A
female
age
30-35,
*tfdoido
writes:i realized a few months ago that on my dad's computer there were sites for affairs in the top sites, but the history was cleared.i didn't say anything about it but cried about it and one day he caught me and i mentioned what i saw. he played it off like there were weird viruses on our computer. the next day the format was changed on there so that the top sites don't show. i ignored it.i'm seventeen but i have a thirteen year old brother. my dad sometimes takes our phones or laptops away at night so we're not on them all night but i kind of think it might have to do with the fact that he thinks we might be up to something and hiding it the way he is.the other day when he took my brother's phone my brother said to me "i have shit on dad and i swear i'll say it one day when he makes me mad enough" i asked what it was. he said he saw those websites on my dad's lap top now. it really hurt me to know my younger brother knows too. i started crying and my mom saw me and wouldn't stop asking what was wrong with me.it killed not to be able to tell her. i don't know what to do about this at all.i can't even look at my dad anymore. i'm graduating this year but my brother's really young. i don't want to mention it and be the cause of a divorce and screw my brother over having to deal with it while he's still in school and stuff. but i can't help but think my dad hates my family so much, that we're such a disappointment to him that he'd rather go off with some other whore and forget us.i know a lot of advice sites say it's between my parents it has nothing to do with me, but if he really cared about me or my brother's well-being he wouldn't be doing this, right? idk, i just really really really need help.
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female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Honestly we can't give you the answers, you may have told us the situation however, we don't know your parents your your relationship with them or their relationship with each other.
We don't know your dad so we can't judge. However, before jumping to conclusions talk to your dad about it. It may be as innocent as a little flaw as some of the other readers have said - that doesn't make him a bad person it makes him human and it doesn't make him love you or your brother any less.
Tell your dad you want him to be completely honnest with you because you want to understand what's going on. You'll never know what's really going on until you talk to him.
Hope this helps x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): i agree with most of the advice given. i totally disagree with Emily: your dad is NOT a child molester, a cheater perhaps but not a molestor.
i disagree with the other aunts telling you to basically butt out from your mum and dads relationship. decisions they make will affect both you and your brothers lives and you have every right to tell them to get their act together. just as they have a right to put you in your place if you misbehave/break the house rules, you too have a right to call them out if they do something contrary to the house rules.
you need to get one fact straight: you can nevr be the cause of any divorce. because you are doing nothing wrong. your father is (it seems) so he and your mother will only contribute to the ending of their marriage.
too many times too many adults tell children not to interfere. this is wrong. it means that as adults we are not answerable for our actions. this is hypocritical.
i have a suggestion for you. talk your dad out for coffee and tell him all your observations. ask him what is happening. if you cannot have a straight talk with him, confide in other responsible adults. perhaps an uncle who will be the one to have the difficult talk with your father. whatever happens, then happens.
adults are irresponsible and disrespectful when they have carte blanche to F up their kids lives. this is totally worng. as kids you have a reciprocal duty to "guide" your parents as well.
i know what i am talking about. very very recently, my hubby and i went through months of arguing, in front of the kids and in private. our marriage was going down. our kids called a family meeting, firstly telling us that they loved us, wanted us to work on our marriage, go to marriage counselling. my kids were crying, my hb was in tears and so was I. our kids loved us enough to call us out and remind us of our commitment to each other. they did not interfere, they loved us enough to give us their perspective, their feelings. this was a very humbling effect. it made my hb and myself to identify our issues, work at our marriage and basically get our sh1t together. it was breaking our kids hearts to see us destroying each other. what was also so humbling was that they did not grow up in an unhappy home, with bickering parents, so they were not used to arguments and tension at home. normal disagreements and fights but not with us talking divorce. so they knew that our fight were serious and our marriage was going downhill.
that talk from my little boy and his teenage sister saved our marriage. i am just so grateful, thankful and feel so honoured that my kids intervened and made us take cognisence of our marriage. their intervention saved their parents marriage. i have given you the shortened version but needless to say, our kids became our conscious. our marriage is back on track and we have to work at it every day. hard work but worth it.
so to all kids out there, as a parent, i say you have a right to have that difficult talk with your parents. it may just be that talk that saves your parents marriage. yes, it is not your job, your role to be a marriage counsellor but as parents we should also be accountable to you. i hate it when adults say children should be seen and not heard. more sense and value have come out of children. i wish more kids took the time to remind us as parents what we need to do and how to behave.
