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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She honestly is the love of my life and I am very happy with her and would do anything for her. Unfortunately, I made a terrible mistake a couple of nights ago , had way too many drinks (which I know is no excuse)and was unfaithful, I had a one night stand. I do not know why I did it, i had no intention to, I was not myself at all and while it was happening I was not thinking at all, I was in a cloudy haze. I have always been faithful to my previous girlfriends and her until now. Since it has happened, I can't sleep very well and I am hardly eating, I can't believe I have disrespected her in such a way and feel ashamed. I want to know what the best thing to do is. I want to tell her because I think it is the right thing to do, being honest. However, she has an adorable little soul and it is tearing me up knowing I could break her heart if I tell her. My only concern at the moment are her feelings, I just want to know what the best thing is to do, for her, be honest and potentially break her heart or keep quiet forget this terrible mistake I made. I would hate to break her heart. The thing is, I am currently traveling and will be meeting her in my next destination. I do not know if I should fly home before she leaves so I can tell her about it, or just not tell her at all. There is another option to just tell her now over the phone so she can decide weather to stay with me/meet up with me but in my book, that is the worst possible way to tell someone this kind of thing. I was thinking of maybe staying quiet and if she ever asks me I will be honest because she deserves to be told the truth. I know I would never do it again, it was a terrible mistake I made which I am very disappointed with myself about. Any help? Thank you
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female
reader, Michellehere  +, writes (28 November 2017):
Telling her is one of the most selfish things you can do. You are telling her to ease YOUR mind and relieve YOUR guilt. Once you tell her, she has to deal with the pain and your relationship will never be the same. If you’re never going to do it again, put it in a little box in your conscience and move on. Don’t hurt her. You love her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2017): Don't tell her. Live in the lie until you die. I think it might actually deter you from cheating again. Telling her could ruin her and ruin the relationship, let's say the relationship ends eventually both your hearts will mend and you will move past the guilt because you will feel like you've been punished for your behaviour through the loss of her. You could even go on to cheat again because you would have forgotten the pain. However if you stay in the relationship you'll carry this guilt forever, you'll be reminded of the pain constantly, you'll look into her eyes everyday knowing you don't deserve her which could result in you over compensating and loving her more than you would have otherwise. Hopefully the guilt will also deter you from cheating again.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (3 June 2017):
 If I was her I would not want to know , I am only talking for myself , you need to stop thinking it was the drink , if you had that much drink you could not have got it up , they say something like 75% of men cheat and 50% of women , but they also say that 80% of women forgive their men but only 25% of men forgive their woman , but there is forgive and there is forget , and i think no woman or man can forget so every time you are home late she will think after being told that you are with another woman , do you want to do that to her to make you feel good with how you feel now , I say man up to your feelings and carry this with you as a reminder to you that you love your woman and will not let the same happen again , getting it out in the open will freee your mind but cut her for the rest of your time together , if you can't carrie this with you brake up and try not to make the same mistake with the next woman , we all think we know the other after 5 years but we don't and after 10 years we don't i am with my wife with over half my life and still don't know everything or how she would react about everything , i know she would forgive me if i did but be upset and might even sart off feelings that would undermine her ,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2017): Sick of guys blaming it on biology or it being an inherent male trait!Whether or not it is an instinct, men still DO have a CHOICE!Their actions make their behaviour unacceptable. Not their instincts.OP wanted to cheat. He used alcohol as a crutch.He does not love his girlfriend. You do not do this to people you love. Period.He loves himself. Very selfish. And the act of cheating destroys people we love. If you knew that you could destroy the one you LOVE with all your heart by cheating, then you would STOP and shake your head, get it out of your ass and WALK AWAY before destroying the one person who loves you!!Not repent later. Not feel guilty later. Not beg for forgiveness later.You do need to tell her OP. She is going to find out someday. And at that time, it will be worse.Besides, we women do have instincts as well. Don't forget that! She WILL sense changes in your behaviour. Your guilty conscience will manifest itself in your actions and attitude. She knows you better than anyone. And trust me, eventually you will cave. And by that time, it will hurt her more.When you make a mistake, you confess right away. That way it shows true remorse. The longer you leave it, the guiltier you look. And the more you risk your relationship.You may lose her by telling her now, but that is a gamble. You took the gamble when you cheated. You made the decision to gamble away your relationship.I do believe if you have any chance, you will need to beg for her forgiveness right away. BE HONEST. It is the only hope you have.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2017):
