A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a 5 year relationship which has dwindled to companionship and financial ties to my partner. I do love him, but I am afraid to leave and the upheaval it would bring. I met someone last year through work and fell madly in love with him and I do believe he felt the same. I ashamedly betrayed my partner, having always been loyal in in the past.I ceased all contact with the other man, but am consumed with guilt as I know people in love don't cheat on their partners - and yet I can't walk away knowing I am not in love with him anymore. I feel I may have let the other man slip through my fingers. He is a true person and fiercely loyal, having come out of a long term relationship. I sincerly regret betraying my partner, but I regret more so the man whom I think I could have a real chance of happiness with - I dont know what to do... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): Hi Sweetie,
Be brave and leave. Not for the other man but for yourself. There's a whole world out there, go for it, you won't regret it! Also, take your time with any new relationship, the opportunity to experience life on your own before leaping headfirst into another serious relationship is really worth taking.
Best of luck! x x x
A
female
reader, didapoo  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Well, maybe you should just take a break from your partner, and see where that leads you. Start by being true to yourself. Find out what your true passions are. Live life as YOU want, dont follow a "map" that someone else wants you to follow. Maybe this other man wasnt supposed to be more than a wake up call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to be happy, but whether it is with him or not... but then happiness seems to be such an elusive concept. I realise that I need to summon the courage to be honest with myself and to have the courage to break away. Its not that my partner is a bad person, things have just ground into an endless mundane loveless cycle... The other man I fell for -well we both fought how we felt for such a long time and he told me to stay away because he knew I had a partner. He told me to make up my mind and to not break two hearts. I know I have hurt him by cutting him off entirely, but I am hurting myself and my partner more by staying. My whole life seems mapped out ahead and if I were to continue I think it would be soul destroying. you're right in saying that I should imagine coping and being alone... and I think Ive ruined any chance Ive had with the other man by my treatment of him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I am in your shoes!...except my decision requires moving thousands of miles away. Every time I want to make this leap (which deep down I do for all the reasons you describe - love and happiness) I find I stop and justify why it is so much more sensible to stay put - roof over head, financial stability, better the devil you know. My relationship is also loveless but some thing in me keeps me stuck here. I have put a lot of thought into it and I can only think that it is fear that keeps us rooted. We automatically default to the easy option that is at least safe (what we know, what we're used to) even if we are unhappy - its as if we cannot acknowledge that happiness = better = you can have it! However I think a series of small intermediate steps can help as I am starting to do this right now (making financial plans, doing some research on places to live etc) and I think when you have created a new stability with this other guy or even without him you may find the courage to leave. It is easy for everyone to say "just do it" "make the leap" but much harder to carry it out. I have imagined the worse case scenario - i.e. both relationships are ruined and I'm on my own. Facing that prospect and saying "yes I could cope" also helps.
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A
female
reader, didapoo +, writes (12 February 2008):
Very well put, and I think that happiness is the tie that binds us to life, if that makes any sense. Anyway, you need to decide if you want love or things. Maybe you should tell your husband that you are thinking of leaving. See what he says.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Many men can be one or the other , a breadwinner or a Casanova. It is rare to find both in a man.
You want his money and his time . Which do you love more?
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