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female
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*inky winky 100
writes: My bf and I have been together 3 years, but last year I learned that he had been unfaithful and although it hurt very much, I decided to stay with him and try and work through our problems. The last year has been hard but we have had good times and I don't regret staying with him. But I can't get back the same trust and I find myself checking his phone bills and worrying when he goes out without me. He is starting a new job in London and I am making myself sick with worry that he is going to be unfaithful again with someone from his new office. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Great advice immuno. I agree 100%. Just tell him how you feel without bringing up the past. You have to look forward to the future and not live in the past. I for one have made that mistake and try desperately to prove that it won't happen again. You are a very understanding person and should be commended. Communication is the first key to rebuilding that trust and if he loves you he will make the effort to show you that he is willing to do whatever it takes to win back that trust. Good Luck.
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female
reader, immuno +, writes (2 August 2006):
 You sound like a very understanding person, he is very lucky to have you. Was there problems with your relationship when he cheated? If this was the case perhaps he was trying to validate his desirability. Was it a one time stand or an affair? A one time stand could be the same scenario as the last, an affair would have much more emotions involved. Did this indiscretion occur at the beginning of your relationship? Sometimes when people start feeling like committing they get cold feet and try to assure themselves they are ready for commitment by playing the field one more time. All of these factors would have different answers many of which I did not even cover. Only time and actions will alleviate your feelings of suspiciousness. Trust is the cornerstone of all relationships and once it is lost it is very hard to get it back. I think even after it does comes back the wound will always have a scar (true love always leaves a mark). Let him know how you are feeling, vulnerable, but do it so as not to actually bring up the indiscretion itself, he will know why. No need to fight about something you cannot change. If he does not understand tell him to think about the scenario being reversed and chances are he will get it. Forgiveness is the first step and it sounds like you are already heading in that direction. Any way you approach this it is going to be tricky not to argue, stay calm, he will more than likely feel cornered and accused and guilty all over again which will no doubt make him want to withdraw or lash out. I wish you much happiness and a lot of strength.
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