 She deserves to know the truth. If you want to spend the rest off your relationship built on lies and cheating then so be it, but personally it would eat me up inside. I would need to be honest. The thing is I could and would never do that to me Fiance as I love him way to much. Do her a favor and be honest, a relationship is no good built on lies.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): All the aunts say tell her. But here is an advice from a male reader. DON'T tell her if you love her and want to keep her. You seem to be genuinely sorry and feel genuinely guilty and consider it a big mistake you did and not going to repeat. That is fair enough. Look, what the aunts seem to ignore is that according to statisics 80 percent of men cheat atleast once in their life time. Some like you regret it and never repeat it and some keep on cheating.If everyone was going to tell his wife, 80 percent of the marriages would end in divorce courts. Why they cheat? Maybe they are curious to see if they can still do it. Or male instinct to spread the genes. Anyway. So keep it to yourself and let that be the skeleton in your cupboard. We all have one. You know now you love her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 I agree 100% with Anonymous123. She isn't the love of your life. You don't cheat on the love of your life. My husband and I before we married were sometimes separated for months at a time, and we NEVER cheated on one another. I couldn't even think of another man touching me. Drunk or not. As another aunt stated, your just don't "accidentally" have sex with someone and then go "oops..sorry it happened". It takes planning. At that time, you weren't thinking of your girlfriend you were thinking and planning on having sex with another woman..and you did.
Do the right thing...tell her and let her decide. Don't try to lie about it, and don't try to hide it. The odds are she will find out and it will hurt far more to hear it from someone else.
I'm not saying that you don't love your girlfriend, but you wanted to cheat and you did..End of story. You didn't have to but you did. Now you have to accept the fallout whatever it may be. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2017):
 I'm with Ivyblue.
HOW would you feel if your girl had done the exact same? Would you want her to tell you? Would you want her to bury it?
You sound like you SORT of regret it. But you regret the possible consequences more. If it truly WAS just a "mistake" (which I fail to see how it can be, as it's not like you slipped with your pants fly open and your dick landed in another woman's vagina - that you could call an accident or mistake). What you did TOOK effort. SEX takes effort. You first have to TALK to the woman, flirt, charm and then you HAVE to make the choice of going home with her or take her to your bed. And then when you GET to that place you again have to decide what happens next. You have to DECIDE to use a condom (or not).
It will hurt your GF - whether you MEANT to cheat or it was an "accident". And YOU need to take responsibility for YOUR actions.
I think you OWE her the truth and if it has to be over Skype/Facetime - phone (not text) BEFORE she travels to meet you, then so be it.
You could keep it to yourself, just know that the truth has a way of coming out in the end. Let's say the girl you had sex with tracks you down - or contacts your GF... then what? Will you deny it? Lie? Or if your GF starts to notice something is up with you, what then? Will you gaslight her and tell her she is imagining things?
Would you RATHER your partner, the ONE person we are SUPPOSED to trust, be HONEST with you or lie to "protect" your feelings?
Personally, I think there is only one choice here and that is, to be HONEST, and tell her. Then TAKE the consequences as an adult.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): You should physically go to wherever she is, tell her the truth, apologise, and accept that she will probably break up with you. Do not beg her to stay with you. She deserves to be treated better.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 May 2017):
OP when it comes to relationships I personally don't think there are any grey areas. It's either black or white.
So here's the thing.
Your girlfriend is NOT the love of your life.
You say you would do anything for her but that's a big fat lie.
If she were everything that say then you wouldn't ever in a million years have cheated on her-not while drunk, not while in a haze, not if you were in another planet, a lone man with another woman. Stop lying to yourself by saying that you had no intention of cheating on her. You absolutely did or you would have stopped yourself and the thought wouldn't even have occurred to you.
