effort - mainly from you, who has to try and convince your man it will never happen again (and, if he gets arsey and needs to row about it, I'm afraid you'll just have to take it while he tries to deal with it).Once trust is gone in a relationship it is very hard to get it back. The only way, in my opinion, you can learn to love yourself again is to let him go and sort yourself out. Someone who claims to love their partner has some problems if they can cheat on them in a bathroom of a restaurant WHILE THEY WERE THERE. And you're right, alcohol is no excuse. If you love him, you should let him go and let him find someone who loves him enough not to hurt him this way. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, almc  +, writes (16 July 2010):
I think you need to thank him for, forgiving you. Trying doing the thingd that you guys always did, movies parks, whatever you both liked to do so much and have a good time. And to get more kisses and hugs, do nice things for him, cook him a great dinner, do things he loves to do, and don't hide anything, like emails or phones, he needs to be able to trust you, ones the trust is there the love is right behind it :) good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): i was unfortunately send to prison last year, 6 and a half months. my girlfriend loves me, i know this, she had a drug problem, and this guy was around to offer those drugs. at some point, she had sex with him. my sister told me on the phone. She swears it was only once and she was going to tell me when i got out. ( i already knew) u can just tell, ya know? My big problem now is, he told me (online) it had happened about 5 times, she told me she stayed there at least 3 or 4 times but swears it was only that once( and only for a minute, then she couldnt go through with it). i've been home around 8 months and still think about it alot. its cool you told your bf the truth, i hope my girl did the same
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