A
female
age
41-50,
*AJM
writes:My partner is so different since I caught him out with a lie. We aren't young (both in our 40's) and there should be no grey areas within our relationship. He has lied to me several times about minor things, lied to at least 5 times about bigger things and one big one about another woman on Facebook. He tells me I'm mental, it is all in my head (even though I have placed in front of him concrete proof of the endless lies) and that I should f off, I'm paranoid, I'm mental etc.. He gets verbally abusive towards me and puts me down mentally most days now. I am used to being treated poorly and I just get on with it, but I ache and I hurt and I have given up everything to live with this man now. My 8 year old hates him, my 16 year old refuses to visit and my 17 year old thinks he is nasty. I'm not worth much to most people, but I really thought I was this mans world. He drinks and I panic that he will start on me, I do nothing anymore in case he finds fault in it and run around doing anything and everything to try and keep him happy. I have nothing, no self worth, no care for myself and live to please him daily or get yelled at. I am so alone and so unsure why he would tell me I am mental and it is all in my head, not when I called him out and proved the fact he had lied to me and put the proofing in front of him. He told me to get over it, have you heard yourself, fuck off, it's all in your head and its not because he only got like that when I put that proof in front of him, like he hated that I had caught him out and wanted to blame me for it instead. I do nothing at all but try my hardest to keep him happy and all the the while I pretend we are great, but I am broken now and totally lost. How can the person that said they would never hurt you gradually destroy every part of you. I don't know why he is like this, but it's hurting to know he still denies anything and is telling me I am mental when I put it right in front of him.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 You need to start being stronger for your children, you are teaching your eight year old that it is okay for a man to treat a woman so badly. He will grow up seeing this and think it is okay. Also your own son won't visit you because off this man and yet you still stay with him. Is this man worth more than your children? Put them and yourself first and end this relationship before it both destroys you and your children, if you don't want to do it for yourself then do it for your boys.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2017): "How can the person that said they would never hurt you gradually destroy every part of you."Because that's what manipulative, controlling, abusive dirtbags do. They prey upon weak, insecure, vulnerable, needy women by telling them what they want to hear and once they are completely sucked in then the abusers reveal their true selves. I'm sorry, I'm want to be sympathetic but any woman who chooses a man over her children is in my eyes just as abusive (if not more) as the scumbag with whom she shacks up. You're the adult, you exercised extremely poor judgement, and unfortunately you are now experiencing the not-so-unexpected consequences. However pain you much be in, your children are suffering much, much more. They did absolutely nothing to deserve the anguish, torment and misery you have brought upon them by abandoning your moral and legal responsibility for their health, safety, and well-being to go shack up with a scumbag whom they recognize as the lying, abusive loser he is. I can't imagine what your eight-year-old must be feeling, wondering what did s/he do that was so terrible it would cause his/her own mother to choose such a lowlife over him/her. As always, it's the kids who suffer the most.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2017): Your question reads like a pre-constructed example of someone who is in an abusive relationship and doesn't know it.
Call your children, tell them you're leaving him and you need somewhere to stay. I reckon they'll be happy to take you in.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Can you be specific? What does he lie about? And what do you mean when you say "there should be no gray areas".
What exactly happened with this girl on Facebook??
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Do you have a job? You need to leave this man right now and I don't even know where to start. How is it your self esteem is so low that you're putting up with this man? Even your 8 year old knows better than you! Your feelings of anxiety, depression, isolation and low self esteem are all a result of your relationship with this poisonous man.Do you have anyone to support you if you leave him? Where do your older kids stay? Who provides for them?It's clear from your post that over the years you have been made to feel absolutely worthless and now this feeling has become a part of your personality. This is such a sad post and I genuinely feel bad for you. Don't ever say that you're not worth much and the you're used to be treated badly. That's just wrong, so so wrong. You mean the world to your children and you obviously mean enough to us because we're taking time out to help you and will continue to do so if you allow us to help you. I'm stating the obvious here but your partner is abusive, he's cheating on you, and he's just going to get worse and make your life more and more hellish till you gather the courage to walk out on him. He knows that you have no one to turn to and have completely surrendered to him and that is why he treats you in this way. He tells you that you're mental to shut you up and because this is a classic technique used by abusers. This is a textbook case of abuse where he's following a dead set pattern. Emotional abuse, intimidation, isolation, denying, blaming and bullying. This cycle of violence will continue till you break it. Please be strong and put an end to this abuse. For yourself and for the sake of your children. While I'm not aware of the exact links of women's shelters in the UK, I trust my fellow aunts to give you the leads so that you can contact them and get out of your situation.Be strong, be careful and be brave. This too shall pass.Please keep us updated on your situation.
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