Break up with her immediately.
That is the only honourable thing that you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): If my boyfriend of 4 years did this to me, I would want to know.
Why? Because it would be up to me whether I continue this relationship or not.
Because you have already decided it was not worth it to you to risk cheating.
Sorry, but you did make choices. You made the choice to drink. You made the choice to get drunk. You made the choice to hang around other women. You made the choice to get friendly with this one woman in particular. Otherwise how could you have fallen into bed with her so easily? You were prepping her and vice versa. You both knew where this little encounter would lead you. To the bedroom. There had to have been some serious flirting between you to get you into this situation. And I don't believe for a minute, when one is drunk, they are totally oblivious to their own actions. Both you and this woman included.
I think you had this idea in mind before you did it. And you decided to drink so that you could do it and then blame the drinking on your actions so that you could alleviate the guilt after the deed was done. It's a nice little built in excuse to explain away your indiscretion and keep your guilt at bay.
Look, if I was away from my boyfriend, I would not drink so much that I would not be in control of my actions. I would choose not to put myself in this position to begin with. You, on the other hand, did make the CHOICE to put yourself in a very dangerous position.
So, you are not blameless here.
If you know there is a lion's den in front of you, would you hang around at the entrance? Or would you run far away from there as fast as you can?
You chose to linger at the entrance... and this is the result.
Now, you must live with the consequences of your own actions.
Why don't you begin by telling your girlfriend the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): Sorry, don't blame it on the alcohol. Don't tell us how delicate she is and how bad you feel about hurting her feelings. Even under the influence of alcohol, we know right from wrong. You were alone, out drinking, and apparently flirting with some random-female. That's a choice and a conscious-effort my friend. All the guilt comes from after-thought. It all manifested during the walk of shame, not the night before.
I'm a guy too; and when you're a decent sort of fellow, there's always this little angel on your shoulder that says" "dude, watch it! Don't go too far!" You listened to the little devil. You tossed caution to the wind, and you went for it. You had to start a conversation, turn on the charm of seduction; then leave with her, and performed the deed.
You were not in a trance, or under some spell. She didn't rape you. If you were too drunk, why didn't you opt to go home? Why didn't you take a taxi home? You didn't; because you had a bird in the hand, and you landed in the bush! Sorry to be crude, but I'm speaking man to man here!
Okay, now I've beat you up enough. You're a nice-guy with a conscience. Now I'll back-off. We make mistakes. I've come close to cheating, and I wasn't drunk. I just got that last-minute change of heart. I didn't want my lover to feel the way I felt when someone cheated on me. It felt like sh*t!!! Worse, I caught them in the act! Can you imagine that?!!!
You have to tell her. If not now, maybe someday. I don't know how long you've been together; but she may be strong enough to forgive you. I can tell you from experience, it takes a long time to rebuild trust. It also feels weird having sex with someone who cheated on you; because you visualize them with somebody else. It either pisses you off, or makes you feel inadequate. Like something was yanked out of you. The hurt gets in your blood, and sort of lingers there like slow poison. I did forgive back then; and we were together yet another 20 years. Cancer killed my loving partner. I can't say I would be as forgiving now. That was then, and this is me now. What I have now is so good, cheating would crush my soul. I would forgive, but I would leave for sure.
Prepare to suffer the consequences. Withholding the truth would be for self-preservation. It would be selfish, and not really out of concern for her feelings. It would be more to save your own skin. You forgot about her and gave what was hers to some random-female. God forbid that it's someone she knows! Be that the case you better tell before she does!
I feel for you my friend; but you've got to man-up. Cheating is a serious offense. It gets easier the next time if there are no consequences. If my lover ever cheated thereafter, I never knew. My heart tells me it never happened again.
Hey, you can keep it to yourself. Hopefully you used a condom. If some girl comes knocking at your door three months from now telling you you're going to be a father; then you'll have to explain to your lady what happened then. Then all hell will break-loose. I don't care how sweet a woman is: "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" If you can suppress your conscious and look her in the eye and not feel guilty, fine. By the way, knowing what I know; if you do decide to confess to a clergyman, guess what you'll be told to do? Tell her!!! Otherwise; it's a lie by omission! A kiss you can hide, full-penetration? Nuh-uh! Fess-up! They have a way of sensing if you've done something. Guilt is in your eyes, and their intuition is pretty keen.