I do not have the answers to your problems but i know you love both your mum and dad. it is this love that will get you through the issues here. i know you do not want your mum to be hurt so someone,(anyone?) needs to have a word with your dad.
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): It worries me sometimes this site - as people give advice from the perspective of their own experiences ( moslty bad ones), and do not think about the consequences for the person asking the question.
TO the original POSTER of this QUESTION: Nowhere have you given any indication that your Dad is some kind of child molester, or has EVER caused you to think he IS. Please don't ADD this scenario to your already concerned state, your question had nothing to do with child molesting, merely your Dad had been caught looking at sites you would prefer him not to. I will REPEAT this does not make him a child molester.
And please DO NOT under any circumstances give your DAD an ultimatum, ultimatums do not work, they are NOT good way to communicate or working things through, they just cause more barriers and keep people from doing what ALL GOOD communicators do, and that is DISCUSS the issues surrounding the problem, whatever it may be.
AS for TELLING your Dad to seek marriage counselling, that would NOT be for you to decide, or instruct him to do, that is between YOUR Dad and Mom. Everything so far has been built around your fears of what you THINK your Dad MIGHT be doing or is going to DO. You cannot simply instruct people, you have to open up communication, otherwise if you do become heavy, it will simply drive a wedge between you and your Dad, pushing the issue further underground ( IF there is one) preventing you both talking.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Well this is a tricky one, the sites you saw may not mean he has actually been having an affair, but perhaps he's just looked at some pictures of women and the name of the website suggests otherwise. You are very considerate and are being very sensible about this, and ultimatly, you know your family the most, you know your dad and none of us do all we can do is give our thought. People always say follow your gut feeling, BUT, if you really do suspect something is wrong, you need to be sure about it before you speak out.In honesty, there is a difference between affair websites than pornography websites, however the names can often be misleading. I think the best thing to do is talk one on one to your dad about it, tell him what you saw and tell him your concern, you seem a mature enough teenager to do this, and usually from someones reaction and behaviour we can tell if they are hiding something. If you can see for sure the websites your dad has looked at, and you can go on to them, only then will you see if it is a proper affair site. Because if you've just saw the name of it it may not be what you think. You're mature, sensible and considerate enough to handle this I think, being open and honest I would talk to your dad.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Molestation, nonsense... hogwash and frightening, incorrect advice.
Please listen to Jilly, her advice is very helpful and honest and truthful.
We don't know what is going on in between your father and mother, and we don't know if they are happy with each other. The reason we ask you kids not to get involved, because you don't understand all the little stresses, games, and trauma's adults may have.
You have acted absolutely brilliantly. But it's causing you too much stress and that is not good. The most important people in the house are your brother and you, and if you are upset it is the duty of your parents to deal with it.
You asked your dad about the websites, you are not satisfied with his answer and you are still frightened. You need to go and talk to him again. Tell him exactly what you told us here. Tell him your brother has seen the same thing, and you don't understand and think he is thinking of leaving. Tell him your scared and confused.
You and your brother are the most important people to your parents. Your mother and father would hate to know you suffer like this and feel so alone. Your blaming yourself for doing something wrong. Kids often do this. But it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, your very precious to your dad. This is about something going wrong between him and your mum. We don't know if he just likes imaging other women, or if your mother is unkind and pushes him away, we don't know anything. He might just be feeling old and dreaming about an alternative life he could have if he didn't love you so much.
That's why you need to go to him and ask him to explain and tell him you are frightened. Mo matter what happens, your mother and father will try as hard as they can to make sure you and your brother are OK.
