A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So long story as short as possible: Last month I found out (through snooping) that my boyfriend of three years was using cocaine last year, and I found a bag of prescription drugs in his belongings. When I found the cocaine he called me a nosy bitch, when he calmed down he explained that he hasn't used it in over 6 months and he felt terrible when he did because he would come home and start fights with me and tell me that I was crazy when I would argue back. He said that the prescriptions belonged to a friend that didn't need them anymore and that he thought "why not" keep them. The icing on the cake was when I snooped through his web history and found out that he looked at his exes facebook page and then watched porn right after. This incident particularly crushed me.I tried to get over everything, but one night when we were bickering, I got really nasty and he responded by telling me that he's glad he did those things because I'm a piece of shit. So I ended up sleeping with our roommate, which is his best friend. It was short, and I didn't have lust for him just hatred for my boyfriend. I thought I would break up with him right after, but he started being really nice. I asked his friend to move out and as soon as he did he told me that my boyfriend cheated on me 2 years ago. I've now confessed to my cheating, and he won't forgive me, he wants to but he says that what I've done to him is way worse. When he found out he called his ex, he said that he did it to hurt me. I'm so confused, I don't know if I should fight and be patient for him to heal? He's not offering me any solace because he screwed up 2 years ago, and I just cheated. What should I do?
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, crush, drugs, facebook, his ex, porn, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your support, you're all right!
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Your relationship sounds like it is out of control:
1) You cheated -- because you were upset. Instead of dealing with it like adults you ruined his friendship with his friend, and you lost any moral ground you had to stand on. If I was him, I'd be upset too. Just because you found out he cheated in the past doesn't mean you are justified in your action... again, you lost your moral ground.
2) Your boyfriend sounds like a "prize". He has dabbled with cocaine (little do we know what else he has been up to) and he cheated on you in the past. Who's not to say that he has been cheating other times as well. I think you need to take some time and ask yourself if this is truly the man of your dreams? Is this the guy you would want to marry? What if you had a baby (even by accident) -- is your boyfriend father material?
I am sure you are looking for a solution here and I wish I had one for you. The only thing you can do is apologize and admit your wrong -- regardless of his past. It may take some time to earn his forgiveness (if it happens at all) so do not expect overnight changes.
However, I urge you take a hard look at this relationship. It is a NOT normal and nor does it sound healthy and it sounds irreparably broken. If you had a good friend or a sister who was in a similar situation, what would you tell her? From the sounds of it, you too both clash and don't deal with your problems in a healthy manner.
Eddie
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys I really appreciate hearing what I already know from someone else. Unfortunately I love him so much even though I know that it's been toxic, that it's not so easy to just leave. I'm going to try my best and be stronger and forgive myself for cheating, and forgive him and move on. Maybe in the future I will be happy with him, or with someone else. But I agree that right now I need to take care of me, and assure my happiness by knowing that I've got plenty of reasons to move on and not feel like I'm making the wrong decision. Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Toxic! This relationship is unfixable and you know it, but I want to address *you* for a second because any future relationship you get into you will still bring 50% of the problem with you in how you handle things.
Having revenge sex is a horrible way to deal with problems in the relationship. Two wrongs do not make a right! You are a cheater! You didn't know that he had cheated on you.
Also, you should have jumped out of the relationship when you saw the drugs! If he had those on him and you and he were pulled over, both of you would be brought up on felony drug charges. he has no reason to carry cocaine or someone else's prescription drugs, plain and simple.
You're no longer in high school, so quit wasting time with this loser, grow up in your standards for boyfriends, and never cheat again, no matter what. If your boyfriend cheats, you break up. If you have a fight, resolve it like an adult.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (16 February 2013):
You don’t work together. There is abuse, no communication and you respond to being hurt by trying to hurt the other back. You’re basically having a destructive impact on each other’s lives so call time on this relationship and go your separate ways. Learn from this.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: what type of relationship do I want? How do I want to be treated in a relationship, and how do I want to treat a boyfriend of mine? How do I want to feel in my ideal relationship? Do I want to feel happy, calm, and good, or do I want to feel anger, hatred, bitterness, hurt, rejected and cheated on, fooled, lied to, put down?
What do you want from a relationship? Imagine what you want. Then READ what you just wrote to us. Is this what you want? Is this a relationship that is worth fighting for? Is this a relationship that will make you happy? And it's not allowed to say "if only this or that changes". No, nothing will change, you can either take this relationship for what it is, or you need to move on and find a relationship that actually IS what you need and want.
No, there is no point in staying in a relationship that might someday, maybe, change.
It doesn't matter who started it, or if what you did was worse or not, or if he offers any apology for what he did two years ago. All of that is completely irrelevant. Because no matter what he says, or you say, it wont change the facts: he cheated on you, he lied to you, and your way of getting "even" was to sleep with his so-called best friend. You wanted to end the relationship. You ended the relationship by sleeping with the friend. Him being "so nice" the following day does NOT change the facts: he has lied and cheated, and is also a drug-addict. Does it really matter than that he can occasionally be nice? A lot of people can be super nice one day, only to flip at you the next and call you names. Tons of people do that. If that's what you want there's plenty to choose from.
But, in your ideal relationship, is a boyfriend of yours nice one day, and then mean another? Or is he rather nice, every day?
Think about it. Does him being super nice sometimes, really mean it is okay to then lie to you and cheat on you, other times?
...............................
A
female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (16 February 2013):
Get out and don't look back. This is your get out of jail free card. Take it. This is a super toxic unhealthy relationship involving drugs, cheating, emotional abuse (calling you a bitch, telling you you're crazy and a piece of shit), lies built on mistrust and betrayal. Learn from this and move on. And know if a man lies and hides something like drugs from you there could be much more he is hiding too. And getting back at him by cheating with his best friend was just as toxic and immature. I think in your heart you felt awful about it. Next time you get angry about something try to work it out or leave with dignity. Cheating is never the answer. When you have a healthy relationship next time, you'll look back on this one and see it wasn't it. Also if a man is mean sometimes and nice sometimes but there is no consistency then when he is nice he is manipulating you and when he is mean he is being his true self. He just sensed when you had enough and then he was nice. He is not good for you at all. I think one day you will find a really great guy. He just isn't it. Good luck!
...............................
|
