A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story, but please help me.My guy and I have been together for a year, we’ve known each other and have had an on and off relationship for the past 5 years. After a year of separation, we got back together and it’s been hell for me since. He disappeared from the face of the earth for that year, he was in jail. During that time I did my best to move on. Once released he called me with a sob story, “I’ve been in jail, I love you, I need help getting on my feet”, and being the woman I am, I helped him. I love him. I have always loved him. Needless to say, we got back together shortly after. During the time we’ve been together, he’s been back to jail 3 times, underwent a surgery, been involved in “hood” activities, and I stuck with him through all of this. He has 5 kids of his own with 3 different baby mamas. He has custody of 3, pays child support for 1. 5 months ago he asked me for money saying that he had to pay child support or he would go to jail, I gave it to him. He has to pay every week and I’ve been the stupid one to help him. Let me say here, I work extremely hard with 3 jobs (one being a business that I own), I’m remodeling my home, 2 cars, I have 2 kids (a son, and my niece) and 5 (family members) living with me. I am taking care of EVERYTHING in my household, by myself! Knowing all of this my boyfriend constantly asks me for money. And gets upset when I can’t give, I get the guilt trip, crying, anger, cursing and all. Currently he has no job, he lost it after 4 months for a reason he refuses to tell me still. Long story short, due to my soft spoken nature and blindness in love, I have ran through approximately $9,234.00 within 6 months time on him. I am now having a hard time providing for my own family…duh! I have always had a good heart, unselfish willing to give my last, however as of late the feeling of being used has snuck upon me. Last week while at work, I received a phone call from one of the mothers of his children. I had never spoken to either of them before. She told me that my boyfriend had been using me for money, lying to me about the things he needed it for and was still seeing her. This woman also knew a lot of intimate details about me that I could not overlook. After listening to her for a minute, I hung up. She continued to text me for the next 4 ½ hours, saying I needed to leave him, he was lying among other things, I never responded. When I confronted him, he told me that she had called him and asked for money, when he refused she told him that she would make his life a living hell and she would call me. When I asked how she could know all these things about me, he said that his brother’s girlfriend is friends with her and he talks to his brother so that’s how she knows. I did not believe any of that at all. The next day he asked me for $250 to pay off a debt, I was leery. His son from Miami is with him, as well as the mother and according to the call I received the money he needed the week before went on their tickets to visit him, which means he lied to me about the reason he needed it. There are so many things that do not add up, causing me for the first time to feel insecure in any relationship. Currently he’s in the hospital (he was supposedly jumped on), he has internal bleeding from his ribs being broken and piercing his lung. The doctors told him that he had 36 hours or so to live if they could not fix it. When he called me, I asked him the normal questions that a concerned girlfriend would. Every question I asked, he did not want to answer, he was very short and impatient. I hung up the phone. You don’t call someone tell them you have a time limit on your life and refuse to talk. He said that the nurse was in the room and he couldn’t talk, his kids were there, he didn’t care about dying so he didn’t want to know what the doctor’s were saying, didn’t care about me blah blah blah. This upset me, really upset me. I believe that everything I had been feeling from the week before and throughout the whole relationship and I blew up. I told him to go to hell. I’m currently out of town so I called the hospitals, none of them had him as a patient except one; they released him that afternoon. At this point I boiled over with anger. He called me back, told me his family was making arrangements and everything, the surgery is tomorrow. I asked him to give me the number to his room so we could talk; he said he needed to be to himself for a while. He put a guilt trip on me, saying I was cold hearted for arguing with him at a time like this, I was just like everybody else, I didn’t care for him, etc. I asked for his aunts number so I could help with anything; he told me he needed to tell his visitors bye and he would call me back to give me the number. He never did. It’s a Saturday night, I’ve never known a hospital to carry out a surgery on a Sunday morning. At this point I can’t trust anything that he tells me. He has been using me as a crutch and I have been his enabler. He has completely broken me down and I am running on fumes. I don’t believe anything he says, and yes the phone call has a lot to do with it. I am beyond angry, but with him telling me all that’s happening part of me feels bad for my reaction.Am I wrong for feeling this way when he claims to need me most or is there a small percent of justification? Please give me some advice on how to handle this situation. Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank each of you for your honest advice. I really appreciate it. It reinforces the way I've been feeling for the past few months. I might seem like a simple minded person, but better late than never to get my mind right and free myself from a mess. The fact is that I looked past all the red flags in the name of love. It was never about sex, not about not wanting to be alone, I just settled for what I didn't have to. I tried to find something good that clearly was never there. I called myself trying to help, all the while hurting myself. I know my mistakes. I know that I allowed myself to be used that's why I came here, to get outside support. Thank you for giving it to me.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 I'll be intentionally brutal : the way for you to handle this , is to put your head under an ice cold water tap and let it run till you come back to your senses - Then look at yourself in the mirror, give yourself a couple of nice tight slaps ,and say OMyGod what have I done. And feel it.
