A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently engaged to a man seven years older than I, and we've been together for three years. About a year and a half ago, my father passed away from a long-term illness. My fiancée knew my father, and of his illness, and that time was quickly slipping through our fingers.The night he passed, I had gone to the opening night of a movie my fiancée wanted to see very badly. We had tickets for weeks. I went to the movie instead of seeing my father who had been sent to the ER earlier in the day - though I did make the trip after the movie. My fiancée didn't want to come with me.I had my visit and returned home to my fiancée, as we had been living together for awhile by that point. We stayed up late and talked, and eventually went to bed. I couldn't sleep. Then I got the phone call that I had to return to the hospital urgently. My fiancée rolled over and went back to sleep. In the five minutes it took me to drive to the hospital after hanging up the phone - I was too late, and had to find my father had already passed - alone.To this day, a year later, this selfish decision by my fiancée haunts me. It's hard for me to trust him with anything - because I'll always assume that he just won't do what he says he will, or that he just won't be there when I need him. While he has apologized, I've never truly believed that he has sorry. He hasn't even tried to make it up to me, in any form. Life has continued on in a repetitive, monotonous routine. He still wants to marry me, and he wants me to have his children. While I know I do still love him very much, despite how badly his actions still wound me, I can't trust in him. I can't trust that he'll even be at the altar on our wedding day. I can't trust that he'll be there when I deliver his children.Will I ever be able to trust him again? Is there anything he/I/we can do to bridge this gap? He truly feels like there's nothing wrong. He doesn't deny that he hurt me, but there has been no 'going out of his way' or 'extra mile' to ensure that I can still trust him.Am I irrational for expecting him to?
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male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (16 November 2010):
 The way our significant other deals with our pain and suffering is a greatly overlooked quality in a mate. Now there is no way he could have know what was your last chance to see your Father, but still, he showed disregard for the gravity of your emotions.
The other thing, some people are extremely weird and terrible at dealing with death and or serious illness. For me, this is a major problem. For exactly the reasons you are feeling. Fair-weather friends are bad, but fair-weather lovers are worse.
What makes it worse? If the significant other has a double standard about this. Often, the very person that ignores our agony (or potential agony) is the one demands constant attendance when the situation is reversed.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I bet if he was given the chance to go back in time and do things differently then he would... but he can't. Perhaps he didn't grasp just how important this was to you or just how close to death your father really was... has he ever lost anyone close to him before?
He should have been there, you're right, but what's done is done and given that it was a year and a half ago, it sounds like you are almost blaming him in some way for you not being with your father when he passed...
I'm sorry for your loss, but if you can't get over this and forgive him after a year and a half, then that's not exactly a great sign that your marriage will last. Being able to work through problems, forgive and move on is crucial- if you never truly forgive, then all these things can just become "accumulated ammunition" for arguments. Not healthy.
I'm not entirely convinced that he hasn't already tried to make it up to you or go the "extra mile" and you just haven't acknowledged it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Hi. Im very sorry to hear about your dad. It must have been a very traumatic time for you. As partners its our job to be there for each other. Without that, we have nothing. You feel your partner let you down. And badly too. If hes shown no remorse its easy to feel he didnt care. Thats a scary thought and one that will bother you. He sounds a little selfish and boring. You know what he wants....you to marry him and provide children. Try telling him what you want. For example, reliability, understanding, empathy and love. If he cant satisfy you in those areas then theres no point in being with him x
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