I know it's scary, go talk to him and let him worry so you can be carefree again. This is not because of you and your brother, you two have done nothing wrong, and your parents love you very much.
You have acted absolutely brilliantly. Your not lying to your mother, your just not getting involved in the business of adults, and that's the way it should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): OMG this is really scary. Sweetness you don't have with this crap alone. Give your dad an ultimatum that you will inform your mom if he doesn't stop. Also be aware in the event he tried to molest you. Men like him can do just anything. If he ever molested you sexually or tried to then tell your mom and report him to the police immediately!
Best luck hun,
Emily
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Ok, lets take this one step at a time, what a lovely thoughtful, sensitive girl you are, and so caring too. Well, your parents seem to have done a fine job, as your state of indecision as to whether to say anything or not, proves 100% that you have a nature that considers others, now I know we are born with a lot characteristics from our genes, but a lot is what we've learnt from our parents, and so my feeling is, try not to judge your Dad too much as YOU and YOUR younger brother do NOT know everything that passes between your Mom and Dad.
This is not say, or suggest there is anything between your Mom and Dad for you to worry about, just that adults sometimes do things that younger people may NOT understand, or possibly see as being right - Most YOUNG ADULTS (teenagers) due to the lack of lifes experiences, meaning man/woman relationships, built around real life, bill paying, keeping a stable home together, tend to see life and what parents should do/be in a very black and white way - Perfectly natural, as there are no experiences yet to pull on.
Life is never black and white, and although you have seen such websites on your Dads laptop or PC ( IF you are right) does not mean he doesn't care about YOU, YOUR BROTHER OR MOM, please, please, don't think that for one minute because he may have had a weak moment at wanting to look at a pretty girl, other than your Mom makes him bad, unloving or a caring Father. Often teenagers feel their parents are no longer people, as they are JUST Mom and Dad, who have no desires like 18 year olds - but they do, they are just imperfect like everyone else, with flaws, with weaknesses, which is what makes us all human.
And I wouldn't think for a moment that you Dad taking away phones and PC's at night anything to do with what you feel you saw - He sounds as though he is being a very caring and protective father. I would presume he has always watche the amount of time, and time of day you and your brother are online, so try not to look for reasons other than he is being caring, otherwise you may create situations out of worry that don't exist.
If you are close to your Dad, you could try to talk to him calmly about what's worrying you ( not at the moment when you've caught him, as that would put him on the defensive)but when you are doing normal things together, explain how you feel,that you are a little worried, give him the opportunity to treat you as the lovely sensible, young adult you are turning out to be.
You know, people don't stop being attracted to the opposite sex when they get married, or being curious, and looking at magazines, pictures...or the occasional erotic website, as that has nothing whatsoever do with a parent(or YOUR DAD) wanting to go off with anybody else. Really it doesn't. And you certainly haven't said anything bad or worrying about how your Mom and Dad are together, so try not to let this come between you and your Dad.
Perhaps some who read this, may think I'm wrong in telling you, that Moms and Dads do LOOK at others, only I feel it is true, realistic and fact, and for me, you are mature enough to understand and be treated with the respect of the truth, and not wrapped up in Fairy Tale cotton wool, which would not help you to come to terms with reality. May be your Dad has done this once or twice, or may be not, as I'm sure since being married to your Mom, he's looked at some girly magazines, it really isn't anything for you to overly worry about.
It's more important that your Mom and Dad are good together, they're affectionate and loving to each other, and that both care about the other one, they do things FOR and WITH each other, and if that seems pretty good, then I would say, your Dad is just being male and human.
I hope I've helped a bit..Let me know if you want.
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Your crying is not going to make your dad stay in this marriage. I would tell him to seek marriage counselling with mom, if that doesn't work out they can get a divorce. His response to your request will be key to much he wants to work on his marriage. Ask your dad to be a positive model. Tell your dad you don't understand his feelings but you would love him no matter what. You and your brother have to be strong and know that you can be happy even if daddy can't live with you.
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