A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't take the blaming anymore. Ive been dating a man for over a year and everything that goes wrong, every insecurity he has is somehow a result of something I've done. If his boss doesn't return a call to him, it's because of me. If someone looks at me as he and I walk down the street together, it's because of something I've done. I am called a wh*re about 4-5 times a week (multiple times with each disagreement, 4-5 time a wee). Yesterday, for example, I came home from work and got changed so we could walk around. I am greeted with a barrage of accusations, that I slept with someone at work, that I didn't take the train home from work, that I didn't stop by a store on my way home to look at the sales, that I didn't have an HR meeting because the organization I am working for is merging, etc. Then, after I change into a summer dress, I am told "you're wearing that? You wh*re, you American wh*re. My boss isn't calling me back and it's because you're uneducated and ruined everything that I've worked for two years to create." Needless to say, I left the apartment to breathe.The day before, he sent me a text message to meet him outside of his former employers office after I was done with work - which is way out of my way/commute, but I was happy to see my man. I waited outside for 45 minutes and was sitting on a ledge outside of the building when he walks out with his boss. I was not expecting his boss to be with him so I started to walk away so they could speak and I would wait for him down the street. He asked where I was going and I said that I wanted to give them time to finish what they needed to speak about, introduced myself to his boss and we made smalltalk until the boss' driver came to pick him up. Immediately, as my boyfriend and I walk to a restaurant, I am asked "why didn't you answer my phone call [7 hours ago]? why did you wait for me here? I don't like the way you acted, my boss doesn't respect me for the way you acted, like a wh*re, walking away". I explained that after one year of being called a wh*re, and having my self-confidence worn down, that I initially walked away because he had kept his relationship with his boss so coveted from me that I didn't want to be in the way; only to be told that I am being overdramatic and that I must have received no education.His boss has not called him back and he has been cussing at me all morning, saying that it is entirely my fault and the way that I acted while I was waiting for him for 45 minutes outside of his office, that his boss is not getting back to him. This is the most minor example; but it is eating away at me and I do not know what to do. I have told him that he is being unfair and that I did not do anything wrong. I took three holidays from work so we could go away together this weekend and he cancelled the trip because he doesn't want to spend time with me because I have "ruined everything". I am constantly accused of being unfaithful. If I am late getting on the metro from work, I am accused of getting a ride from someone who I work with. If a meeting at work runs late, I am told that I was being intimate with someone...the list goes on and on and on.I don't know what keeps me here. If this was the way it was when we started to date, I would never have stayed with him. I can step outside of who I am and realize how ridiculous I am being, to stay. But when I think about ME and what's going on inside of ME, I crumble, I am empty, I have no strength. Please know, I have NEVER been unfaithful, he KNOWS this.Please provide insight.Thanks
View related questions:
at work, I work with, my boss, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): From your statement of "American wh*re" it would seem that your boyfriend is not American. He would then be a foreigner from a culture where sex outside of marriage is not considered good. So I may have an explanation as to why he is like this to you. You are probably very attractive to him. So, in the beginning he would have been very nice to you because he wouldn't have had feelings for you and would've thought that you wouldn't have a relationship with him. Now that he does have feelings for you he would be extremely insecure that if you had sex outside of marriage once you will do it again with him. And for this reason he will do everything in his power to keep you in control "for your own good". Your being faithful for 25+ years will not change this! There is no question that you WILL leave this person. You will either leave him now or after you marry him, or you will marry him and stay miserable with him and wish you had left him. If you say that you're going to leave him he will switch back to the nice person he used to be when you started dating him because he will be worried that he will lose you. Once you agree to be with him again, he will become this insecure person again that does nothing but tear you down. Unless you can suddenly become a virgin now and just lock yourself in an apartment for him to visit at his whim you have to leave him. As for the boss meeting, if you didn't walk away you would be blamed for making a pass at his boss and then that would be the reason why he hasn't called. Regardless of how you act, he will always point out the bad side. I can say this again, this relationship will never work until he stops being insecure while he has you (he won't) or you magically become a virgin. You don't have the power to fix this, you have to leave and let him marry a virgin or someone from his culture. He won't be happy with you and you won't be happy with him. He cannot fix this problem in his head, he will always be super insecure with you.
A
male
reader, MANswers +, writes (26 June 2009):
Insight is that you need to leave this guy. Period!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): Please pardon the my language and bluntness:
What the hell are you wasting your time with this disrespectful a**hole for?
Honestly.. love yourself enought to get out..
good greif girl.. life is what you make it.
~Sy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (26 June 2009):
It seems to me you know what you need to do unless you like being treated like a dog i would suggest that you move on and tell him how you really feel he is immature and looking for someone to blame why would his boss not call him just because he called you and said meet me here he sounds like a idiot and you are putting up with it get you a new man you sound desperate if you know what he is doing is wrong and you continue to stay day after day i wish a man would call me a whore he is trying to bring you down to his level and dont let him do it stand up for you because he isnt going to stand up for you and be the man you need him to be
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 June 2009):
My goodness! Please leave this a-hole! You already know that he is ridiculous and that everything he blames you for is NOT your fault. What an idiot he is! Leave him before he brainwashes you into believing that everything is your fault. Obviously, you're educated and a smart woman. He doesn't deserve you, in fact he doesn't deserve anyone. He should be alone the rest of his life. Find a way to leave him, you do not need that piece of crap in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, TheAgonyAunt  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 I would say that he is verbally abusing you, accusing you of things constantly is not right and if it is wearing you down as a person and making you feel horrible then I think it would be best for you to find someone that loves you for you and respects you. If you really love him you could try and talk about it, he seems unstable emotionaly if he's constantly accusing you.
Hope my advice helps and good luck :)
=)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): You are in an abusive relationship and I think you know that. You also are aware that your self confidence has been worn down to a nub.
In abusive relationships there is always the honeymoon period where your man is sweet loving nice, maybe even apologetic to you for the things he has said or done, but then just when your guard is down again, he pulls the rug right out from under you and starts his pattern of abuse.
Just because he isn't hitting you does not mean he isn't being very abusive towards you. Verbal abuse is almost worse because the wounds are where no one else can see them and those outside of your relationship never see his abuse towards you and may wonder what the heck you are so morose for.
This is a choice this man is making to treat you like this, he can control it but doesn't want to do so. It is about power and control and very dangerous for you to be in because you are going to lose yourself. You are in a high stress zone and eventually living with this guy is going to hurt your health both physical and mental.
You can't fix this, he may have a mental or personality disorder that he can't change.
I am sorry to have to tell you this, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave. Move out, don't even worry about all of your stuff just go.
Just because he isn't physical with you now you are at a high risk of this relationship ending up with him hitting you or worse.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but you can reach out to others in your community or family to help you through it.
...............................
|