Once you're home and settled. I would say give it a few weeks. If it eases from your conscience. You're home free.
Keep it too yourself. If you're eaten-up with guilt, free your soul. Prepare for the consequences. I'm thorough about such things; because I'm wise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): Tell her over phone. It would be a better thing to say in person, but as circumstances are, you should not allow her to waste her time and money flying out to meet you, and then after she will be stuck at that destination for however long before she can go back home again. If it was me, I would prefer to hear this over the phone in this case. Each and every day you don't tell her, you are efficiently lying to her. It just becomes worse and wose, trust me. I would be far less heartbroken and furious if this was admitted to me straight away, than if my boyfriend had the nerve to "fake" it and make my fly out to meet him. Even worse, he makes me fly out, then we have a great vacation, and then he tells me at the end before I go home... what a backstabbing move.
Telling her when she flies out to meet you is NOT an option. Go on Skype. Or fly home to talk to her in person. But faking it and pretending everything is fine and having her fly to meet you and then tell her, is a really shitty thing to do and would only add to the deceit. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how it would make you feel. It's bad no matter how you tell her, but it's a lot worse if you make her fly out to meet you only to break her heart.
Reminds me of an ex boyfriend of mine who had a lovely date with me, and then broke up with me at the end of the day. That was the worst way to go about it. He made me so happy and excited all that day, making me think everything was wonderful and I was happy... then he threw that shit in my face. Just saying. If you're going to say something hurtful to someone, at least have the decency to be upfront and not pretend everything is fine only to break it to her out of the blue.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 The best thing to do for her is either tell her or break up.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 what would you want, if the shoe was on the other foot, HONESTLY?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 This is going to eat away at your conscience for as long as you're dating her and chances are it will come out at some point along the line anyways.
Personally, I think you should tell her. It's unfair what you did and it's very unfair to continue acting as if nothing has happened. This woman cares about you and you have broke her trust, therefore you need to do the honourable thing and tell her and let HER decide the fate of this relationship.
You made the mistake and now it is out of your hands. You may love her, but you're still able to say no when alcohol is in your system so you're correct that it isn't an excuse and I don't think she would accept that as one either.
Own up to your actions and face the consequences. If it means the end of your relationship then so be it, you put it on the line when you decided to sleep with another woman.
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A
female
reader, frogs84 +, writes (24 May 2017):
 Hello. Well firstly you do seem genuinely regretful but I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy and treating people who you'd like to be treated yourself. We all make mistakes in life nobody is perfect and sometimes we end up in situations that we never thought we'd get ourselves into. Drink blurs your mind and opens your inhibitions and really you should never have put yourself in a situation where that had a chance to spiral out of control. I think you need to tell your gf face to face. Yes it will break her but it would be a damn site worse if she found out through someone else or if she caught an sti? I'm gathering no contraception was used here because if it was and you had time to think and put on a condom then you would pause and realise what you're doing. I'm sorry cheating is cheating whether intentional or not but I believe she has the right to know what had happened no matter what. She may forgive you, you never know. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): Going against the grain I would say that your clumsy effort to tell her is the next mega disaster in your life.Why would she want to know what sleaze ball youve been and how would it be kind.Its a bit like asking her to examine your vomit to pick out the brighter colours.And expecting her to travel in order to slap her in the face with it is totally selfcentred!You dont need her absolution you need to get to a clinic for an STD check up.You cant expect forgive and forget so either learn to live with your regrets or not.Your best bet would be to secretly hope she had a transgression also but dont try to pin that on her to make you feel better.Im sure others will have plenty to say but at a risk of being wrong if you must tell her then break up by telling her before she travels!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 May 2017):
Keep your mouth shut. If this was a on off there is no reason to burden her with it. If you feel the need to confess find a clergyman or a counselor then commit yourself to never doing it again and to being the best boyfriend you can be to your girlfriend.
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