A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I recently caught my husband and best friend in an affair that as it turns out has been going on for seven years. She has always been around the house several times a week for the entire time. I thought something was going on about 4 years ago and confronted him but he denied it and said I was just jealous. Now when I told him I want a divorce he says he doesn’t that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Here is the catch, he doesn’t want to give her up as he is in love with her too. He wants an open relationship and sees no reason why this can’t work since we’ve all been so close for so long. She has talked to me and says the same thing, she won’t give him up and they don’t want to loose me. I am devastated that they took 7 years of my life from me and thought so little of my needs. I’m 58 and very afraid of starting over and I don’t have anyplace to go. Neither of us can afford to keep the dream house we’ve created. I’m seeing a therapist and talking antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs that make me feel like a zombie. He has been very attentive and tells me he loves me constantly, but he is with her tonight. I’ve been trying to learn to accept this open relationship thing as I don’t feel I have any choices. Can a situation like this possibly ever work? Desperate for advice,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): Dear starting over may be hard but one day you will be proud of yourself. Don't you have a best friend or a family member you can go to? I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you and I wish you wonderful things in life. I wish you had the strength to walk out. I think the only reason why they say that they need you is because he knows that if you divorced he would loose the house and would not be able to afford giving this woman everything he must give her with a money that is yours, so that is why they manipulate you saying that they need you. I am sorry if I am being harsh on you, that is not my intention, but I feel like you are a wonderful woman, from this add and from what you have been putting up with. Maybe you could take $ 200 here, $ 100 there and so on, but make it in a way he won't notice, and save it in an acconunt in a completely different bank, create a PO Box in another city or something like that and when you have a good ammount of money get out, hire a good lawyer, rent an appartment, it will be difficult, but not as difficult as being depressed and anxious because of two people who are using you. When you said; "He will be with her tonight," my heart sunk for you. I think you should listen to the book on audio, "The secret" and follow everything they say there. Please know that all women deserve a wonderful husband, know that there are wonderful husbands out there and that there is a wonderful man out there looking for someone beautiful like you to have, to hold and to honor and respect and in his life you will be the one and only. May God be with you in this difficult moment and in all moment of your life. And have faith in God and in yourself that you do deserve good things, a good husband, good friends, and a healthy, wealthy life. Love a person who doesn't know you, but loves you as a human being and wishes you wonderful things and utter happiness!!!
A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (27 July 2007):
That sounds absolutely awful! I have one idea to add --- look in your phonebook, there may be a "battered woman's shelter" in your community. Or perhaps a church or whatever your religion is? Please get out of your house. You shouldn't have to
medicate yourself this way!!!!!!!
Love & Luck,
I'm rooting for you, too!!
Manya
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Nigel, what a fantastic piece of advice. You are never to old to stand up for yourself. Yes it is hard and scary, to be on your own. BUT its worth it in the end for your own sanity.
And Phil, get a life. Who cares about the spelling or anything else. This Lady needs to hear people that care, not someone just droped out of a dictionary.
Take care and be strong, there are loads of people that will be rooting for you XXX
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 July 2007):
 What a wonderful answer Nigel! Sweetheart, you need to listen to him! You have been dealt the rawest deal and you don't have to medicate yourself into acceptance. Please consider his wise words and find that happiness. Keep in contact with us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): It's almost embarrassing to call myself English. The state educational system here has an awful lot to answer for, especially when it come to spelling lessons and the use of basic grammar and punctuation.Anyway - what's to stop you going out, either on your own or with friends, maybe to a local bar or club and perhaps bringing home a new 'friend' with you? Tell him he's on the couch because you need the bedroom and see what sort of reaction that causes. Your husband has the best of both worlds at the moment and there's no reason for him to do things any differently to what he's been doing for the last seven years!All the bestPhil
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Please walk away - what you read on these posts are from human beings with real emotions. Keep your dignity. Never be used. My Uncle was 55 when he met his lovely wife and they have a great time doing all the hobbies they like. How long do you hope to live? 78? 88? 98? :-) My point is to give up now and put up with this humiliation is to chuck at least 20 years of your life away - make a pact with yourself to make up for the 7 years of wasted cheating from your husband. There are hundreds of men in your age range who desperately want a companion, a friend and lovely woman in their life right now! Stay with a friend, a relative or anyone you can. Make plans - good plans - to leave him. When he is out.... get the removal van and take what is rightfully yours. Ensure your finances are safe and start speaking to a solicitor soon. As your confidence grows you can move on very quickly - emotionally it might be easier than you think. Leave him to play cruel, selfish and sick games with this other woman. It sounds like they deserve each other. Please use this site for support at any stage.
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A
male
reader, blazee +, writes (24 July 2007):
 im afraid your husband is basicly a cheater.if he wanted a open relationship he would have told you 7 years ago.he just wants as much as he can get, please get away from him, and watch him and your best friend break up. shes been fooled unfortunately, but she is certanly not your friend, she thought about her needs and to her you were just an obsticle between her and what she wanted.they are both very selfish people, dont give in to them x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I agree with Nigel 100%. You should leave the asylum. She is obviously NOT your best friend or even a friend, and your husband, despite all his declarations, is incapable of real love.Take a risk. When you move despite your fears in search of a better life, the Universe will open many doors for you. I'm sure everyone reading your post is rooting for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 July 2007):
 No, my dear Desperate, this situation can't work. Basically, your husband has asked you to accept his cheating. Some people can do that, but I don't think you can.
