A
female
age
41-50,
*ngie6
writes:i had a relationship for 3years with a guy.i love him very much and had changed myself so i would get along with him.but he never seem to be pleased no matter wat i do for him. he says he loves me too but the problem is that he keeps on cheating. i caught him cheating for the third time. though he said how sorry he is but he did it again and again. he also says its natural for guys to flirt. i am so devastated .i couldnt forgive and forget no matter how much i tried.he said he wont do it again.please tell me what would be the right thing to do?did i do the right thing by not forgiving him?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 August 2010):
Once all our basic needs are met - food, shelter, work, love and relationships; then after a while we all start to look for more. If we don't seek this "more" out, then a lot of unrest and unhappiness will result.
Once a relationship is past the new stages, which could be 6 - 18 months, everything becomes settled and although you're both fairly happy and get along well, there does come a time where each of you needs more than just the relationship alone. Like fulfilling personal dreams. If that feeling is not satisfied or fully investigated, then real feelings of disillusionment, resentment, disappointment and despair start to surface. And they can be pretty devastating.
Feeling helpless, it's at this stage, that escape activities occur - i.e. the casual sex; drinking excessively; drugs; gambling, workaholism, food addict, etc. These escapes work for a while, but they are very transitory because the novelty soon wears off as the 'escaper' realizes it doesn't solve the problem and it's not serving any real purpose other than to forget.
It's like one day you wake up dissatisfied with your life, even if you love your job and love your relationship. When you begin to get those feelings, don't give up. It's a sign.
That's when the search begins. It's well worth the effort.
A
female
reader, angie6 +, writes (15 August 2010):
angie6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is in reply to d anonymous as fo d term cheating or flirting. well he had physical contact with others.n wile he ws goin out wit me he kept relationship with other girls also which he denied n humiliated those other girls. at d end he admitted it because d girl got pregnant which scared d hell out of him n he needed my help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Learn from this relationship. Learn to look out for yourself and that some men (and women) will assume that when their partner sticks around, cheating isn't so bad.
It's not worth the heart ache to be in a relationship with a cheater. And no matter what, YOU can not change another person. Only THEY can change themselves and only if they truly want to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Serial cheaters are just idiots. They'll jeopardise any relationship there ever in!!
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A
female
reader, angie6 +, writes (12 August 2010):
angie6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear friends, m so overwhelmed and touched by ur all ur support. I feel so happy and light reading all ur answers n i js cant stop smiling. I cn now live freely that he's not worth loving at all n i made the right decision by not forgivin and breakin up wit him. He made me feel guilty and held me responsible by blaming me till the very end. Its been a month since we didnt talk to each other. I had stooped so low n lost all my self esteem and yes! m partly to blame maself for letting him use me.i hope ds time i b able to sail through especially with all ur love and support. thank you all for all the answers.
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A
male
reader, james8800 +, writes (12 August 2010):
dam straight once a cheater always a cheaters sorry to say move on there a plenty of descent and respectful guys out there that will treat u with the respect and loyality that u deserve
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 August 2010):
Maybe you do too much for him. Sometimes the more you do for a person, the less they appreciate it. Less is more.
Take a step back a bit and allow him to do things for you instead.
Also, make a life for yourself so you don't depend on him entirely for your happiness. We are all responsible for our own happiness, no-one else. It will take the pressure off him to make you happy, if you make yourself happy.
Make contact with your friends again, and also start some new hobbies and interests. This will make your life more interesting and make you happier and at peace with the world. You'll also be much more relaxed.
You both need your own space so if you are not living together, this is easy to do. Restrict seeing each other to only once or twice a week. If you are living together, have at least one or two nights doing your own thing. Not all night, just a couple of hours at the most. Some time apart from each other to pursue personal interests, will add some spice to the relationship.
You both need a certain amount of independence. Otherwise it could become stifling and go a bit stale.
Hope this helps you. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): There is a question here that begs to be asked. You said he claimed that it is natural for men to "flirt". So what do you constitute as "cheating"?
Did he sleep with another woman 3 times? Did he only kiss someone else? Ask for a phone number, send texts, or what?
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A
female
reader, Angel Wisper  +, writes (12 August 2010):
You are with the wrong man. You deserve someone who will never cheat on you and will respect and love you for WHO YOU ARE. While you're sitting at home thinking about ways to keep him happy, do you think he's thinking about ways to keep YOU happy?...NO! He's not. He's terribly selfish. You need to re-train your attitude that focuses attention on YOUR happiness and mental wellbing. Focus on improving your self-esteem and learn to understand that you deserve a good man. If you carry on in this relationship, he will drain you emotionally and physically, never leaving you with enough time to think about your happiness because you're too busy thinking about his.