I am sorry to say this, because while I never mince words in my posts, I also never actually TRY to be mean, or to make people feel ashamed for their human mistakes. But in your case, I think that if you don't feel a little shame for the way you have set YOURSELF up, and disregarded all and any of the evident red flags out of...what ?...you won't snap out of this reverie ,like this was actually a relationship, and he was actually a loving bf ,but then something went wrong.
You weren't helping a bf, you were paying him. The only reason he stayed ( somewhat ) around was because he needed to milk you for cash. Don't believe me ? Then, make an experiment, call him back all nice and sweet, tell him that all is forgiven and forgotten, and that you want to restart from scratch, all new , all based on mutual trust and love blah blah blah. Only, no money sorry, Not a red cent. Alas you can't afford it anymore, and he will have to do with your love and kisses. And hear the whoosh of his steps in flight .
Your explanation is that you are nice and compassionate and helpful and you don't like to say no, ok, but compassion must be matched to the people and circumstances, otherwise it's just utter insanity. If you were a childless single, or even a woman with grown up kids, OK, you decide how much your personal pleasures are worth to you. But you have a child ( two with the niece, if you are providing for her ), you can't just do the heck you want with money. Or, you can- but then don't feel bad when it comes a day, even excluding anything real bad , when your kid needs dental braces, or has a bad case of acne requiring expensive cures, or needs to see a child psychologist for some typical teen trouble, ... and you have to say " Oh sorry, mom can't help you because she blew away 10 grands on her ex con gigolo ".
And, btw, when you have a child, unluckily you also have to be more discriminating in your choice of partners, a 4 times ex jail guest ? - with hood " activities " . Lovely role model for your kids, you may say he never even came close to them, never even met them- right, and then what did you want to do ? In case he hadn't busted his cover, and had stayed around for much more time ( you are SO lucky that it did not happen ! )-where you going to keep him away from your family forever ? You are not a starry eyed teen anymore, you know by now that " love conquers it all " does not cut it- if you want a partner now, his life, lifestyle, life vision, must match, or at least mesh with yours, with your plans for your future, your kids, your family, your job, your spending habits...
What can you do know ? Nothing, but kiss your 9000 gobye, and learn a lesson. Or several lessons , which all basically amount to one : a pece of dick, the best piece of dick in the world, is never worth compromising your financial stability, your dignity, your self respect and your peace of mind. Choose better in future , and let them PROVE that they care before opening your heart, and your wallet . Hint : saying things is not proving anything- actions must match. Actions like, uh, maybe finding a job and keeping it ? and not hitting you regularly for money ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): Reading your story sends jolts through me to realize my own situation. I did, the hard part is not going back. Your situation is very similar. You're a giver by nature, and u nuture those u love. Once u fall in love your intuition and gut instinct goes out the window. Everything is invested in that person u love to see them well and over their problems. All they have to do is cry a little and sell a sob story. Whatever u have my dear I have it too. N I wouldn't be surprised if ur zodiac was cancer or another nuture one.
Point is.....he's using u. N even if he wasn't, what can he possibly contributebesides an erect penis, which I'm sure is painstakingly simple. He sees the patter. Plus u spoiled him. Constantly bailing him out even if he tried supporting himself he may fail. U should definitely completely sever the communication with him. No calls texts emails visits. This guy will emotionally and mentally drain u. N then what, who will provide for those five ppl in ur house once u can't. This guy is not a good investment, it won't get u much of a return. N u should consider your well being. It is not money well spent. To help him get on his feet is to allow him to stay rent free for maybe 2 months so he find a job save n move out. U r giving straight cash.....bad idea. Trust me, if u stop giving money he will leave. It shouldn't have taken a phone call for u to feel iffy about him. He is a repeat jail bird offender, pathological liar, connoisseur of deceit, selfish, risky, unfaithful, un motivated. Please leave this dude for he kills u, n by kill I mean stress u to death with his issues. U have kids to live for. Wake up
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A
female
reader, Alba5  +, writes (30 June 2013):
Honey, the writing is on the wall read it! As much as you need a person in your life to love you and care about you is he it? You already said you are an emotional crutch and that's what you are. Please for your own sanity stop answering the phone to this guy, he is using you. He doesn't give you the right information and he is playing on your wonderful kindness.
If a man has as many children with as many partners surely that should tell you what kind of guy he is?
Darling believe in you, you are an amazing gifted, generous person who doesn't deserve a coward of a boy (he isn't a man)to play with your emotions. He is going to continue to you use you as long as you are there for him..... STOP. You came here for advice because you knew something is wrong. Contact some close friends, go away for a few days and see reality for what it is.
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