A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been at university since September and after a few weeks I started dating this guy. He's a very sweet loving person and always is there for me but sometimes when I want a serious chat it's like he just can't handle things. I used to class him as my best friend but not anymore I guess. I went home for the weekend and my parents had a massive argument which was physically and verbally abusive. So I come back to talk with him about it and he just brushes it off with humour.This weekend a friend of a friend (who comes up once every two months-ish) was here and we went out as a group of friends. My boyfriend didn't come out with us one of the nights and that was when I started to have serious doubts about our relationship. The guy that came up is funny but can be serious when he wants to. He was a little touchy-feely when we were out, like holding hands and putting his hands on my sides but nothing bad.But it was this that is making me /want/ to cheat. Sure, me and my boyfriend are happy together but things are on my mind a lot. I don't want to break up with him but I just don't know what I want. I'm conscious that it's almost valentine's day too and I honestly just don't know what to do. I'm also worried that if I break up with him our friendship group will suffer and I don't want that.Please help!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 OP said these things:
“but sometimes when I want a serious chat it's like he just can't handle things.”
And:
“I used to class him as my best friend but not anymore I guess.”
And:
“I started to have serious doubts about our relationship.”
AND:
“like holding hands and putting his hands on my sides but nothing bad.”
AND:
“But it was this that is making me /want/ to cheat.”
OP this is my take on it
1. You are not as happy as you say/pretend.
2. Holding hands with a man not your partner is not innocuous. I might hug a male friend hello. IF I went out socially in a mixed group and my husband was not with me, I could not be accused in any way of cheating or flirting or leading someone on… can you say the same about the night you went out with this guy that you are drawn to? Do you realize that while it’s ok to say “hey that’s an attractive man!” about someone, that if you were TRULY happy and content in your relationship, you would not be even entertaining the idea of this new guy…
3. NOT knowing what you want is the KEY to knowing that your current relationship is lacking and you need to end it sooner rather than later.
4. Staying with a partner so your “friendship group” doesn’t suffer is not a good plan. You will cheat. You will lie, you will have guilt… and then you will be branded as a cheater…. NOT a good rep to get.
Go to your boyfriend and tell him the truth. IT will hurt him. You will cry. He may cry. He may beg and plead and promise to change. You can surely give him another chance if you want but the fact that you want to cheat or are even considering it, does not bode well for your current relationship.
A
male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Hey, I started University in September too! Ain't it the best thing ever? But alas, I digress!You started dating a few weeks into September which means that it has been, what, 5 months? Bad sign for the relationship if you're having doubts already. Simply going out without him shouldn't get you thinking because that means he has to be there with you 24/7 to make sure it's him you want. But cheating? That's terribad. Never justified. Except...no, never. Not even in monopoly. Think monogamy.As for the other guy, he comes up once every two months-ish. Can I assume we don't know him very well? Let's assume we don't know him very well. I don't think you should look at him as an alternative per se. I mean yes, he can be funny and serious, but that's only in so much as you've seen of him so far. Not to mention that he probably looks ten times shiner because you're comparing him to a boyfriend you're not particularly big on at the moment.I'd advise you to really work on your current relationship if you really do like your boyfriend. I get it, if you tell him serious things you want him to be serious, but it's a young relationship. You're still learning each other and talks of physical and verbal abuse can be very hard to handle for the learning listener sometimes because they don't know how the other person wants them to respond, so they react in the way they feel safest(lord knows why your guy chooses comic relief, but details, details). TALK TO HIM. Best way forward. If that doesn't work, then maybe you might want to consider breaking up but even then the other guy doesn't seem like much of an alternative for a relationship. He just sounds convenient.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): He may not be mature enough to give you advice about what happened. You're young still and unfortunately many times girls mature faster than boys. I'd give it some time and keep getting to know him, but if you can't have a serious talk EVER, it will be very hard to build a meaningful relationship with him.
Be careful about flirting with this other guy...I think you are looking at this other guy to fill the void that your boyfriend isn't filling. That's not such a good idea.
Talk to your boyfriend. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (3 February 2013):
 "Me and my boyfriend are happy together" well, the retort to that is no you obviously are not, why else after-all would you want to cheat and have "serious doubts" about your relationship? You don't want to break up with him but I think at least part of you obviously does, it wants the perfect break up with no fuss and no mess and no consequence, particularly it would seem for your friendship group which is understandable (though I would say imagine the consequences of not breaking-up but doing something like cheating would have for that group and your standing within it. Now, something has obviously happened to your bf that has made him so glib and I dont think you know what. Inappropriate humour is a nervous reaction so id suggest your right he doesnt know how to deal with what your telling him but the real question is why considering he was always there for you. Does this reaction kick in when your trying to have a serious chat about one topic in particular or is there a common theme to when this happens? I suspect the answer matters to you and will ultimately decide what you do because the answer really determines how likely it is you will be able to fix your relationship.If you think this is worth saving, sit him down and confront him, if you have lost all hope that it is then I think its time to go.
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