A
female
age
36-40,
*ookiencream
writes:Myself and my fiancé have been together for over ten years. To start off with things were great, I felt like everything was perfect and he was amazing and always looked out for me. He'd help if I struggled with anything we would share the load for most of our responsibilities. A few years ago I feel pregnant and we were both delighted! And we had planned for years to move country before we even planned for a baby. So we went ahead with everything and moved then gave birth to our beautiful baby a few months after. As expected things got a bit rocky from time to time. I felt that as I wasn't working it should be my job to do most of the work with our baby. And let him sleep so he can be up for work in the morning. And he never offered to help with anything even if I was sick!! Anyway skipping forward a littlle, I started to work part time and sent our toddler to daycare and even on the days I was working he'd put very little effort into helping to share the work load. Then last year he began texting another woman on a daily basis. I never saw the messages but he would always talk about her and what she was up too. She would apparently ask to meet up out of work (as that's how he met her) but he was quite honest about it but only if I asked about it! Then one day enough was enough I told him how I felt about her texting and he got all defensive and made out like I was being stupid! I told him how things had changed in the last year or so and he said things hadn't been right for years. I said if he felt that way why did he agree to having a baby with me. He went on to say he thought it would help which I believe to be a pile of crap as he knows what it's like to come from a broken family situation and he would be stupid to purposely put a child through that himself! He even suggested a break from me and from day to day life. I told him if he needed a break from me it's as good as over as I felt like he'd use it to have his way with this other women and then he could get back with me if he felt he needed to guilt free. I also got cross because allthough he brings home the bigger wage he said he was tired, he had no care for the fact that I deal with every sleepless night our toddler was going through at the time and still getting up for work and coming home to carry on with mummy duties with his minimal input! I gave him the option to stay or go and he stayed still texting this women friend on a regular basis insisting nothing was going on! In the mean time his best friend of the last few years was over an awful lot! He is married and has been for over ten years. I don't always see eye to eye with his wife but began to feel a huge connection with him! I don't believe in cheating and although he's a huge flirt I believe he feels the same way! He always made me feel better when my fiancé put me down in front of them and often sides with me with thoughts and opinions! I didn't really think about in the earlier days and I don't know if it's just because he seems to be everything my fiancé is not to me anymore but I often feel like the connection is a lot stronger than I originally suspected. I've never asked him I don't want to make things awkward for anyone but he from even the early days has touched my arms tapped my legs when joking about and we don't hug all the time but he always hovers around if I hug someone waiting to give me a hug to! My fiancé came home one day saying he had popped into his friends work and a mutual friend of theirs had told him how his best friend always talks about me. I thought it was banter but who knows?! In recent events I've found out that he is super hyper active around me and gets all silly which I believed was him naturally but it turns out this isn't the case, he's quite sensible when I'm not around and not quite so silly. His wife often jokes when we are together and comments on how he's changed when I'm around and how he smiles more when I walk into a room. This guy is so amazing with my child and they too have a good connection, in someways better than her dad, his friend has no children as his wife cannot have children but you can almost see the pain in his eyes when he's around my toddler, he really wants a baby of his own! He helps when we go out if you didn't know better you'd believe he was my child's dad as he takes better care of her when we are together than her own dad! He interacts with her more and everything they adore each other, her own dad can barely talk to her without being on his phone instead. I would never want to break up a relationship, I just have strong feelings for this man! I guess I'd quite like to know what people think. Am I reading into it too much as my own fiancé has backed off and changed with me so much. Do I need the attention from a man so bad that I'm out to seek it from whatever attention I can get or does it sound like he might like me too? I wouldn't break up his relationship though from what his wife says it's on the rocks lately. I've backed right off as I don't want to be involved with anything. And I don't want things to be over with my fiancé, I just don't feel like anything matters to him anymore, my feelings and thoughts never come into his life plans anymore! It's all about him! He wants me to work more and send our toddler to daycare full time so we have more money! But to do what with as we never really spend time together as a family! I'm all about making the most out of our time together and my toddler will only ever be little once, I want to spend as much time with her as possible especially as he decided we aren't having anymore babies! Because he wants bigger better things in life! We share totally different opinions on everything! I just want to voice the things I think and feel and our story from my perspective as I don't have anyone to share it all with! Feel free to comment thank you
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a break, best friend, crush, fiance, flirt, money, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2017):
 Share away, that's why we're here!
There's nothing really in the way for you to just go ahead with the planning and finding out the costs of what you want, wedding-wise. And then just inform him of the date and cost and agree to save up so and so much each month. I think that is a fair and decent way to go about making it a reality.
But if he drags his feet, then I don't believe he actually wants to marry you. In which case it would be better to call off the engagement and call things for what they actually are, rather than make false pretenses/give you fake hope.
Then again, ask yourself if he set a date and made plans etc, would you be happy? Is he actually a man you WANT to marry? Or do you just feel like you have to because of the child? It isn't the end of the world to not be with the father of your child. In many cases it could be for the better. You know your life the best, but Im just throwing that out there so that you know it is an option. It would not be the end of the world for anyone, and your child would get used to it. In fact it is better for the child if you split up when it's still a toddler/very young, because it will get used to the new arrangement very quickly. As opposed to if you split up when the child is 12 years old, the transition to a new life style with divorced parents would be much more difficult than if it is 2 years old.
A
female
reader, Cookiencream +, writes (7 April 2017):
Cookiencream is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice! I often bring up the marriage discussion and he always uses money as a get out! I always believe if he was keen to actually follow it through we would save and set a date as a goal. But he doesn't seem to see it the same way. As I said I would never Take things further with his friend! It's a mess enough as it is I wouldn't want to complicate things any further! Sometimes it's just nice to feel wanted in the ways my fiancé doesn't show anymore! Your right about backing off of the responsibilities of my daughter more, I'm trying to. It's a struggle for both of us I guess. I appreciate your reply. Like I say I don't really have anyone else to speak to about this. It's great to have someone else to share this with!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 April 2017):
"Do I need the attention from a man so bad that I'm out to seek it from whatever attention I can get"
Yes, this exactly. So his best friend likes you. Great! But that doesn't mean you should jump ship and break up a marriage and get romantically involved. It could also be that he just likes you and thinks you're a hoot, but that's it. He is married. Don't get too far ahead in your thoughts to think he is developing feelings for you, he's not an available man. Be happy to have a friend in him AND THAT'S IT. Nothing else.
Then work on your relationship with your own man. Why are you not married yet? You've been together a decade and you say you are engaged. So what has been keeping you from getting married?
Have you thought about working through things with him? Is he on board with that? Is he willing to put in the effort? If he's not willing, then you can't row the relationship boat on your own, and it's time to get off. But if he is willing, then you might develop this decade long relationship into something even stronger that will last a life time.
I think your boyfriend does not help out with the child because you just took all the work on yourself in the beginning. That was your own mistake. He's grown accustomed to it. You need to start dumping the responsibilities back on to him, but slowly. Allow him time to catch up. But do be firm in what you expect from him.
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