A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband had sex with a women that we were couples friends with over 20 years ago. I did not know of the one night stand at the time. She would not go on with the affair. But my husband admits that he lusted for her for another 10 years. During this time our sex life just died. He had all kinds of reasons why, work, he just preferred pron. Worse yet we continue to see this couple occasionally for over 10 years after this happened.I just found out what the real reason for the death of our sex life was the other women. He has told me he has only loved me and it was guilt that distoryed our sex life. He has begged me to stay with him, and I am not proud but we are now having sex and it is pretty good. I don't know if I can forgive him or trust him again. I am in my 50's and not sure I want to start over after 35 plus years of marriage.
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affair, one night stand, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Since you've only recently found out, it's "new" to you. To him, it's 20 years ago. That changes the way the two of you will be coming at the situation.
I'm not going to condone what he did -- cheating is horribly hard on a relationship, as you've discovered all too vividly. Only you can decide whether you can forgive him. That takes time, so my suggestion would be to give yourself that time before you make a decision.
You might consider whether his behaviour since the affair redeems him in any way. We all make mistakes.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (28 June 2009):
 I think it's time to give marriage counseling a shot. It's hard to recover after the trust is gone but if you're both willing to work on the marriage that's a good sign. 35 years is a long time and it will be even longer if you don't address the lack of trust and resentment.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
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female
reader, airn230 +, writes (28 June 2009):
If that happened I don't think trusting is an option it has already been tested and that test failed. However, i was always told that divorce is the easy road out and staying married is the real test. If you can still love him and he loves you, then there is something worth fighting for. So the question you need to ask yourself is do you think its worth fighting for and something he wants to fight for. You either seem more concerned about the fact that your sex life died and not the actual fact that he slept with someone else, or concerned about the fact that he lusted after this woman for so long. I am confused on what upsets you more. I am sure you feel betrayed, but if you can get past this, then you two have a strong bond. This is the ultimate test, and you need to find out what is in your best interests. Sometimes counseling can be helpful in sorting out all these issues, it creates a meeting ground, and sometimes all you need is to let it all out. I don't think this message board is the answer to you problem, but I hope it leads you down the path that's right for you. I wish you the best on your way down that path and I hope there is blue skies ahead.
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female
reader, Sexy cat +, writes (28 June 2009):
I think u should stay with him even though he cheated on u it has been 35 years plus years of marriage.I think u should just forget about wat happened between him and his mistress.I hope this helps good luck
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A
male
reader, dan026 +, writes (28 June 2009):
 That's a tough decision. He betrayed you and was able to decieve you for many years. That is selfish of him. Essentially, what you had is over anyway because as you said, "I can't trust him..." and that is murder on a relationship. At least if you do leave him, eventually you will get to a point where you are over him enough that this deception no longer eats at you everyday, and likely find another to build a healthy relationship with. If you stay you will likely not be happy and constantly wonder if he is having an affair, or had others. The past is a good indicator of the future. In the end though, you know him better than anyone here and if you believe he is truly remorseful for what he did, rather than being caught,then it is possible to fix the relationship.
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