I see you think you don't have any choices. I think you have one: don't sleep with him. Let him have his mistress or you, but not both. He'll have to chooose. If he chooses her, at least you won't have to sleep with him.
If you had anywhere to go, I would tell you to leave him. I'm so, so, so sorry you don't have options.
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Words can't express how angry this post made me. It pains me to see you go through all the motions to accept this and actually try to salvage what is (in your mind) your relationship. Unfortunately, it seems as though your husband has made a decision without you, and now it's up to you to determine whether or not you can actually live like this the rest of your life. If I put myself in your shoes, I would guess that you're feeling a lot of emotions including, but not limited to:
1) Fear - of loss and the unknown. Starting over at any age is tough, and you feel that you're at a point in your life where this should not even be an issue. The situation is actually quite bizarre, and you don't know what the hell you did to deserve it.
2) Anger and hurt - At your husband and your best friend. The ultimate betrayal by two people that you no doubt loved more than anyone, and felt you could trust.
3) Total loss of control and utter desperation - You feel as though you would do anything to make things the way they should be. Even to the point of taking medication to fight a depression that's induced not by an emotional or mental condition, but induced by people that you once trusted.
4) Humiliation - The feeling that apparently you didn't do something well enough to keep his interest, and now you're paying the price....
Well, the reason I spouted off those 4 points is because I went through the exact same thing you are going through a few years back. In the midst of working my butt off to provide for my home, I found out my girl was actually having sex with my best friend when I was out of town. A lot. And I caught them. And back then I was not known as a peaceful man.
People are going to tell you to leave, and start over. People will tell you this is a clear cut case and you need to get out to protect your sanity if nothing else. But it's one of those things that you already know yourself. No matter what people say, if they've never been in a situation like THIS, they really don't have any idea how they would feel.
You mentioned a couple of things that let me know point blank that you want out, but there are some things holding you back from doing what you know you should.
One thing is your age. Well, instead of saying that you're too old to start over, you might want to reverse that thinking and say to yourself that you're too young to live the rest of your life in an episode of Jerry Springer. Newsflash... 58 is not old. It may have been 30 years ago, but you have a lot of life left, and no doubt a lot of beauty to go along with that. If you've learned one thing in 58 years, it should be that life is either really long or really short, and you never know which one you're in store for. Why waste something as precious as YOUR life and YOUR love and YOUR sanity on a man who cares so little about others that he would put you in this situation?
Another thing is the stuff... The house. The things you've accumulated. I can assure you that those things in comparison to your life are worthless. In a hundred years, no one will look back and say "Damn, she sure was smart for staying around to keep the house". And believe me, you can't GIVE me a car fast enough, a house large enough or a diamond shiny enough that will make me compromise my happiness. Nor should you. You built your material life once, you can do it again.
Furthermore, you shouldn't worry much, because in the Good Old US of A, you are entitled to take this guy to an attorney, and ENSURE that you can keep your dream house. As it stands, right now it sounds to me like it's more like a house of nightmares... Ma'am, you don't have to GO anywhere. In the eyes of the courts - he's the one that needs to start looking for an apartment.
The other thing is that you're in such a fragmented and fragile emotional state, that words from your husband like "I love you" actually mean something to you now, when his actions clearly show that he does not. Not in the true sense anyway. He lied to you 4 years ago, and he's lying to you now. For reasons only known to you, he doesn't want to lose you, whether it is the fact that you're a major breadwinner, he's afraid of the embarrassment, or he's just a complete sociopath, he doesn't respect you enough to let you go. So this is gut check time. You have to decide exactly what it is you're made of. What are you willing to deal with in your life from this point forward?
When I made the decision to leave, it was the hardest thing I'd done up to that point. It was a complete mess at first. I went from a beautiful home on a golf course to a two room shack with an amazing view of the Three Mile Island Nuclear Power Plant. It was not exactly a trade up from a material standpoint. I'd lost my wife and my best friend. But one night, I was standing outside on my front porch, and it started to rain. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like an infant for at least an hour. Somewhere in between my pathetic sobbing and the sound of thunder above my apartment, I realized how fragrant and beautiful the smell of rain is. I hadn't noticed that in such a long time, and it made me happy. When I went back inside, I was alone, I was broke, but I had my dignity, my love for life and a determination that no one, male or female would ever break my spirit again. I'd survived the worst of it, and I wasn't about to give up then. So far, I've lived up to that promise.
I won't lie to you and tell you that it's easy, but I will be honest in telling you that letting go of a bad situation is far better than staying in a place that is the equivalent of an asylum. Without ever having met you, I can sincerely say that you deserve so much more than that. Find your strength. And when it feels low, get it from your friends, family or even places like this. You are a Person, not just someone's "wife" or "mother" or "daughter". And being a Person entitles you to happiness. Now go get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Honey,I feel for you i really do, as i read that i litrally felt stress.your a wonderful person and you dont deserve this. Walking away is easier said than done. But i would leave. They have taken 7 years of your life away from you, your very right. and who has the right to do that and take that from you ? no-one. Because your here on this planet once. You get 1 life. You get 1 chance. Live it. And u def dont deserve this my dear.Is there any family u cud stay with while u sort out a small place ?Trust me, if i lived by you, id be the first to take you in and support you all the way.Please remember, they had no right, and are being selfish, and still, even now, they wont stop seeing e.other.Ask him to end it, or leave.If you go, it may call his bluff, and would think a lot more of you. Please dont stand for it.I wish you all the luck in the world.I hope hapiness is round the corner:-)Love kate x
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