He's a low life, selfish, loser with no prospect in life. Losers never get good women, so why are you still there?...He will learn one day but unfortunately that won't be until you're gone for GOOD!
If and I hope WHEN you prepare to leave, he will no doubt come back for you because he cannot stand losing control, but put your foot down and lay the bounderies for yourself. Demand respect and make something of your life.
You've had some really good advice from people today. You sound like a really sweet genuine girl and I wish you the very best. x
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A
female
reader, xxmissyxx +, writes (12 August 2010):
 just call him and tell him what you've been trying to say.. that is.. he is someone undeserving of love and that if u make the mistake of calling him again to ignore you.. lol just saying.. but u know vent if u want to.. sometimes it helps
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 You did the right thing by not forgiving him. He is not right, this is not something that is "natural" for men to do. If he can't stick to one partner alone then he should not be in a relationship! Simple as that. Just walk away and don't look back, he is not worth you.
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A
female
reader, antanelly  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Honey
Seriously this guy seemingly never gets how lucky he is to have a girl like you. He is most probably one lucky guy and he doesnt know it. I mean it appears u gave him chance after chance and all he ever seems to do is repeat the same mistakes and let you down time and time again.
Do yourself a favor and just leave him. They are many guys out there willing to give their all for you and u may seeing that opportunity wasting your forgiveness on someone who doesn't even deserve it. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, don't allow yourself to settle for less, you deserve better than this. You are not his part time lover darlin.. HE's not worth it :)
Hope it helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): I feel the underlying problem is NOT only with this guy cheating on you, but a lot to do with your own self-esteem. I note you say " and had changed myself so i would get along with him.but he never seem to be pleased no matter wat i do for him. " NO one should ever change to please, fit or anything else for someone. IF you do, it's the quickest way for a guy or female to lose interest and respect.
You sound an absolutely LOVELY, warm, genuine girl, but with a need to address why YOU say you love a guy who does not treat you well. Three years is a very short amount of time for a guy to have cheated already 3 times.
Without knowing him, but from what you say, he's a guy who likes power, in the way of liking a female who will bow down to him, change for him, then he FEELS more secure to ACT the way he does, as he KNOWS he has someone to come back to when he tires of the new lover...From his point of view, he can have his cake and eat it, no risk of losing anything, which doesn't make sound foundations for a long term relationship.
It's a vicious circle sadly, the more he cheats, the more you try to please him, the more he takes you for granted and the MORE YOU feel insecure and not important to him.
There is a great BOOK written by a psychologist on ' How to win the one you Love' it is NOT at all sentimental, or fairy tale driven, it's FACTS on how human beings fall in love and what makes them fall in love, and be faithful. It is a fascinating read, and very helpful in gaining insight into what makes us do the things we do.
AS for his ' EXCUSE ' that all men flirt, is really inexcusable as you are not talking about flirting, you are talking about jumping into bed with someone else other than you. You must stand up for yourself, what you believe in, and have BOUNDARIES, that no matter who the man is, IF he crosses those boundaries he's OUT, he's gone, and you must make that known when embarking on a relationship.
These boundaries must be made up of what are RIGHT for you, say, i.e cheating would most certainly be one of them, and as I say, a guy crosses this line, it ends. Now this guy doesn't have any boundaries from you, as proven, there is no point he has to consider IF I cheat, it will be over. He talks you round, you yes and no him, not literally, but in a sense he has you wrapped around his little finger, a security blanket for him to explore elsewhere.
Please, Please don't let anyone to do this to you, and as difficult as it is when you love someone, you have to put a STOP to this emotional roller-coaster, it's the only way to build up your own self-esteem and confidence again.
Report back and let us know how and what you decide to do.
Take care!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, angie6 +, writes (12 August 2010):
angie6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for the reply. if really boost me and makes me realise i made the right decision.
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A
male
reader, Cloverfield +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I believe that in life, once you cross a line, there is no going back. He's proven to you that he's capable of messing around with other girls, then lying to your face without giving him any moral issues. Stick to your guns & don’t forgive this time. Even if he promised to be faithful, & actually was, you'd always have doubt in the back of your mind which would eventually destroy any relationship.
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A
female
reader, Chelsea*Rose +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Hello,
I first just want you to ask yourself a question: Are you worthy of being happy? If you answered yes to this question, then you should really re-think this relationship that you are in. People can only hurt you if you let them... you continue to accept his behavior and so why should he stop? That is his logic in the situation. You wrote that you changed yourself to get along with him. No! No! No! You are who you are and if that means finding someone else who loves you for you, then so be it!! Also, you cannot expect any changes from him. If he is continuing to cheat, he is not planning on stopping anytime soon. Besides, if he knows that "I'm sorry baby, I love you and I won't do it again" is all he has to say to get you to stay, then he has no intention of stopping. Do yourself a world of good and put that man behind you permanently!
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